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Red Sparrow is long on shock and short on engagement (movie review)

They gave me a choice: die or review Red Sparrow. I’m starting to think I should have picked the former.

Did you see Avengers: Age of Ultron? If the answer is no, you’re better off, but on the other hand, the quick montage we get in that movie of Black Widow’s backstory is more interesting and compelling than anything in this movie.

So if my opening joke did not properly set the tone for what follows, consider it now set.

With a 2018 release, Red Sparrow looks shockingly tone deaf in light of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, but the book was released in 2013 and it is true regardless of what year it is that misogyny and sexual misconduct are the rule of the land, so that’s not the problem. The issue is that what’s presented here is often illogical and bizarre.

I also think it’s well known that if you dye your hair blonde, you don’t go to the pool the next day because the chlorine will react to the chemicals in your hair and we’ll turn it green. People know that, right? Well, the people who made this movie didn’t know it or didn’t think it mattered.

But I know it.

That’s not killing this movie. The reason Red Sparrow isn’t a good film is at the heart of its boring plot, slow pacing, lack of chemistry between performers, lapses in directorial judgment, Jennifer Lawrence’s wavering accent, the dozen-or-so 3.5 inch floppy disks that are central to the plot even though this movie takes place in current-day and a million other things, including the delightful performance of Mary-Louise Partner, who does not seem to be aware of what movie she is in, but that’s hardly her fault. And I would be remiss if I didn’t at least hint at a scene that happens early on in the film that is so unbelievable that I just assumed it was a dream that could not really be happening in the context of this movie.

But it’s not a dream. No matter how much I want any of Red Sparrow not to be real, IT IS NOT A DREAM.

At 2 hours and 20 minutes, I think you may be begging for one of Red Sparrow’s assassins to put you out of your misery before it’s over. It has a few moments, but it generally chooses shock value over compelling content and offers little else while it slogs along with a plot that is not particularly difficult to follow but not worth the effort. If you’re given the choice of seeing Jumanji again or becoming a sparrow, probably see Jumanji again.

My 5 Favorite Christmas Movies (Quick Reviews)

 

The Christmas season is a ton of fun and it’s a time when people get together, so of course, it has its own movie genre.  I’m no stranger to Christmas movies, so I decided I’d make a list of my five favorites.  Not the BEST, not even the ones I THINK are the best, just the ones I currently enjoy the most.

What are some of your favorite Christmas movies?  There’s so many to choose from!  Let me know in the comments – I’d love to get some suggestions to add to my watch list.

Check out more Christmas episodes of Quick Reviews here!

PLEASE subscribe to the NEW YouTube channel! Subscribing to the show on YouTube helps get the episodes placed higher in YouTube search results and therefore helps more people find out the show exists. It’s a great way to support the show and it’s FREE! If you’re logged into any Google account (Gmail, YouTube, whatnot) you’re good to go. JUST CLICK THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON! Thanks again!

Why I’m NOT Seeing #JusticeLeague

Here’s the new episode of Quick Reviews, a quick essay on why I decided not to see Justice League in the theater. Warner Bros doesn’t want you to see it – they blocked it from YouTube – it’s the only episode that’s ever been blocked! First, they dropped a copyright claim, which, while ridiculous (reviews and essays are clearly covered by Fair Use and the video is less than six minutes long and doesn’t center around any one of their films, so it can’t be a footage issue) at least makes sense because YouTube policy allows them to collect ad revenue from said video (which is also dumb because I just don’t have much of an audience), but then they blocked the video entirely – probably because of my negative review of the DCEU.

You can see all the Quick Reviews episodes here!
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC5aJHN6zl_JVIjo1YWu91Zg
Don’t forget to subscribe!

PLEASE subscribe to the NEW YouTube channel! Subscribing to the show on YouTube helps get the episodes placed higher in YouTube search results and therefore helps more people find out the show exists. It’s a great way to support the show and it’s FREE! If you’re logged into any Google account (Gmail, YouTube, whatnot) you’re good to go. JUST CLICK THAT SUBSCRIBE BUTTON! Thanks again!

Will Reading update #6 – the TRAILER!!!

It’s finally here – the first trailer for our movie, Will Reading! I am pumped up about it!

WATCH TRAILER #2!

FOLLOW WILL READING ON FACEBOOK!

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The Maze Runner movie review

I’m no young adult genre expert, but I’d say The Maze Runner rides an interesting line between “thoroughly entertaining” and “not making any sense at all.”  It’s an interesting case – the movie works just as well as it fails.  Join me, won’t you, while I try to make sense and celebrate this flick?  Read the rest of this entry

What if (movie review)

Watch the trailer if you will, but be it known that is an AWFUL representation of What If and the complex issues it represents.  Or, this ain’t yo mama’s RomCom.  Read the rest of this entry

Pitch Perfect (movie review)

I believe it’s accurate to say that Pitch Perfect is universally liked, if not loved.  81% of reviewers and a 83% of the audience gave it a positive review (Rotten Tomatoes), so that’s at the very least a consensus that people on earth like this movie… and I have no idea why.   Read the rest of this entry

100 Greatest Movies of All Time

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This is as subjective as it gets, but anyway, I humbly present my list of the 100 greatest movies of all time in no particular order. Read the rest of this entry

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – Extended Edition (movie review)

Now that The Hobbit has wrapped up, we went home and started rewatching The Lord of the Rings and of course started with The Fellowship of the Ring (as per The Battle of Five Armies’ suggestion). Fellowship has always been my favorite (and only the Extended Edition will do), but it also makes it clear how very much The Hobbit movies pale in comparison. But that’s a discussion for another day – today, I’m talkin’ about the One Ring, yo! Read the rest of this entry

Only Low Budget Horror Movies Get Major Releases; Other Genres Can Go Screw

I never thought about it until I saw the trailer for Unfriended (AKA Offline, AKA Cybernatural), but I can’t recall a super low-budget indie flick getting a major release that wasn’t a horror movie.  Is it just me?  What does that mean?  I have a thought…  Read the rest of this entry

Total Recall 2012 (movie review)

Thirty percent of critics gave Total Recall (the 2012 remake) a positive review. That sounds about right.
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The Interview (movie review)

Honestly, I’m not sure why The Interview is at 52% on the Tomatometer. It’s well performed, beautifully photographed, has a message (on some level) and most importantly, it’s a comedy and it’s funny. Read the rest of this entry

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