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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) – an 11 point rambling movie review

Let the rambling begin!

1.  ATTENTION:  Whoopi Goldberg is officially out of money!  Hence, she’s in 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is better than any movie in the Transformers franchise… and that’s about it.   Read the rest of this entry

All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies reviewed!

Well, that which I have been dreading is nearly upon us:  The Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is just days away.  As if you haven’t already guessed, I’m setting my expectations to low (especially after I saw the toys).  Then again, I tried that with Transformers, and look how that turned out.  Anyway, in the interest in getting caught up with all things Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from a movie standpoint, here are my scores and links to the reviews for all six TMNT movies.

I love the first one.  1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is awesome and I will hear nothing else on the subject.  9 out of 10.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze  is a baffling, disappointing follow-up, but  it’s watchable.  “Go ninja, go ninja, go!”  3 out of 10.

The third one… it’s not bad, but it feels like nobody gave a shiz.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is bad, but it could be much worse and they ditched the campy tone of the second, which was much appreciated.  5 out of 10.

2007’s TMNT is fine – it starts off strongly but falters.  3.5 out of 10.

I have to admit, I haven’t finished watching Turtles Forever.  For all its bold premise promises, I was shocked at how board I was while watching the flick – I’ll try to give it another chance ASAP.

That’s all for now…  boy, this new movie sure does look like shiz.  Oh well.  It’s got to be better than the Transformers movies… right?

all-teenage-mutant-ninja-turles-movie-posters

New Ninja Turtles action figures makes the horror hit home

We’ve all seen the trailer, we’ve all felt sad, but it wasn’t really until I saw the action figures in the store that it felt real to me: Ninja Turtles is probably going to be an awful movie. Just look at what the did to Michelangelo! Just LOOK! They’ve bastardized my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! He’s got pants and a sweater and… bling?!? I just… I don’t see this working.

TMNT (2007 – movie review)

I should preface this review by saying I did not watch the 2000s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series – I presume this movie stems out of that series, but I don’t actually know this for a fact, and, in 2014, obviously, there is no way to check… Anyway, let’s dive in to 2007’s TMNT! Read the rest of this entry

6 reasons Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze is lame (movie review)

After applauding the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and then saying that the third TMNT installment isn’t the worst thing ever, it’s time to finally hit rock bottom with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Let’s count the reasons this movie doesn’t work.  Read the rest of this entry

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 – movie review)

In my review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, I refer to this first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie as gritty, funny and interesting. I went on to praise it’s realistic tone and its blend of action, adventure, tragedy and comedy. I stand by that now and forever – this is a great movie. Read the rest of this entry

Baffling Movie Trailers: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) & God’s Not Dead

I watched the movie trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) and God’s Not Dead and they both baffled me. Take a look!

What? I… what?

Read the rest of this entry

TMNT Bubble Solution confused me because I’m an idiot

tmnt-bubble-solution

See, I read this and thought, “Bubble Solution?  Why do I need a Bubble Solution?  Jesus, is this like the Ninja Turtles version of a final solution?  Like they’re going to use these bubbles to knock off the Foot Clan?”  And then, five minutes later, I thought, “Oh…  I mean… oh.  Bubbles.  Right.  Kids blow bubbles.  Gotcha.”

Avengers and TMNT action figures

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This box set of Avengers action figures made me feel old.  I said something like, “In my day, we had to collect all, each sold separately – and we liked it!”  But for Christmas in 2012, you can just plop down $45 at Target and take home the entire team and their primary adversary all in one shot!  Disgraceful! Read the rest of this entry

Is TurtleGate over or just on hold?

leonardo-tmntIf you follow the site, then you already know that I’ve been complaining about this for a while now, and I’m hoping that this revelation means the tide is starting to turn in my favor. Read the rest of this entry

Michael Bay Tells Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fans To "Chill"

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Michael Bay suggested Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans take a chill pill.

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

from michaelbay.com

Huh. So Michael Bay and his team are hanging out with with either Kevin Eastman or Peter Laird and somehow, words don’t mean the same thing they did the day before. See, “expand and give a more complex back story” doesn’t meant the same thing as “We’re changing the origin because TMNT canon doesn’t have any opportunities for explosions at the beginning of the story and we’re setting up a series of movies and want to tell the origin at the beginning and when you’re making an action movie, something has to explode in the first scene – like a spaceship crashing! That would be awesome. Also, if their aliens, this makes them more like Transformers, which made a ton of money at the box office despite being terrible movies. THREE. FUCKING. TIMES.” I guess that doesn’t sound as nice as “We are just building a richer world,” but it’s certainly different then “Look, I don’t want to make a movie about a bunch of little turtles who were subjected to some chemicals and grew into mutant humanoid lifeforms.”

If Bay wants to make a movie about green guys from space who kick ass and have some nostalgic value, why not just make a Battletoads movie? I guess that dude just has too much contempt for his audience.

