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Love You Like Christmas (2016) movie review

I know I watched Love You Like Christmas.  I KNOW IT!  My mom was here that day, me and my wife kept saying, “Why is this movie called Love You Like Christmas?  Also, “Love You Like Christmas” is not a thing.”  I know I saw it, I know it happened and I even found the notes I conveniently saved for myself.  But any memory of the actual movie?  POOF.  I’m going to dig up some trailers to refresh my memory on what I guess was so bland and uninteresting that I deleted it from my brain to make space for Switched for Christmas.

JAMIE watches the trailer, suppressed memories come flooding back

Oh right, Love You Like Christmas is the Doc Hollywood knockoff.

Except terrible.

The plot, the protagonist and the mechanic
This movie is a “12 Days of Christmas” sort of bad – in the sense that there are at least twelve things wrong with it.  The protagonist doesn’t have an arc because she doesn’t have to change much.  She’s a likable workaholic who seems neither unhappy or stressed by her job, so there’s nowhere to go.  And speaking of nowhere to go, I know the broken down car is just a plot device to keep her in town until the romance thread takes hold, but it is so badly constructed that you’ll begin to wonder if this guy in coveralls is an actual mechanic.  SPOILER ALERT:  the person that wrote this movie doesn’t know how cars work.

“Hello, stranger.   Will YOU be my mom?”
I know someone always has to have a dead parent in these Hallmark Christmas movies, but this kid is creeping me out – I know she has a mom sized hole in her life, but she’s obsessed.  I’m pretty sure that if Bonnie Somerville doesn’t marry Brennan Elliott, this kid is going to make herself a Bonnie Somerville mannequin (out of Bonnie Somerville) and talk to it, dress it up, hide it in the fruit cellar…

You see where I’m going with this.

“I make restaurant authentic Pakistani restaurant.”
Every time a scene is set in the dinner (which the Somerville’s character suggests switches to a Christmas theme, perhaps the most obvious suggestion in the history of time), I can’t help but think of Babhu.  It’s probably just a coincidence, but it reminds me so much of that episode of Seinfeld.

Here are a few more things I hate about this movie in rapid fire:

  1. “I’m a prescriptive man who belittles your accomplishments.”  Great character, movie.  Just. GREAT.
  2. Really, you’re playing the cell phone card?
  3. Christmas Valley doesn’t seem to be a place where they make salad dressing.  Oh wait, that’s Hidden Valley – my mistake.  Objection withdrawn.
  4. Another single dad – there are SO MANY SINGLE DADS in these movies.   Danica McKellar found one in My Christmas Dream (a movie that SPOILER ALERT: has nothing to do with dreams)
  5. Another thing these movies love is what I’ve come to call city shaming – this woman from Manhattan has never experienced a real Christmas.  Except that she works on Madison Avenue!  That’s Christmas central!  Just for good measure, they should have her work in the Saks building with a view of the tree in Rockefeller Center.
  6. And he’s losing his business.  What a shock. Someone is ALWAYS losing their business in these movies and the protagonist swoops in and saves the day.  ALWAYS.

Anyway, I don’t recommend Love You Like Christmas – it’s boring, which is the worst kind of bad a movie can be.

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The Christmas Train (2017) movie review

A star-studded event from the Hallmark Channel in the guise of The Christmas  Train is essentially Murder on the Orient Express, but with more romance and petty theft instead of MURDER. Who stole the pen? And the sunglasses? And who wants Father of the Bride (Kimberly Williams-Paisley) to bang her ex (Dermot Mulroney) and why? All these questions will be answered (says in non-committal voice, “In a satisfying way…”), but then, if you’ve seen Murder on the Orient Express, you already know the answer.

You have to wonder how this movie came to exist. Although really, simple logic suggests that all you have to do is look at what’s playing at your local theater and what a coincidence! There is a new version of Murder on the Orient Express playing right now! Where do the folks at the Hallmark Channel come up with their ideas?

Roger Myers Jr

“Okay. Maybe my dad did steal Itchy. But so what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren’t for someone plagiarizing The Honeymooners, we wouldn’t have The Flintstones. If someone hadn’t ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there’d be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound? Chief Wiggum? Yogi Bear? Ha! Andy Griffith. Edward G. Robinson. Art Carney. Your Honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from?”

“Plagiarism is such as strong word. I prefer “creative expropriation”.”

But the plot thickens. It turns out, The Christmas Train is a novel that the Hallmark Channel must have purchased the rights to and then adapted into a film. What a sorry state of affairs.

