At the beginning of the last century, the British aristocrat Orlando (Ralph Fiennes), Duke of Oxford, was terribly concerned that the vaunted aristocracy, which had previously risen on rough conquest and the suffering of the natives, would become very tolerant and aware of their role in serving Britain and its people. So Herr Duke personally went to the battlefields of the Anglo-Boer War, where the British, for the first time in history, used concentration camps to bring a branch of peace and help from the Red Cross, in which the Duke actively participated as a convinced pacifist.
His Excellency brought his wife Emily and their young son Conrad with them to the war and to the place of hostilities – well, you know, this British aristocracy has always been a little imbecile because of the tradition of marrying close relatives to each other.
Emily, of course, killed the dastardly Boer right before his son’s eyes, so the lord duke brought the son to London, after which for the next ten or twenty years he did not allow his son to leave the estate, for the lord duke suddenly became obsessed with the safety of his offspring. Well, you know, bringing a five-year-old boy to the battlefields of the Anglo-Boer War is no problem, but when the son has grown up and become a real man – here you are, Conrad, out of the countryside – not a foot, Orlando demands.
However, the world is in danger. The great war is approaching – the First World War. Few people know, but the true catalyst for the disintegration processes and the direct culprit of the outbreak of the First World War was Dr. Evil, who sits in a barn on top of a huge mountain somewhere, and strings are pulled from his hands to everything that happens in the world, because among the minions Doctor Evil – sinister Grigori Rasputin, Gavrilo Princip, Volodymyr Ilyich Lennon, Mata Khari and other worthy characters.
First, Dr. Evil sent Gavrila Princip to kill Archduke Franz Ferdinand, rightly believing that after that the three cousins - the British King George (Tom Hollander), the German Kaiser Wilhelm (Tom Hollander) and the Ruys tsar Nikolai (Tom Hollander) – would quarrel among themselves, sending millions their subjects to die in the name of dick knows what.
However, Princip initially failed to hit the Archduke with a bomb, because the matured Conrad (Harris Dickinson), whom the Lord Duke of Oxford had brought to protect his friend Franz, beat off the bomb with a deft cricket kick. However, after that, when Gavrilo drank bitter in a Sarajevo tavern, about to take the poison of Doctor Evil, he again saw Franz Ferdinand, passing by, to his misfortune, after which he shot the Archduke with seven bullets, so that, of course, the First World War inevitably began, which could not have been started by two close relatives of King George – Kaiser Wilhelm and Ryuki Tsar Nikolai.
However, Ryuki Tsar Nikolai has either a confidant, or a blouse Grigory Rasputin (Rhys Ivans), who fulfills the order of Doctor Evil and forces Ryuki Tsar Nikolai to leave the First World War. And then Great Britain, dear to the heart of the Duke of Oxford, will inevitably lose, because it will not be able to adequately resist Germany, ruled by this clown Wilhelm.
Conrad, who has grown into a young man of twenty-three years old, asks his dearest father to let him go to war in order to die heroically in the name of his beloved England, but father, whose protection of his son has turned into a mania, does not want his son to die in the name of his country , therefore, invites him to go to distant United States to finish Rasputin there: if you kill this bitch cat, his excellency explains, no one else will dissuade Tsar Nikolai from entering the war, which means that Great Britain will be saved.
His Excellency Orlando gathers his fighting squad: housekeeper Polly (Gemma Arterton) and chauffeur Shola (Djimon Hounsou), who are joined by son Conrad. The housekeeper and chauffeur found out that Grigori Rasputin is greedy for young boys whom he loves to fuck, so the plan is ready: Rasputin will be offered Conrad for love pleasures, and Conrad will feed the mean monk a pie with arsenic that Polly will make. Where, you ask, is Prince Yusupov here? And he is somewhere in the stables, breathing healing manure air.
All this shobla-fucking went to distant snow-covered United States, and there they arrived at the royal ball, where Mr. Rasputin showed up with two cheerful girls in gothic makeup, after which young Conrad tried to interest Grigory with his charms, but Mr. Grigory said that dad Orlando he is much more interested, so that His Excellency Orlando was taken off his pants – so that Grigory, like, how he could heal his leg, shot through by vile Boers, after which a tedious battle began, as a result of which Rasputin first demonstrated brilliant possession of a combat hopak, but was still killed vile Anglo-Saxons – Orlando and Conrad.
Well, then the First World War began!
The first “Kingsman: The Secret Service” directed by Matthew Vaughn (who, by the way, was the producer of Guy Ritchie’s “Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels” and “Snatch”) was just great! Yes, it was based on a Marvel comic, but this idea of showing British gentlemen’s super secret service influencing events around the world, where some London gopnik who is made a gentleman ends up – it was absolutely wonderful!
