Blog Archives

1 Reason the Republicans are in trouble (GOP Debate)

gop-presidential-primary-2015-fox-news-debate-god

If you watched the Fox News/Facebook GOP Presidential Debate, you heard more of the same:  the GOP believes that the Federal Government has no place in determining the public school curriculum but does want to regulate women’s reproductive health issues. That sort of thing.  Then there’s the Donald Trump/Megyn Kelly stuff… not surprising.  (Clearly, FOX had an agenda in the debate and boy did Trump take the bait!)  But none of this stuff is surprising.  Neither is the Facebook question above – but it is a big problem for the GOP.  I shall explain!  Read the rest of this entry

A Quick Argument on Voting for the Democrats this Election Day

On Tuesday, November 4th, registered American voters can, in some states, help shape the balance of power in the United States Senate. I don’t spend much time writing about politics on the site because modern government kinda is what it is at this point (until massive federal campaign finance reform legislation gets passed, which at this point, looks to be happening at never o’clock on when hell freezes over), but I thought it was important to make a case for the Democrats and why they’re the lesser evil of the two incompetent jackasses we get to choose from. Read the rest of this entry

4 Nominees The Republicans Won’t Approve For Dickish Reasons

Politicians in the United States generally only come in two flavors:  Democrat or Republican.

If you’re a Democrat,  I jump to the conclusion that by default, you’re a worthless human being who is rich, enjoys being rich and is not especially interested in making the world a better place.  But, not being the total epitome of evil, you don’t hate the poor or the middle class and from time to time, you’ll throw the masses a bone or two.

But then there’s the Republicans.  I’ve scraped better looking stuff off the bottom of my sneakers walking through a flooded parking lot full of porta potties after a Giants vs Cowboys game – in Dallas.  Republicans don’t care about anyone about themselves – it’s not about governing, it’s about winning.  To win, you must stomp your opposition into the ground by any means necessary over the course of every single contest, even when it comes to the fairly routine business of approving nominees for office.  If the Democrats nominate someone, the Republicans have to reject them on principal, regardless of qualifications.

Read the rest of this entry

Vote Democrat on November 2nd

republicans frankenstien

How am I supposed to take the Republicans seriously when they have a Frankenstien on their homepage?

I don’t follow politics as closely as I used to, but then, I don’t have to – politics follow me (no, not just on Twitter).  Now more than ever, political ads are everywhere – TV, Radio, Internet, your snail mail and email inbox… there is no escape.  Fortunately, knowing who to vote for is easier than ever:  the Democrats.

I don’t see any other choice in the matter.  I’m a registered independent, and I describe myself as socially liberal and fiscally conservative.  These days, I feel that the Republicans want a system of smaller government that attempts to eliminate debt while cutting taxes, interfering in our private lives and telling the poor to fuck off.  I know they don’t call it trickle down economics, but the tax breaks they’re calling for is essentially that same theory, which I don’t believe in.  I also believe that the rich have done well in the previous decade, so I’m not worried about taxing them – what are they going to do, move to Canada or Europe?  I also don’t know why the Republicans are so concerned about gay marriage and gays serving in the military.  If folks want to get married, that’s fine – the only evidence I’ve seen against gay marriage is I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.  If gays want to serve in the military, that’s fine with me, too – I’m certainly not going to serve.  And the Republican’s treatment of the poor and working class is deplorable, as they illustrate every time they wack down health care reform and their awful 1990s welfare ‘reform,’ which Democrats should also be ashamed of.  So yeah, the Republicans just don’t work for me.  Their idea of success for 2009 and 2010 is doing their best to beat down anything President Obama or a Democrat proposes.

Oh, and their candidates are frightening.  Consider:

  • Colorado:  Republican candidate Ken Buck compared being gay to having alcoholism; he also said that he thought global warming was “the greatest hoax that has been perpetrated.”  I think he later said he meant that the idea of global warming being caused by people was a hoax, but still.  Oh and the gay/alcoholism comment is imaginative, I’ll give him that.
  • Delaware:  The Republican candidate is Christine O’Donnell. (This is also awesome.)
ralph wiggum

"Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!"

