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3000 Miles to Graceland is a huge pile of shit (movie review)

3000-Miles-to-Graceland

I decided not to bury the lead.

So yeah, this movie is not good. 3000 Miles to Graceland opens with two silly looking digital scorpions fighting each other. The metaphor and connection to the plot is, in a word, forced. Anyway, the basic premise is five guys dressed up like Elvis during an Elvis impersonator weekend in Las Vegas rob a Casino. Your brain is going to make you expect to see a scene where they all disappear into a crowd of Elvis’s (or Elvie?), but it never happens. That’s a recurring motif in the movie; the thing the plot seems to pointing to never happens. (The studio decided not to release this movie under its original title: Shattered Expectations.)

And don’t bother waiting for the climactic fight between Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell, because there isn’t one… I guess I just made this point, so moving on.

Besides its own fundemental plot issues, the other big problem with 3000 Miles to Graceland is the characters. You sort of root for Russell, but you don’t sympathize with him, and you don’t really like anyone else. Costner is sorta fun in a bad guy you love to hate sort of way, but you don’t want him to win, and Courtney Cox is just a dispicable excuse for a character you’re supposed to relate to, because you can’t get behind a mother abandoning her son with someone who just got out of prison.

Add I was really surprised when that woman snowballed Costner, but that’s beside the point.

So you’re sitting there, watching the movie, wondering how much longer it could possibly be (it’s a grueling 2+hours), Ice T shows up out of nowhere (Howie Long also pops in and out, doing basically what he did in Broken Arrow) and gives you false hope but provides two of the biggest laughs of the movie, one intentional, one not.

At the end of the day, 3000 Miles to Graceland is bloated and pleases no one. The action isn’t exciting enough, the characters are too flat and the plot barely holds together, so you can’t write it off a genre flick when it doesn’t adhere to any conventions of any genres – except poorly made movies.

3000 Miles to Graceland is streaming on Netflix – proceed at your own risk.

Escape From LA movie review

escape-from-la

My Score: 70%

Kurt Russell returns as Snake Plissken in the sequel to 1981’s Escape from New York. It’s a sequel nobody asked for, and even if they did, they’d probably asked for it 15 years earlier than they got it.  Still, it has some redeeming qualities, most notably, it’s cast.  Russell’s co stars include Steve Buscemi, Peter Fonda, Pam Grier and Bruce Campbell. Cliff Robertson plays The President and back then, he looked like Mitt Romney looks now.

cliff-robertson-mitt-romney

No kidding.

And Robertson’s not the only one.

Anyway, Michelle Forbes has a supporting roll and apparently, I’m a jackass for thinking the only things she’s been in is this movie and Star Trek: The Next Generation. In reality, she’s been working consistently since the late 80s. Read the rest of this entry

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