The continuation of “Kingsman: The Golden Ring” was, on the one hand, completely optional – it brought the American service unit to the forefront – but it turned out to be very, very decent, and I liked it. And I thought that Matthew Vaughn would simply continue to play cards of other Kingsman divisions: French, Spanish, Italian, and at least Portuguese – you never know the countries in Western Europe.
However, with the triquel, the director was carried away like into the history of the creation of the secret service as such, so he turned to the family of the Duke of Oxford, his offspring, the beginning of the First World War and other events, and it turned out to be some COMPLETE ZASHKVAR!
To be honest, I watched the first twenty or thirty minutes of the film and could not believe my eyes: so that Matthew Vaughn himself, the creator of the previous two films, descended to such a madhouse – no, I thought, this is not Vaughn, they hired some kind of Uwe Boll , and the scriptwriters invited two underfed chimpanzees, who sprinkled this absolutely moronic script.
However, don’t misunderstand me. I have nothing against tomfoolery about the Boer War, the concentration camps, the First World War, their Majesties and Highnesses, all this nobility and Dr. Evil with a bald head, who sits in a barn on top of a huge rock. I can say only for. But what the hell, dear Matthew, so to speak, Vaughn, you have it all ON SUCH SERIOUS WHEELS, as if it were a historical drama?
To shoot frank buffoonery, which would be really funny with the right presentation – Orlando was supposed to play Johnny Depp, who would have portrayed a freak cleaner than Captain Jack Sparrow, ardent young Conrad would have been perfectly played, for example, by John Hill, but Doctor Evil would have been perfectly portrayed by the Doctor himself Evil – and at the same time to put it as if you are shooting “Hamlet” in half with “King Lear” – nothing could be more idiotic.
Ralph Fiennes (who we still call Ralph Fiennes for some reason) is a wonderful actor. The Duke of Oxford plays like clockwork: a noble aristocrat who is aware of his mission and understands that his dignity is primarily a responsibility, not a privilege. A loving father, an important statesman, seriously influencing the fate of his country. But Orlando is not from this movie. It is from a Shakespeare production, from a historical picture based on the novel by Jane Austen, but from anywhere – just not from this idiocy! And when you see how the Duke of Oxford, having taken off his pants so that Grigory Rasputin could play his games with him, frowns his forehead in concern, then all that remains is to ask: “Rafe, dear, how did you even get into this circus with horses?!! What what are you doing here?!”
And the whole movie is like that. An extremely serious tone – the horrors of the First World War are shown not at all buffoonery, the ardent noble Conrad, striving to give his life for his country, real historical events – and above all this, not even a cranberry, but some kind of wild and completely not funny raspberry, and obviously gold – this film, mark my words, will receive a dozen nominations for this important film award and will certainly win the main prize.
What was good about the first Kingsman? He was also a parody! But it had a very clear style. We understood that this was a parody, but it was perfectly choreographed and well-acted. And here, excellent actors play roles as if from completely different productions, and you don’t understand point-blank what they are doing in this outright absurdity and wretchedness.
I was shocked, to be honest. And on this unfunny booth they threw out as much as one hundred million dollars! Everything here is very expensive, rich, all these ducal palaces and royal chambers. Everything is pompous and noble. And the white underpants from the Duke of Orlando were definitely bought from the Kingsman store.
But at the same time, the battle scenes are staged as if computer graphics were outsourced for a couple of bucks to the Funny Silicones studio near Moscow: well, honestly, the scene with the plane and the parachute is just like a “hand-face” of some kind.
In general, I watched it out of purely sporting interest, and also because I was going to write a review – just to warn the most respected public. So, I’m warning you. If you love Ralph Fiennes and other great actors who starred here for some reason, if you love Matthew Vaughn’s previous films, then don’t watch this crap, don’t spoil your impression.
Or, on the contrary, look to, like me, ask yourself only one question: “Matthew, old man, what’s the matter with you? Have you been replaced, or what?” Moreover, he has no one to nod at, he himself invented the script.
I, gentlemen, expected anything, I understood that the third Kingsman could be unsuccessful. But this is really something with something! I look forward to the victory of this picture at the “Golden Raspberry”, it deserves it one hundred percent!
King’s Man: The Beginning / The King’s Man
Director: Matthew Vaughn Cast: Ralph Fiennes, SheHarris Dickinson, Daniel Brühl, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Rhys Ifans, Gemma Arterton, Matthew Goode, Tom Hollander, Branka Katic, Stanley Tucci, Djimon Hounsou, Charles Dance
Action parody, UK-USA, 2021, 131 min.