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A Very Merry Toy Store movie review

LIFETIME has done it:  they are the winner of the First Annual CreativeJamie.com Worst Made for TV Christmas Movie Award.  Congratulations!  YOU EARNED IT.

A Very Merry Toy Store is actually about three toy stores – not one, but three!  And, I suppose they’re merry… I mean, none of them are especially merry, so this should set the tone for what sort of movie this is.

So, what’s the plot?  It’s a SUPER LAZY retelling of You’ve Got Mail (though not really Shop Around the Corner).  We’ve got two businesses going head to head, but in an effort to give the audience a flatter villain and to decrease the tension between Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Hart, there’s a THIRD toy store run by a greedy businessman BECAUSE OF COURSE THERE IS.

If you’re wondering what happens between Mario Lopez and Melissa Joan Hart, well, cue a Simpsons reference:

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There’s all sorts of other things going on.  Mario Cantone improvises some funny stuff, Brian Dennehy can barely bother to stand up AND I DON’T BLAME HIM.  The dialogue, the photography, the editing, the terrible green screen, the bizarre sled race that stole its pacing from The Phantom Menace, that awful comp shot…

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Just look at the size of the parking lot compared to the buildings… and the fact that this seems to be taking place at the North Pole? During the Northern Lights? Only this movie…

This movie is so bad it’s good.  It’s one of those, but more in a “nobody gives a shiz” sort of way rather than a “nobody knows what they’re doing.”  I can’t wait to watch it again!

Wish Upon a Christmas (2015) movie review

I have a million questions about Wish Upon A Christmas.  And here they are! Read the rest of this entry

A Gift Wrapped Christmas movie review

a gift wrapped Christmas movie lifetime

A Gift Wrapped Christmas is the first 2015 installment from Lifetime’s never-ending made for TV Christmas movie factory (only rivaled by Hallmark).  As per usual, this movie has nothing new to offer but is at least passable entertainment.  Read the rest of this entry

Lifetime’s The Unauthorized Full House Story is lamer than it sounds

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said no one involved with the production of The Unauthorized Full House Story

Oh Lifetime; no one does shameless cash grabs like you.  We all know about their Christmas movie factory, but when one knows what they’re looking at, the cheap wigs and stock footage is even more of an eyesore when watching The Unauthorized Full House StoryRead the rest of this entry

Finding Mrs. Claus (quick movie review)

Can you handle the combined star power of Mira Sorvino and Laura Vandervoort? Yeah, I thought not. Or rather, you shouldn’t try. Because this movie stinks. Read the rest of this entry

The Christmas Consultant (movie review)

TV veterans David Hasselhoff and Caroline Rhea are teaming up in The Christmas Consultant (or, as it’s known in Germany, Christmas Planner) and hilarious antics ensue… well, not really, but it’s not bad for a Lifetime Christmas movie.

Read the rest of this entry

12 Trees Of Christmas (movie review)

I couldn’t find a trailer for 12 Trees Of Christmas… but you get the idea. Although, if this video brought the question “Why would someone want this movie on DVD?” to mind, that’s totally fair. Such is Lifetime.

Somehow, they just couldn’t get Matthew McConaughey and Jennifer Garner to make this movie. Check this pitch out – it sounds just like the sort of Rom Com they’d do – pre “McConaissance,” that is. Read the rest of this entry

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