The Road to Christmas movie review

Clark Greg and Jennifer Greg star in The Road to Christmas, a movie with the most anti Italian bias you’re ever likely to encounter on TV. 

I’ve seriously never seen anything like this. Most made for TV Christmas movies have a city bias but I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Christmas movie that’s this racist and bigotted.

In fact, this movie is not great with its non Anglo portrayals. Whether you’re from India, Italy or you’re black or Native American, this movie is going to break out the stereotypes. Even Grandma doesn’t know the difference between being Latin and Italian.

And she doesn’t like vegetarians, either.

And then the movie has a point to make about homosexuality. 

Yeah. 

So, Clark Greg and Jennifer Greg have great chemistry together, but The Road to Christmas is just downright offensive. It’s kinda nuts how… well, nuts this movie is – you just have to see it to believe it.

Come Dance with Me movie review

He’s a big city banker and she’s a… big city dance instructor.  Small towns are great and big cities are stupid, but when these two dance, the sparks will fly in the Hallmark Channel’s COME DANCE WITH ME.  Wait, is he doing an English accent now?  WTF is going on?  Holy Potato Balls, is he still doing it?

So… yeah.  Come Dance With Me is a movie that exists starring Andrew McCarthy (who’s still got it, by the way) because he’s either out of money or bored and features… other actors in a technically sound yet lazily written made for TV Christmas movie because we keep watching them. Read the rest of this entry

Finding Father Christmas movie review

I can’t find a trailer, but the whole damn movie is all over YouTube.  At least it is for now.

It turns out that the Hallmark Channel has a subcategory for Christmas movies: Christmas mystery movies. The thing is, Finding Father Christmas is completely and totally short on mystery. Shockingly, it does makeup for this with heart. Read the rest of this entry

Wish Upon a Christmas (2015) movie review

A million questions about Wish Upon A Christmas:

Is that the opening theme from Home Alone?

Holy hell, is that kid 38?

Is that a Canon camera product?

What the hell was that explosion? Did a meteor hit the earth or did Santa just crash and die?

Is that the Up In The Air screenplay?

Is that Bad Santa?

Is that Alan Thicke?

Why does no one at this factory know the words Hark The Herald Angels Sing? The humming is kind of terrifying. 

Why are they still making ornaments on December 24th?

Is that the necklace from Men in Black? Or is it a snitch? A silver snitch? I thought they were gold. (Silver Snitch sounds like a specific kind of porn.)

Does the guy running the factory not know how business works? 

Was that kid in the photo the same kid? 

Does this lady run a dinner or a daycare? 

Do you think Alan Thicke wanted to be in this movie?

The factory Christmas party is on Christmas Eve? Because these people don’t have families? 

Is the French martini joke the worst joke ever? 

Did the lady protagonist just say the moral of A Christmas Carol is “greed is good?”

Does this kid just carry the book, the magnifying glass and the sleigh part around with him?

Is this the worst version of”Jingle Bells” ever?

Wow, does this factory not have quality control? The Christmas lights at an ornament factory don’t work? Why do all the ornaments have different pictures of the same dude?

She’s humming now, too? So she joined their cult? 

Did the kid just quote A Christmas Carol? 

What the hell is happening in the photos in this guy’s house? 

Did that kid just invent a bat signal for Santa? 

Was Alan Thicke literally phoning it in? 

Oh wait, so now it’s Christmas Eve? Not yesterday? 

Is that dog someone’s dog?

Is she really canning people on Christmas Eve?

Does “the chocolate ones” mean poop?

Is the factory really called Donner? Like Donner party?

Couldn’t this guy just sell his mansion to save his business? 

So this kid is going to murder everyone and make himself suits out of their skins?

Did that lady find the snitch? Did Gryffindor just win?

Does this lady not know the difference between whistling and humming? 

Does this kid love baseball and American football?

Is Santa on Atkins?

Wait, Santa didn’t need the damn ball after all? 

Is lady protagonist getting her mom’s head in a box for Christmas? 

Why can’t this kid read?!?

