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Marketing Pharmaceuticals Directly to the Consumer is a GREAT Ideat

No, really – direct marketing of pharmaceuticals to the consumer is totally awesome.  It’s the best idea EVER.  I love it.  It’s really wonderful.  I love those commercials; they function as not only wonderful works of marketing, but as beautiful pieces of film.

It’s a little confusing for folks of my generation, I think – if you were a kid in the 1980s, all the commercials told you not to do drugs.  These are some of my favorites:

It’s hard to understand how awesome, popular and powerful the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were; if the message of this commercial was, “Kill your parents, it’s totally righteous!” I might have done it.  Anyway, when mutants who live in the sewer tell you to stay off drugs, you stay off drugs.

“I learned it by watching you.”  That is the greatest line in a commercial, ever!  If anyone ever tells you you’re doing something wrong, tell them you learned to do it that way by watching them.  Awesome.

Ah, the frying pan girl.  Does anyone break shiz the way she does?  I’ve always assumed she was conceived during a one night stand with one of the members of Kiss – but probably not Peter Chris.  Can you imagine?  “Oo Chris, you look like a cat, and that is exactly what turns me on!”

However, I do NOT support the ‘Above the influence’ campaign.  I get it, it’s a play on the expression, ‘under the influence,” which is hilarious, but drug abuse is not a laughing matter, whether we’re talking about ‘pot’ (do people still call it pot?) or pharmaceuticals.

Uhm, I have questions.  Does marijuana make you see and hear talking dogs, or does it make you think your dog is talking?  Either way, I’m going to have to reevaluate my stance on marijuana if true.  (Note:  modify notes on illegal drugs:  change marijuana’s definition from ‘makes you eat cookie dough’ to ‘makes you trip balls.’)

Sorry, I got distracted.  This info is old, but as of 2008, only the US and New Zealand allowed for the direct marketing of pharmaceuticals to the consumers.  Yep, New Zealand:  best know for being near Australia and the location home of the Lord of the Rings movies.  Let’s take a look at this Ambien commercial:

Wow.  The friendly man starts reading the side effects 23 seconds and wraps up at the 56 second mark (would be lovely to get informed about something like this case at too, why not?).  I think I heard something about my tongue swelling up, suicide, being aggressive – maybe he threw the word fatal in there somewhere, I don’t know.  What I do know is that he’s asking me to reduce my doctor’s roll to that of a drug dealer.  Honestly, who has the cahones to walk into their doctor’s office and say, “Hey, I’ve got this sleep issue, but it’s all good because I saw this commercial on TV last night, and I just need a prescription for Ambien.  Write. It.  Up.  Doc.  Don’t waste my mother fucking time! That’s right, go all Al Pacino on his or her ass.  Because, despite not being a doctor, there isn’t any reason why you can’t self diagnose yourself.  You’re smart, right?  It’s not like you can split the atom or went through four years of medical school, but you’re still pretty smart, so diagnose all night long, as I like to say.  I’m sure your doctor will think its awesome – or hilarious, or tell you to get out and never come back.

But if you’ve got a sleep issue, I feel ya.  I’ve been there.  That rooster is a bitch, right?  Oh, you never hallucinated roosters?  Well, according to the commercial, you’re the only one:  the lady saw the rooster until she took Ambien and the guy at her job that looked drowsy (or pissed off because he hates his job, I couldn’t tell) saw the rooster.  Oh wow, I just realized Ambien come to snuff the rooster!  That’s totally bizarre!  Dude, leave the rooster alone, that guy is cool as hell.

I don’t meant to pick on the Ambien people – I just picked them at random.  Oh, and because of the rooster.  The rooster rules.   “No he ain’t gonna die – no!”

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