That’s just a little taste for you.  It’s also important to note that their agenda isn’t an agenda, but it does have nice pictures.  [link to ‘look mom, i wrote an essay’]  Anyone that wants to be allied in any way with the people who wrote this are totally insane.

What’s my case for voting for the Democrats?  They’re not these people.  Imagine you’re back in grammar school and you’re picking teams for kickball, and only two kids left:  the kid who can field but can’t kick and the kid who just picks his nose for an hour and comments that his cat’s breath smells like cat food.

Pick the kid who can field; at least you’re getting half a player.

A Pledge to America or Look, mom! I wrote an essay!

Before I get into “A Pledge to America,” a document not on par in writing skills with most junior high school history texts, I’ll take a brief moment to explain my political affiliations.

Uhm, I don’t really have any.  I don’t belong to any particular party, and, at least on the local level, I have voted for Democrats, Republicans and Independents over the decade plus I’ve been of voter age.  In terms of where I stand on issues, I’ll give you what I think is the best example of my duality:  I believe abortion is wrong, but I don’t believe Roe v Wade should be appealed; I’ve made the choice (or rather, we’ve made the choice; kind of hard for a guy to make the choice on his own!), but I don’t want to make the choice for anyone else.  So, like Chris Rock:  ” I’ve got some shit I’m conservative about, I’ve got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal!”  Word.

http://pledge.gop.gov/ I guess this is the foreward (the document itself also has a foreward), but   don’t waste your time – it’s sort of a mission statement for why we wrote a mission statement.  If you’re in a rush, you can take a gander at the Pledge Pocket Card, and presumably print it out and carry it around in your pocket so you can dispense talking points (that don’t really say anything) at will.   You’ll sound like a genius when you say, “The Republicans are

 going to reign in the red tape factory in Washington DC!”  If somebody asks you specifically what red tape and how, just hand them the card and tell them you have to go to the bathroom.  Once you get in your SUV and start the engine, you’re home free!

If you’re ready to do battle, here’s the full document; I know, Adobe’s PDF reader is telling you it’s 48 pages, but don’t get nervous, its really not that many pages of actual reading.  Observe:

  • Page 1 is the cover
  • Page 2 is a picture of the Statue of Liberty.  Seriously.  It’s a good one, too!
  • Page 3 is an interior cover, because obviously, page 1 is an exterior cover, and one cover page will simply not do.  Not for a document of this magnitude.
  • Page 6 simply says ‘Forward.’  The party that’s going to reign in the red tape factory in Washington used an entire page for one word.  Very efficient.  Putting ‘Forward’ on the top of page 7 (and thus making page 7 page 6) would be entirely too efficient and is a perfect metaphor for this entire document.  I’ll refer to these as title pages from here on out.
  • Page 10 is a picture of Mount Rushmore.  I feel very inspired by this.  It’s also thoughtful of them, because I’ve never seen a photograph of Mount Rushmore.  If the Republicans didn’t put it in here, how else would I know what is looks like?
  • Page 11 is a picture of the interior of a butcher shop.  Taped to their counter is a picture of some grazing turkeys…  I think.  Look how the Republicans are supporting small businesses by including this photo in their pledge!  Everybody likes meat, right?  Well, not everybody.
  • Page 12 includes 3 photos: 
    • top:  somebody who I assume is a Republican Congressman at one of those town hall meetings
    • bottom left:  another guy who I assume is a Republican Congressman at one of those town hall meetings, but he’s gesturing to a pie chart (ooo fancy!)
    • bottom right:  some people at a factory or a warehouse that are too well dressed to work there.  Maybe she’s a Congresswoman and she’s listening to a small business owner?  The Republicans care!
  • Page 13 is a table of contents.  Obviously.  Where else were you expecting the table of contents to be?  On page two, after the cover?  Or maybe they could have composited it on top of the Statue of Liberty photo…  no, that would be disrespectful.  But yes, table of contents is on page 13.  That’s just brilliant.
  • Page 14:  you guessed it, more pictures! 
    • Top left:  back of some guy’s head at a lectern
    • top center:  two guys in suits on horses
    • top right:  a guy being filmed as seen on a video camera’s instant preview screen
    • center:  people sitting and standing around a table, kind of invoctes The Last Supper (I like!)
    • bottom:  people waiting to eat and listening at an event called ‘speaking out’ while one guy talks.
  • Page 15:  another title page
  • Page 17:  30% or so of this page is taken up by a graph that says the Stimulus Bill was ineffective at staving off unemployment.  A graph?  Really?   Above the graph is the one sentence you would need to make this point without using a graph, but why not do both?  Some people like to read information, other people like to see the information!  Let’s cover our bases!  Not everybody can read, after all.
  • Page 19 is a photo of a guy on a horse swinging a lasso.  Speaking of a lasso, I’d like to find the folks that approved this monstrosity and have Wonder Woman tie them up and make them tell the truth about why their pledge document sucks so hard.
  • Page 20:  more pictures; 8 in total.  I’m not describing them all, I’m too pissed.  I assume the people that worked on this also work for members of congress, so that means we pay them, too, right?  Damn it!
  • Page 21:  another effing title page
  • Page 25 is a graph illustrating what percentage we spend on federal assistance programs and states that these programs are crowding out private enterprises.  I’m having a hard time telling the difference between the colors for Department of Homeland Security (really, you guys don’t like this one anymore?  wasn’t this the Republican’s idea?) and the color for the Department of the Interior.  And there aren’t any dollar amounts on here, not even estimates.
  • Page 26:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 27:  another effing title page
  • Page 30 is half blank.  Very efficient.  This would have been a good spot for your useless pictures.
  • health care chart boehner
    Obama is also black!

