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Why People Thought The Rapture Was Coming

a-shore-thing-snooki

If you walked into a book store and saw this, what would you think?

In the interest of being thorough, I watched an entire episode of The Jersey Shore, and besides being a complete and total waste of my time, it was immediately obvious that none of the cast members (or whatever you call people on a reality show) were from New Jersey as per their EXTREMELY THICK NEW YORK CITY ACCENTS, but whatever.  Excuse me for expecting a show called “The Jersey Shore” to be populated by people from New Jersey, but I guess that’s presumption on my part – it merely takes place at the Jersey shore.

The fact that a cast member (never mind the one called ‘Snooki’) wrote a book (or more likely, had someone ghost write it for her) isn’t one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, but it damn well should be.  Nevertheless, no rapture.  Maybe if The Situation hooks up with Ark Music Factory and drops a fresh jam, well… that might push us over the top.

Five Reasons The Rapture Won’t Occur On May 21, 2011

I’ve never been a big fan of end of days theories (or End of Days, for that matter), but this time, I’m sure it’s not going to happen tomorrow, on May 21, 2011. Here are five reasons I’m not worried and why God will let the earth continue to spin:

  1. God wants to see how Celebrity Apprentice ends
  2. God wants to see if the NFL is going to go on strike or not
  3. God has a passing interest in the NBA and NHL finals, but thinks they’re both one round too long
  4. God appreciates how much I want to see the Captain America movie this summer
  5. God is enjoying Conan O’Brien’s new show on TNT and can’t bare the idea of Coco going off the air again

But, if it does happen – well, there you go – I was wrong. I’m spending the day with my girlfriend anyway, and that’s what I’d do if I was a believer, so whatever – except we probably wouldn’t be going to Home Depot if we thought the rapture was coming.

“Ah-ha! The garbage cans are in the outdoor section… Is that Jesus? Oh never mind; it’s Joaquin Phoenix.”

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