Hence Transformers.

I’m more than a little surprised Bay issued any kind of statement – I thought he’d just ignore all of the internet’s angry prattle. Instead, he went with the “Shut the hell up, I got this,” strategy, which I don’t think was a great move on his part. Still, he’s right – as is the case with nearly every movie ever made, I have NOT read the script and have no plans to. Still, I don’t really need to read it to know that if you changed the protagonists from sewer dwelling mutant turtles to space aliens, I don’t really need to read the script to tell you you’ve gone far afield from the source material.

In the end, maybe Bay will apologize by quoting Optimus Prime’s line from the first Transformers movie: “My bad.”

more Turtlegate at creativejamie.com/tag/turtlegate/

Attention Must Be Paid: James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd and the Bullshit Man

While James Rolfe’s career continues to bring him more opportunities the longer he persists, I still feel that he could use a shout out, and so, it’s time for Attention Must Be Paid, James Rolfe edition… or, in internet vernacular, AMBPAVGN.

While wandering around the internet, I came across a video on YouTube that delighted me:  the series was called, You Know What’s Bullshit? and the episode was called, Temperature.  This, I am sure, is one of the greatest things to ever grace the YouTube servers.

“Potatoes are assholes; they’re so unpredictable.”

Has a better sentence ever been uttered?  I think not.  Potatoes are, in fact, assholes!  (Sure, they’re not on corn‘s level, but what vegetable is?)

The Bullshit series is a work of art in itself, from part 1 to part 13.  I was stunned with the quality of the writing, camera work and most of all, the superior editing.  YouTube has so much fatty waste clogging up its mighty heart that its easy to get stuck in the muck of loathsome dreck, a sea of unedited video with awful pop music poorly mixed in the background, and the Bullshit series was a tremendous breath of fresh air; people really were putting quality video on YouTube.  Who knew?

I soon found that I had engorged on the entire “You Know What’s Bullshit?” series (I’m also a big fan of the DVD sticker and DVD collection episodes) and yearned for more.  The discovery that there was more ‘bullshit’ to be experienced beyond Temperature was a revelation in itself, but I had no idea what loomed just over the horizon.

The first episode I saw of The Angry Video Game Nerd was his review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the Nintendo Entertainment System.  TMNT for the NES is the worst kind of video game; it gave us the opportunity to interact as our favorite genetically altered reptiles, and in the early levels, you see so much promise.  Sure, the controls aren’t great, but it’s a fun game… at first.  Then it starts to suck, and that’s where James Rolfe comes in.

It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it fucking blows, it’s a piece of shit…  and I don’t like it.

James Rolfe as The Angry Video Game Nerd

James Rolfe as The Angry Video Game Nerd

Agreed, sir.  Agreed.

If you were a gamer in the mid to late eighties and onward, then you know how revolutionary Nintendo was for those of us who were used to the classic Atari 2600 (or pretenders like the ColeocoVision), as was the Super Nintendo (I know this is an old debate, but Sega sucked.  The Sega Master System and Sega Genesis were inferior pieces of hardware; we can debate game libraries till the cows come home, but when games came out on both systems, Nintendo wins hands down every time… hence Sega makes games for Nintendo now?  Figure that one out!), the Nintendo 64, and so on.  (I’ll take another quick second to say that for the most part, the Playstation is a load-time-cut-scene-infused paperweight.)  That being said, Nintendo had it’s fair share of bad games, whether licensed or not, and The Angry Video Game Nerd is just the man to exorcise the video game demons that haunt our souls from both yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I feel that I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Mr. Rolfe’s other efforts, which can be found on his website at Cinemassacre.com.  His other series, such as Board James, a partly informational series on Board Games, a convention I assume is going the way of the Polar Bear (his horror movie-esque short on Mr. Bucket is not to missed) or the annual Cinemassacre.com’s Monster Madness, which brings an assortment of monster movies to the forefront every Halloween, and I think any movie fan would enjoy, even if you’re like me and don’t spend much time watching horror, slasher or monster movies.

James Rolfe has taken the comedic review to strange and hilarious new places.  Sure, it can be juvenile, profane and even downright disgusting, but that’s what makes it fun.  In fact, I particularly enjoyed a long diatribe about how bad a game was involving excrement and… well, other things, after which The Nerd said, “That was foul; I apologize.”  It’s over the top, it’s silly and it’s great.  It’s also self aware, which may be the most important reason it works so well.  The guy does a brilliant job connecting with the audience… maybe its just me, because Mr. Rolfe and I are the same age and from the same part of the country and come from a shared experience, but I think there is something for everyone in Mr. Rolfe’s catalog.  Take a look, you’re bound to find something you like.

Unless you can’t tolerate profanity and vulgarity.  Then you’re shit out of luck.

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