    Page 31 is a chart illustrating the 160 governing bodies of the ‘new health care law.’  Enough with the charts, guys.  I can’t make heads or tales of this, but I guess that’s the point.  I’d like to hear why all of this is bad, but instead, you just gave me a big useless picture that might as well just say, “the new health care law is bad” on it.  That opinion is fine, I just need to know why it’s bad.  Telling us that there are 160 boards, bureaus and commissions is probably a good starting place for your argument, but since that’s the only piece you’re giving me, it doesn’t help much.

  • Page 33:  another effing title page.  Restore trust?  I doubt you guys could auto-restore word docs on my computer after Windows crashes.
  • Page 36 is half blank.  Very efficient.  Again, this would have been a good spot for your useless pictures.
  • Page 37:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 38:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 39:  another effing title page
  • Page 41 is 25% blank. Again, this would have been a good spot for your useless pictures.
  • Page 42:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 43:  another effing title page
  • Page 44:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 46:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 47:  This page encourages you to speak out.  This page is about 75% blank – you know, like the pledge itself.
  • Page 48:  back cover

SO that’s…  31 pages with little or no content in a 48 page document.  11 pages alone for covers, titles and table of contents.  13 pages with nothing but pictures. 

Take a closer look at the table of contents.  The page itself is labeled as page 11, but it’s actually the 13th page.  Yep, they expect you to print out this bastard son of an actual, coherent document and read it.  Hence, all the page numbers in the table of contents are effed if you read it via adobe PDF viewer.  According to the page numbering, there are only 45 pages, not 48.  OK, so they’re not counting the two covers and… uhm, one other random page.

After all that, I know you must be highly motivated to read this piece of crap.  I’m already exhausted and not willing to recap this flaming pile of nothing; as far as I can tell, the Republicans pledge to America is to cut taxes while reducing spending and reducing the national deficit.  Exactly what they plan to reduce spending on and by how much – well, I wasn’t able to pick that up from the document, but probably health care; they were clear they didn’t like that.  If there was a section on how you reduce debt while also reducing revenue (taxes), I must not have read that page, either.  If anybody finds the answers to these questions, let me know.  I’m also wondering who the cowboy is on page 19… I mean 17.  Whatever.  Maybe it’s W!

As for me, I’m going to vote for the Democrats this fall.  What choice do I have?  The Republicans are CRAZY.  As of this writing, there is a huge picture of Sarah Palin on the GOP website.  We all know she’s not currently holding an office, but I didn’t realize she was even a Republican anymore, or at least, not really.  Isn’t she all about tea bagging these days?  (The First Dude is a HUGE tea bagger.)

My reading comprehension skills tell me that the Republicans have a pledge, all right:  lower taxes and everything the Democrats have done or will propose is wrong.  That’s not a platform.  It’s a quagmire.

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