Blog Archives

Transformers: Age of Extinction (movie review)

Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I keep watching these movies? Morbid curiosity, I guess. This time, I saw it for free on a plane, so that’s not much of a sacrifice on my part, and I guess this Transformers movie is better than the other ones, but that’s not saying much. Read the rest of this entry

All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies reviewed!

Well, that which I have been dreading is nearly upon us:  The Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is just days away.  As if you haven’t already guessed, I’m setting my expectations to low (especially after I saw the toys).  Then again, I tried that with Transformers, and look how that turned out.  Anyway, in the interest in getting caught up with all things Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from a movie standpoint, here are my scores and links to the reviews for all six TMNT movies.

I love the first one.  1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is awesome and I will hear nothing else on the subject.  9 out of 10.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze  is a baffling, disappointing follow-up, but  it’s watchable.  “Go ninja, go ninja, go!”  3 out of 10.

The third one… it’s not bad, but it feels like nobody gave a shiz.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is bad, but it could be much worse and they ditched the campy tone of the second, which was much appreciated.  5 out of 10.

2007’s TMNT is fine – it starts off strongly but falters.  3.5 out of 10.

I have to admit, I haven’t finished watching Turtles Forever.  For all its bold premise promises, I was shocked at how board I was while watching the flick – I’ll try to give it another chance ASAP.

That’s all for now…  boy, this new movie sure does look like shiz.  Oh well.  It’s got to be better than the Transformers movies… right?


New Ninja Turtles action figures makes the horror hit home

We’ve all seen the trailer, we’ve all felt sad, but it wasn’t really until I saw the action figures in the store that it felt real to me: Ninja Turtles is probably going to be an awful movie. Just look at what the did to Michelangelo! Just LOOK! They’ve bastardized my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! He’s got pants and a sweater and… bling?!? I just… I don’t see this working.

6 reasons Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze is lame (movie review)

After applauding the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and then saying that the third TMNT installment isn’t the worst thing ever, it’s time to finally hit rock bottom with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Let’s count the reasons this movie doesn’t work.  Read the rest of this entry

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 – movie review)

In my review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, I refer to this first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie as gritty, funny and interesting. I went on to praise it’s realistic tone and its blend of action, adventure, tragedy and comedy. I stand by that now and forever – this is a great movie. Read the rest of this entry

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 (movie review)

The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was gritty, funny and interesting. It had a realistic tone that the film makers blended well with the action, adventure, tragedy and comedy. When they moved on to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, they went for a much campier, cartoony feel where the Turtles rarely (if ever) draw their weapons. Here in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, we get something of a mix of the two.

Read the rest of this entry

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (movie review)

If my expectations for the first Transformers movie were low, then they were dragging on the ground for Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Then I saw the movie and my mind was forever changed about action movies.
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Transformers (movie review)

Well, it’s finally come to this: I’m going to review the Transformers movie. Not Transformers: The Movie, but instead, the 2007 Michael Bay directed live action feature. Before I get into this, I do want to mention two things: I went into this movie with super low expectations and I saw it in the theater. Read the rest of this entry

Is TurtleGate over or just on hold?

leonardo-tmntIf you follow the site, then you already know that I’ve been complaining about this for a while now, and I’m hoping that this revelation means the tide is starting to turn in my favor. Read the rest of this entry


So what’s new in Turtlegate?  Much.  Too much.



Paramount’s marketing team decided that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a mouthful, so they’ve shortened the title to simply Ninja Turtles.  I shit you not.  Michael Bay said so.  So… they changed the title of the film for marketing reasons?  And not because the nature of the revamped origin no longer makes them mutants?  No, it’s marketing – because if there’s anything a 25 year old franchise has a problem with, it’s branding.  You hear a title like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and think, “That sounds like a dumb movie I would never want to see,” but when you see Ninja Turtles, you think, “FUCKING AWESOME!  Where can I purchase tickets?”  This whole idea of alien turtles seems like change for the sake of change to me.  (or so I thought.) Unconfirmed sources tell me that they were going to re-brand Transformers as Trannies, but Paramount’s standards and practices division wouldn’t approve it for some reason.

Peter Laird, one of the co creaters of TMNT (see, we actually already have a perfectly good shorter version of the name – it’s called an acronym), dropped some comments on his blog:

A few people — who don’t seem to understand that I am no longer in control of the property — want me to stop this, somehow. Obviously, I can’t do that, even if I wanted to.

But I would actually encourage TMNT fans to swallow the “chill pill” Mr. Bay recently suggested they take, and wait and see what might come out of this seemingly ill-conceived plan. It’s possible that with enough truly creative brainpower applied to this idea, it might actually work. I’m not saying it’s probable, or even somewhat likely… but it IS possible.
However, as I have pondered this further, I have realized that in one way it IS truly a genius notion. Let me explain…
Over the years, I have made no secret of my distaste for what I consider to be the weak, facile, creatively bankrupt idea which can be summed up like this:
“If FOUR Ninja Turtles are good, then FIVE (or more) Ninja Turtles MUST be better!”

