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Run, it’s the merchandising execution team!

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I totally want to be on the merchandising execution team! I presume that their job is to execute hammers when the murder a nail.

Five Reasons The Rapture Won’t Occur On May 21, 2011

I’ve never been a big fan of end of days theories (or End of Days, for that matter), but this time, I’m sure it’s not going to happen tomorrow, on May 21, 2011. Here are five reasons I’m not worried and why God will let the earth continue to spin:

  1. God wants to see how Celebrity Apprentice ends
  2. God wants to see if the NFL is going to go on strike or not
  3. God has a passing interest in the NBA and NHL finals, but thinks they’re both one round too long
  4. God appreciates how much I want to see the Captain America movie this summer
  5. God is enjoying Conan O’Brien’s new show on TNT and can’t bare the idea of Coco going off the air again

But, if it does happen – well, there you go – I was wrong. I’m spending the day with my girlfriend anyway, and that’s what I’d do if I was a believer, so whatever – except we probably wouldn’t be going to Home Depot if we thought the rapture was coming.

“Ah-ha! The garbage cans are in the outdoor section… Is that Jesus? Oh never mind; it’s Joaquin Phoenix.”

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