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Red Sparrow is long on shock and short on engagement (movie review)

They gave me a choice: die or review Red Sparrow. I’m starting to think I should have picked the former.

Did you see Avengers: Age of Ultron? If the answer is no, you’re better off, but on the other hand, the quick montage we get in that movie of Black Widow’s backstory is more interesting and compelling than anything in this movie.

So if my opening joke did not properly set the tone for what follows, consider it now set.

With a 2018 release, Red Sparrow looks shockingly tone deaf in light of the #MeToo and #TimesUp movements, but the book was released in 2013 and it is true regardless of what year it is that misogyny and sexual misconduct are the rule of the land, so that’s not the problem. The issue is that what’s presented here is often illogical and bizarre.

I also think it’s well known that if you dye your hair blonde, you don’t go to the pool the next day because the chlorine will react to the chemicals in your hair and we’ll turn it green. People know that, right? Well, the people who made this movie didn’t know it or didn’t think it mattered.

But I know it.

That’s not killing this movie. The reason Red Sparrow isn’t a good film is at the heart of its boring plot, slow pacing, lack of chemistry between performers, lapses in directorial judgment, Jennifer Lawrence’s wavering accent, the dozen-or-so 3.5 inch floppy disks that are central to the plot even though this movie takes place in current-day and a million other things, including the delightful performance of Mary-Louise Partner, who does not seem to be aware of what movie she is in, but that’s hardly her fault. And I would be remiss if I didn’t at least hint at a scene that happens early on in the film that is so unbelievable that I just assumed it was a dream that could not really be happening in the context of this movie.

But it’s not a dream. No matter how much I want any of Red Sparrow not to be real, IT IS NOT A DREAM.

At 2 hours and 20 minutes, I think you may be begging for one of Red Sparrow’s assassins to put you out of your misery before it’s over. It has a few moments, but it generally chooses shock value over compelling content and offers little else while it slogs along with a plot that is not particularly difficult to follow but not worth the effort. If you’re given the choice of seeing Jumanji again or becoming a sparrow, probably see Jumanji again.

Beautiful Creatures movie review

Why is this movie called Beautiful Creatures?  I don’t even have a guess…  (IE, I recall no creatures, just people.)  But as far as “the protagonist is a special snowflake in this young adult novel fantasy romance adaptation” genre goes, it’s a decent movie with some great actors turning in quality performances.  Read the rest of this entry

Jesse Eisenberg will play Lex Luthor, Jeremy Irons Cast as Alfred in upcoming Batman-Superman Movie

I’m sure everyone has heard by now that Jesse Eisenberg will play Lex Luthor and  Jeremy Irons will play Alfred in upcoming Batman-Superman movie (that is rumored to be delayed because either Ben Affleck hurt his leg or they need more time to finish special effects).  I’m sure by now everyone is over their Batfleck trauma (note:  I was never effected by this as I’m an Affleck fan, if not always a fan of the movies he appears in) and Jeremy Irons sounds like a fine choice to play Alfred, but for some reason, I am anticipating the most controversy over Eisenberg’s casting.  I think he’ll do a fine job and probably provide levity as well as menace.  Still, I didn’t see this coming – although I probably should have…

Die Hard with a Vengeance (movie review)

die-hard-with-a-vengeanceDie Hard week continues as we anticipate the opening of A Good Day to Die Hard on Thursday, after which we’ll have to incorporate “yippee ki yay mother Russia” into the pop culture lexicon. Today, we’re taking a look at Die Hard with a Vengeance, which I assume everyone has seen at this point, so this is more of a Die Hard  with a Vengeance points of interest post rather than a full movie review, but I do ramble on for a while.

After having that title issue with Die Hard 2 being known as Die Hard 2, Die Harder, or Die Hard 2:  Die Harder, they decided to give up on the numbers all together and just call this one Die Hard with a Vengeance, which sounds silly to me, but this movie rocks and is my favorite in the series.   Read the rest of this entry

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