Merry Kissmas movie review (2015)

Merry Kissmiss is a 2015 Ion Television debut of the Standard Christmas RomCom variety in the sense that it steals plot points from other movies and invents new, horrible ones of its own.  The difference here is that instead of stealing from a Christmas movie, they stole the opening premise from Serendipity. Let’s discuss. Read the rest of this entry

Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish movie review

“You’ve really had a wonderful life, Richie. Don’t you see what a shame it’d be to throw it away?”
Yeah, it’s one of those.  I have questions and comments about Richie Rich’s Christmas Wish.  Join me! Read the rest of this entry

Journey Back to Christmas movie review (2016)

Journey Back to Christmas is probably the worst made-for-TV Christmas movie of 2016.

There, I said it.  Read the rest of this entry

A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale movie review

The Up Network presents a classic Christmas tale of an over privileged white girl who maxes out her Christmas card and must take a job walking a dog (to the dog park) in order to get herself the extravagant necklace that will  enable her to keep up with her friends.

A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale is truly a movie for the people. Read the rest of this entry

Falling for Christmas / Snow Capped Christmas movie review

Take a dash of Cutting Edge and a smidgen of city shaming and combine with equal parts of Christmas to make the UP network’s Failing for Christmas… or is it Snow Capped Christmas?  Perhaps this Canadian production was released with one title there and another in the United States?  It doesn’t matter.  It’s just your typical Rom Com made for TV Christmas movie schlock.

(I don’t know where that cooking metaphor came from. There’s just some cookie baking in this movie…) Read the rest of this entry

A Christmas Wedding Date movie review

First D.J.: Okay, campers, rise and shine, and don’t forget your booties ’cause it’s cooooold out there today.
Second D.J.: It’s coooold out there every day. What is this, Miami Beach?
First D.J.: Not hardly. And you know, you can expect hazardous travel later today with that, you know, that, uh, that blizzard thing.
Second D.J.: That blizzard – thing. That blizzard – thing. Oh, well, here’s the report! The National Weather Service is calling for a “big blizzard thing!”
First D.J.: Yessss, they are. But you know, there’s another reason why today is especially exciting.
Second D.J.: Especially cold!
First D.J.: Especially cold, okay, but the big question on everybody’s lips…
Second D.J.: – On their chapped lips…
First D.J.: – On their chapped lips, right: Do ya think Phil is gonna come out and see his shadow?
Second D.J.: Punxsutawney Phil!
First D.J.: Thats right, woodchuck-chuckers – it’s
[in unison]
Both: GROUNDHOG DAY!

I mean A Christmas Wedding Date.  A totally original movie that is in no way a Groundhog Day ripoff.

Read the rest of this entry

Coast Shaming / City Shaming (CreativeJamie.com Dictionary)

Coast Shamingsnow-christmas-lights-bush1.jpg
Also known as “City Shaming.”
This is the process by which characters in a film (usually a Christmas movie) will impose their belief that small town America is superior in every way to city life.  IE, the way people behave in cities is inferior to the tradition, hospitality and decorating grandeur of rural villages.  This phenomenon is especially prevalent in Hallmark Christmas movies.

 

About the CreativeJamie.com Dictionary:
The CreativeJamie.com Dictionary is something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, but never got around to until now. I had a writing college in class during which one assignment challenged us to make up our own words. I sucked at it (hard), but I loved the idea, so I’m giving it a go now.

Christmas List movie review (2016)

The Hallmark Channel has really outdone themselves this time.  And by that, I mean this movie has the exact same beats as every one of their Christmas Rom Coms:

  1. underappreciated woman has boyfriend who doesn’t understand her and/or takes her for granted
  2. woman meets a guy who gets her
  3. at end of the movie, woman stays with original guy because “he had first dibs”

OK, I might have made that last one up.

Nevertheless, warm up your clarinet and “just let it happen” as we dig into Christmas List together.

“I want to watch!”

I know you do, you freaky little kid. You’re gross.  We’ll get back to him.  Read the rest of this entry

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