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Jurassic World Fallen Kingdom? More like Failing Franchise! (Movie review)

jurassic-world-fallen-kingdom-box-office

(And by “Failing,” I mean artistically, obviously not commercially.)

Journey with me into the depths of Universal Pictures and see how a Jurassic World movie gets made… if you DARE.

“Okay everybody, it’s time to open the cash register that is the Jurassic Park franchise. Does anybody have ideas for a script?”

“That’s easy. Just take the script for Jurassic World and cross out “The Park is open,” and replace it with “There’s lava, but not for the entire movie, because that would get expensive,” and that’ll do. For the rest of the time, we’ll just do the exact same ‘genetically engineered dinosaur on the loose’ and ‘dinosaurs can be trained, bond with humans’ thing we did last time.”

“Okay.  I think that’s lunch.”

It’s just that simple, folks.  They put shiny thing in front of us and we open our wallets.

Speaking of which, Director J. A. Bayona gives us some interesting things to look at during the course of 128 minutes where there’s nothing to think or feel about – he does this trick with shadows that’s both effective and cool to look at, but he does it more than once, which was probably not a good idea.

Meanwhile, the idea to bring human cloning into the movie reeks of both “Look, here’s something NEW! Don’t you see how this movie is totally different?” and “This may be way off brand, but the next movie can now be able human-dinosaur hybrids,” and man, do I NOT want to see that movie.

Anyway, Chris Pratt and Bryce Dallas Howard are both likable enough, Daniella Pineda and Justice Smith are both welcomed additions and Jeff Goldblum isn’t really in this movie, it’s just a cheap gimmick.  Toby Jones and B. D. Wong could really use a mustache to twirl, and that about rounds out the cast.

What else can I say about Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom?  It’s especially engaging – I’ve never seen so many people leave the theater to go to the bathroom during a movie.  It’s not that it’s fundamentally broken, it’s just lazy.  If this is your first Jurassic Park movie, maybe you’ll enjoy it. but as a twenty year veteran of the franchise, I was just waiting for it to be over.

“12 Angry Men Inside Amy Schumer” tv review

“12 Angry Men Inside Amy Schumer” is the third episode from season three of Inside Amy Schumer and it’s one of the most effective parodies I’ve ever seen.  Read the rest of this entry

Le Week-end (quick movie review)

What can one say about Le Week-end?  The movie doesn’t have much of a plot, yet it’s still a flowing… well, “narrative” probably isn’t the right word, but it’s something.

Jim Broadbent and Lindsay Duncan are both excellent in their starring roles.  Their performances, along with direction by Roger Michell, photography by Nathalie Durand and editing by Kristina Hetherington are the driving force behind this movie.  I’m sure lots of other folks worked hard on this flick, but without these five people turning in masterful efforts, this movie would probably be a big pile of pretentious drivel.

A quick word about Jeff Goldblum:  this is Goldblum at his most Goldblum-i-ness.  He was the perfect person to play this particular role and it’s all the funnier that they’re playing off his reputation.  Not a show stopper, but a quiet joke that comes out of nowhere.

I didn’t love it, but if you don’t mind listening to an older married couple argue for 93 minutes, I’d give Le Week-end a whirl – let’s score it a 7 out of 10.

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