I finally got around to seeing Transformers: Dark of the Moon, the third (and I hope final) movie in the series. Directed by Michael Bay and starring Shia LaBeouf, this movie… well, for one thing, it’s really fucking long. I don’t know any other way to say it. It’s 154 minutes, and I’m sorry, this is an aciton movie with a thin plot but no real point, so… if there is a next time, gimme a break, OK? So yeah, it’s long, but it’s also the best movie in this god awful series.
The movie opens with a scene from the end of the war between the Decepticons and Autobots on Cybertron, which you would think would be neat, but they manage to blow it. An escaping ship, piloted by Sentinel Prime (voiced by Lenard Nimoy – seriously), who was Optimus’ predecessor as leader of the Autobots, crashes on the moon and the race to see what’s up there inspires the space race. Seriously. President Kennedy is in this movie. Anyway, Neil Armstrong and Buzz Buzz Aldrin (the real Buzz Aldrin has a cameo later in the film – seriously!), land on the moon, explore the ship, blah blah blah. We finally get to the present and for some reason, we’re still supposed to care about Sam Witwicky (LaBeouf), even though as far as I can tell, his involvement in the first two movies seemed entirely coincidental. Also, I hate hearing, saying or writing the name ‘Witwicky’ – let’s just change it to ‘Sam Wikipedia’ and get it over with, or not even give him a last name – what’s the difference? We’re forced to sit through this boring subplot that despite his secret world saving missions with the Transformers and his useless bachelor’s degree, he can’t find a job, which his comic relief dad is pissed off about, although his comic relief mom is somewhat sympathetic. Welcome to the club, pal… I feel so bad for you in your luxury apartment with your smoking hot girlfriend… well, sorta. What’s wrong with your face? Anyway, nice legs.
Also, I just thought I’d point out that Shia means ‘sacred’ and ‘LeBeouf’ means beef – how awesome is that? If I was him, I’d roll up on shorties and be all, “What up? My boys call me Sacred Beef… and you will too.” Just something to think about.
I find LaBeouf likable enough in his role – the dude’s funny, but the movie drags on and on, like a drunk grandmother on her wedding anniversary. Anyway, he finally lands a job at John Malkovich’s company… whatever, it doesn’t matter. I have no idea why Malkovich is in this movie – I guess he loves money. I’m boring myself and recanting the plot and will have me sitting here for another 2000 words, and who needs that?
So here’s the quick version: Sentinel Prime made a secret deal with Megatron to use some sort of worm hole technology to bring Seibertron (yeah, it’s not ‘Cybertron’) to Earth because the former is too dilapidated from the war to be habitable, and they’re going to use the humans as slave labor for… something… which makes sense, because when you’re 25 feet tall, it’s great having a workforce that checks in on average around 5 foot 9 inches, not mention the fact that they’re centuries behind you in technology. Oh, and Sentinel Prime says something about “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few,” or maybe he says it the other way around in this movie… I can’t remember,but it was funny either way, Wrath of Khan style. (I had to have a third drink to get through this movie, and I made all three of those whiskey and egg nogs mad strong.) Anyhow, Optimus Prime doesn’t like their plan, so he beats ass and flies around with a jet pack, which kinda reminded me of the end of Robocop 3, except I found a way to care even less about the end of this movie than I did that one.
There’s not much else to say. From time to time, stuff blows up, but the movie is boring. The exposition is not completely painful, BUT THERE IS A SHIT LOAD OF IT, and the attempts at balancing the crazy action and exposition with comedy ultimately do a disservice to the movie as it just makes the damn thing take longer. Maybe a better editor/writer/director team could have hacked a half hour out of this movie, but I don’t want to waste my time talking about a hack like Michael Bay and whoever he parties with is. I can’t say it enough: the movie is so fucking long; two and a half hours long! With the exception of one car chase during which Bumble Bee transforms from car mode to… uhm… person mode and then back to car mode with Shia LeBeouf inside, then outside, then inside again, pretty much all of the cool parts are in this two and half minute trailer. I honestly don’t know why I scored it so high, but I did watch the entire movie (although somewhat inebriated), so I guess that’s something.