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Heil Honey, I’m Home! [tv review]

heil-honey-i-m-home-hitler-sitcom

This isn’t a review; it’s more like a public service announcement.  For some reason, I think it’s important that you know someone tried to make a situation comedy about Adolf Hitler twenty years ago. Read the rest of this entry

A Fly On The Wall: Michael Jordan And His Hitler Mustache

Welcome to A Fly On The Wall, a feature that imagines what it would be like to hear conversations that  may or may not have ever actually occurred.  This time, we’ll use our fly power to head over to Michael Jordan’s house and listen in on a conversation he may or may not of had with his agent.

AGENT:  Hey, there’s my guy!  There’s my guy!  How the hell are you, Michael?!?

MICHAEL:  Doing well.  Yourself?

AGENT:  I am fantastic, Michael – I am fantastic because right now, I have in my possession two items:  a gigantic check to you from Hanes and, of less importance, the commercials from the Flight #23 campaign.

MICHAEL:  Nice!  So you want to watch the spots or have a money fight?

mr burns mr smithers money fight the simpsons

Burns only has more money than Jordan because Burns doesn’t gamble.

AGENT:  Can’t we do both?

MICHAEL:  Ha!  Yes, but just to make sure I don’t look like an asshole, let’s light up some cigars and watch the Hanes spots first.

AGENT:  Cool.

MICHAEL:  Didn’t have one line in that spot and I’m still awesome.

AGENT:  Yeah…  uhm, yeah…  lets see the next one.

MICHAEL:  Even got a biblical reference in this one.  Nice.

AGENT:  Yeah, you did… Michael, did you shoot all of these spots on the same day?

MICHAEL:  Yep, one long, grueling day.  Why do you ask?

AGENT:  Oh my God.

MICHAEL:  What’s the matter?

AGENT:  Fuck.

MICHAEL:  What?

AGENT:  Fuck, fuck, FUCK! Holy shit, Michael!  What the hell were you thinking?

MICHAEL:  What’s wrong?

AGENT:  Fuck, Michael, do you have to ask?  You just made fifteen underwear commercials in which you have a Hitler mustache!

Hitler Mustache Michael Jordan Hitler Mustache Hanes

Pictured Left:  Crazy Person.  Pictured Right:  Crazy Mustache.

MICHAEL:  Oh that.  Yeah, I know.

AGENT:  You know?

MICHAEL:  Of course I know.  I do shave myself.

AGENT:  What the hell were you thinking?

MICHAEL:  I’m taking it back.

AGENT:  Taking it back?

MICHAEL:  Yep.

AGENT:  Taking it back.

MICHAEL:  You got it.

AGENT:  Michael, one doesn’t simply take back the Hitler mustache.

MICHAEL:  True enough; however, not everybody is me.

AGENT:  Meaning?

MICHAEL:  Meaning that bastard has held on to the look for decades – he’s been dead since 1945, and I think it’s time to take it back.

AGENT:  You can’t take it back.

MICHAEL:  The hell I can’t.  I can do anything!

AGENT:  Except hit a baseball.

Michael Jordon Chicago White Sox Baseball strikes out sports illustrated

Too bad Jordan wasn’t on the same team as Jose Canseco.

Read the rest of this entry

North Iowa Tea Party’s anti socialist obama billboard

North Iowa Tea Party’s anti socialist obama billboard

I don’t see how I can take a political party seriously when they’re running ads like this one.  Step into my office, North Iowa Tea Party.

First off, its just bad marketing – all I can learn about your organization, which is new and I know little about, is what I can infer – that you don’t like socialism of any kind.  So why bother to separate them into  categories?  Why not just put all three figures on the billboard together, not separated by anything and just label it, ‘Socialists!’ because by putting these three together, you’re trying to at the very least infer they’re all the same on some level…  Right?  I think that’s what you’re saying.

Who’s praying on the fearful and naive?  Equating Hitler, Lenin and Obama?  Really?  No high school history student could take that seriously.  When Obama orders mass murder, call me.

And stop me if I’m way off, but I read in a few different publications that nearly all Tea Party members describe themselves as supporters of Social Security and Medicare.  Aren’t those socialist programs?  Pretty sure at least one is… the one with ‘social’ in the title, right?

Also, New Hampshire called:  they want their motto back!

Finally, I love that they’re the North Iowa Tea Party.  Iowa has a population of 3,007,856.  I know it’s a big place, but does your state really needs more than one branch of the Tea Party?  Brooklyn has a population of over 2 million…  or maybe its that there was one Iowa Tea Party, but they had to split in two because the South Iowa Tea Party wanted the billboard to read:  “Obama – impeach him because he’s black.  Seriously.”

But whatever, North Iowa Tea Party.

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