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A Fly On The Wall: Michael Jordan And His Hitler Mustache

Welcome to A Fly On The Wall, a feature that imagines what it would be like to hear conversations that  may or may not have ever actually occurred.  This time, we’ll use our fly power to head over to Michael Jordan’s house and listen in on a conversation he may or may not of had with his agent.

AGENT:  Hey, there’s my guy!  There’s my guy!  How the hell are you, Michael?!?

MICHAEL:  Doing well.  Yourself?

AGENT:  I am fantastic, Michael – I am fantastic because right now, I have in my possession two items:  a gigantic check to you from Hanes and, of less importance, the commercials from the Flight #23 campaign.

MICHAEL:  Nice!  So you want to watch the spots or have a money fight?

mr burns mr smithers money fight the simpsons

Burns only has more money than Jordan because Burns doesn’t gamble.

AGENT:  Can’t we do both?

MICHAEL:  Ha!  Yes, but just to make sure I don’t look like an asshole, let’s light up some cigars and watch the Hanes spots first.

AGENT:  Cool.

MICHAEL:  Didn’t have one line in that spot and I’m still awesome.

AGENT:  Yeah…  uhm, yeah…  lets see the next one.

MICHAEL:  Even got a biblical reference in this one.  Nice.

AGENT:  Yeah, you did… Michael, did you shoot all of these spots on the same day?

MICHAEL:  Yep, one long, grueling day.  Why do you ask?

AGENT:  Oh my God.

MICHAEL:  What’s the matter?

AGENT:  Fuck.

MICHAEL:  What?

AGENT:  Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Holy shit, Michael!  What the hell were you thinking?

MICHAEL:  What’s wrong?

AGENT:  Fuck, Michael, do you have to ask?  You just made fifteen underwear commercials in which you have a Hitler mustache!

Hitler Mustache Michael Jordan Hitler Mustache Hanes

Pictured Left:  Crazy Person.  Pictured Right:  Crazy Mustache.

MICHAEL:  Oh that.  Yeah, I know.

AGENT:  You know?

MICHAEL:  Of course I know.  I do shave myself.

AGENT:  What the hell were you thinking?

MICHAEL:  I’m taking it back.

AGENT:  Taking it back?

MICHAEL:  Yep.

AGENT:  Taking it back.

MICHAEL:  You got it.

AGENT:  Michael, one doesn’t simply take back the Hitler mustache.

MICHAEL:  True enough; however, not everybody is me.

AGENT:  Meaning?

MICHAEL:  Meaning that bastard has held on to the look for decades – he’s been dead since 1945, and I think it’s time to take it back.

AGENT:  You can’t take it back.

MICHAEL:  The hell I can’t.  I can do anything!

AGENT:  Except hit a baseball.

Michael Jordon Chicago White Sox Baseball strikes out sports illustrated

Too bad Jordan wasn’t on the same team as Jose Canseco.

MICHAEL:  What?

AGENT:  Nothing.  Look, Michael, what I mean is that you, specifically you, cannot take the Hitler mustache back.

MICHAEL:  Why not?

AGENT:  To take something back, you’d have to be part of the group that was hindered by that thing in the first place.

MICHAEL:  You mean only Nazis can take the Hitler mustache back?

AGENT:  No, I mean only mustache aficionados can take the Hitler mustache back.

Magnum PI tom selleck mustache

In the 1980s, THIS was sexy.

MICHAEL:  Oh…  well, I do really like mustaches

AGENT:  I’m sure you do, but Michael, please, for the love of all that is decent and pure, shave off the damn mustache!

MICHAEL:  …I can’t.

AGENT:  Why the hell not?

MICHAEL: Look, Hanes loves the mustache, so I can’t shave it off.  It was their idea in the first place.

AGENT: Their idea?  They must be out of their minds!

MICHAEL:  I think Mr. Hanes might be a little crazy.

AGENT:  I think so too!

MICHAEL:  He came to this country in 1946, and Hanes kinda sounds like a German name to me…

AGENT:  I don’t like where this is going.

MICHAEL:  The bottom line is if I take their money, I wear their mustache.

Well, there you have it.  Michael Jordan grew the Hitler mustache because he loves money  and his masters at Hanes made him.  I guess it’s not coming off any time soon… unless Nike gives him a call.

read more A Fly On The Wall posts

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com and BomberBanter.com

Posted on February 21, 2011, in a fly on the wall and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Very funny. Growing up in Chicago in the 80′s and 90′s, I love Jordan but I was scratching my head when I saw those commercials.

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