Anyway, to get back to the “TMNT are aliens” thing — the reason I say it could be a “genius” idea is that — for the first time — someone has come up with a way to have as many freakin’ Turtles as they want. I mean, if the TMNT are actually members of an alien race, there could be a whole PLANET of them!

I reject that idea that the more turtles there are, the merrier – and if your solution to having more than four is to completely revamp the origin, I think it might be time to call your creative writing teacher at the community center and ask for help.  Also, each one of the characters follows the four humors, (as pointed out by After Hours), so if you add more turtles…  uhm, then what the hell do you do?  They’ll end up being copies of the original four…  or, you know, Metalhead.  Who sucked.  Very hard.

Well, maybe Michael Bay will use this song and some of the premises outlined here – it could only help.

more Turtlegate at

Michael Bay Tells Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fans To "Chill"


Michael Bay suggested Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans take a chill pill.

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.


Huh. So Michael Bay and his team are hanging out with with either Kevin Eastman or Peter Laird and somehow, words don’t mean the same thing they did the day before. See, “expand and give a more complex back story” doesn’t meant the same thing as “We’re changing the origin because TMNT canon doesn’t have any opportunities for explosions at the beginning of the story and we’re setting up a series of movies and want to tell the origin at the beginning and when you’re making an action movie, something has to explode in the first scene – like a spaceship crashing! That would be awesome. Also, if their aliens, this makes them more like Transformers, which made a ton of money at the box office despite being terrible movies. THREE. FUCKING. TIMES.” I guess that doesn’t sound as nice as “We are just building a richer world,” but it’s certainly different then “Look, I don’t want to make a movie about a bunch of little turtles who were subjected to some chemicals and grew into mutant humanoid lifeforms.”

If Bay wants to make a movie about green guys from space who kick ass and have some nostalgic value, why not just make a Battletoads movie? I guess that dude just has too much contempt for his audience.

Hence Transformers.

I’m more than a little surprised Bay issued any kind of statement – I thought he’d just ignore all of the internet’s angry prattle. Instead, he went with the “Shut the hell up, I got this,” strategy, which I don’t think was a great move on his part. Still, he’s right – as is the case with nearly every movie ever made, I have NOT read the script and have no plans to. Still, I don’t really need to read it to know that if you changed the protagonists from sewer dwelling mutant turtles to space aliens, I don’t really need to read the script to tell you you’ve gone far afield from the source material.

In the end, maybe Bay will apologize by quoting Optimus Prime’s line from the first Transformers movie: “My bad.”

more Turtlegate at

Somebody Separate Michael Bay From The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles New Live Action Movie Project Before It’s Too Late!


I’m no fan of Michael Bay; his pictures just don’t do anything for me. Sure, I like it when stuff blows up, but somehow, Bay always finds a way to ruin it for me. I’ve never been a huge Transformers guy, but to say those movies are possibly the worst adaptation of any source material that’s ever been brought to the big screen… well, I think that might be an understatement.

And now, he’s got his hands on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“The turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely loveable.”


Rrr… they’re aliens? I have two questions:

How in the FUCK can they still be turtles if they’re not from earth?

Because galactic travel is not possible, I can’t prove my theory, but I always thought that turtles were indigenous to earth. OK, maybe turtles aren’t indigenous to earth after all… is that what’s going to happen when we finally make contact with an alien race? They’re all going to step out of the space craft and look like my dogs? Or Alec Baldwin? Either way… Well, If I can pick anybody, let’s go with Rashida Jones.

Why in the FUCK do they study ninjutsu?

Even if turtles aren’t indigenous to earth, I’m pretty sure I’ve got Bay this time. It’s hard for me to understand why a fighting art that developed in on specific part of Earth would be common place all over the galaxy… Or maybe the ambassador from the plant Heykidswhowerebornintheeightiesfuckyou will show up on day and present us with a trophy for developing the gold standard in fighting arts – because we obviously are better at hand to hand combat than a race that can travel faster than light.

OK, OK, I might be taking this whole thing a little too seriously, but why does Michael Bay have to break everything he touches? (The dude is like like The Three Stooges in a china shop… ugh, let’s not talk about The Three Stooges movie right now…) And while my interest in Transformers is casual, I was a hardcore Ninja Turtle fan back in the day – that show brought me countless hours of enjoyment (as well as an insane number of B movie references – go back and check out those episode titles, such as Plan 6 From Outer Space), and I have to get TMNT’s back.

Don’t screw with TMNT’s fundamental premise, Michael Bay – please. You’ve taken so much from us already, hurt us so badly so many times before… have mercy on us.


Have mercy.

Uncle Jesse style.

more Turtlegate at

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