Now that we got that out-of-the-way, is The Christmas Train any good? Well, it’s just kind of par for the Hallmark Channel Christmas movie course. In an unusual move, you can see that most of the budget went to the cast and the sets/locations, but definitely not to digital effects. (There are some really ugly shots of the train stuck in the snow.)  I get the impression that they wanted to keep up the illusion so that Dermot Mulroney, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Danny Glover and Joan Cusack wouldn’t leave the set thinking the movie was a cheap piece of crap they shouldn’t promote.  It’s not till you actually watch the movie that the seams start to show.

Speaking of high-priced talent (again, on the Hallmark Channel Christmas movie scale) Dermot Mulroney, Kimberly Williams-Paisley, Danny Glover and Joan Cusack aren’t exactly phoning it in, and Mulroney and Kimberly Williams-Paisley have a lot more to do, so… what I’m saying is, I wouldn’t watch this movie just because you’re a fan of these actors.  This isn’t exactly a performance piece.

When it comes down to it, The Christmas Train is an adaptation of a novel that is really just a Christmas fan-fiction version of Murder on the Orient Express. What else is there to say?

Oh, I don’t especially recommend it, but it will neither ruin nor improve your life.

Christmas in Evergreen (2017)


What follows is a lesson in tone. Delicious cheese is what awaits you if you watch Christmas in Evergreen with Ashley Williams.

Is it cheesy? Sure. That’s par for the Hallmark Channel, but the movie frames itself that way with the opening voice over and plot points. From the second it starts, it’s clear that this movie is not trying to engage you in a serious/dramatic way, but with an almost fantasy like atmosphere. This opening sets expectations to a realistic level.

Of course, that’s not to say that the movie is not without problems.

Ashley Williams character remarks, “I’ve got an idea,” far too often. It’s lazy writing; so many times the plot has a simple resolution staring all of the characters in the face, but only Ashley Williams has an idea that will save the day!

There’s no surprises nor any new ground covered in Christmas in Evergreen. Shake the globe, make a wish and watch the plot conveniences unfold. Williams is charming, but this movie is just another inoffensive content filler on the Hallmark Channel.

A Family for Christmas (2015) movie review


A competently executed Christmas themed retake on Peggy Sue Got Married called A Family for Christmas has almost everything you need for a good movie.

ALMOST.

But, you know, it’s the same old problems for the Hallmark Channel: rehashed old plot points (from better movies) and dialogue that bounces between mediocre and awful.

The predictable nature of A Family for Christmas is its undoing.  There’s no way to tell this story in a compelling way. The dog helps (A LOT), but it’s just not enough. It’s not completely unwatchable, but there are far better Christmas movies than A Family for Christmas.

Christmas Festival of Ice (2017) movie review

In the tradition of Moonlight and Mistletoe comes Christmas Festival of Ice (man, that title just rolls right off the tongue). It’s yet another Christmas movie where they have to raise money to save the thing.  This time, “the thing” is just one feature of a Christmas Festival: an ice sculpting contest.  (You know, traditional Christmas ice sculpting!  The Christmas tradition that has swept the nation… in places that aren’t always hot or ravaged by climate change.) Anyway, it’s going to be one of those.

So what’s the plot?  New law school graduate Emma (Taylor Cole) goes to work at her mom’s law office (the impeccably dressed Wendy Crewson of The Santa Clause series and Air Force One) and discovers that the annual ice sculpting contest has been cancelled (although the Christmas Festival is still happening).  Emma isn’t having that, so she goes on a crusade to raise the $20,000 it’ll cost to put on the ice sculpting festival.

Let’s put the breaks on.  We can extrapolate that a graduate of law school is at least twenty-four years old.  Emma says she’s been sculpting in the contest with her dad since she was little, so let’s say that she’s participated for the last twenty years  on some level or another.  Without adjusting for inflation, we can then assume that this little town has spent $400,000 on ice sculpting contests over the decades.

Wow.  If that much money was spent per year in the one horse town I grew up in on anything other than high school football, there’d be blood in the streets.  I just can’t fathom it.  And how much does the rest of the Christmas festival cost?  And try to look in the background at the other booths – they are indecipherable.

Also, no one seems to give a shit.  If people really care about a thing or a business sees an opportunity, raising $20,000 shouldn’t be that tough.  Finding twenty companies to give a grand each in the general area (which doesn’t seem economically depressed) shouldn’t be that hard. You get a donation, you let them put up a “Presented By” banner at the festival and done deal.  This isn’t that complicated…

Except that again, no one gives a shit and Emma raises less than half of the money by the deadline only to be saved at the last minute by an anonymous donor.  It would have been a lot more reasonable to have her save the entire festival and not just one facet of it, but I guess that ruins the anonymous donor reveal at the end of the flick, which is a long way to go for a concept that doesn’t exist until the last quarter of the movie.

And I haven’t even mentioned the camera work and editing – it’s not good.  Most of the time, it’s fine, but every once in a while, there’ll be something ugly, poorly timed and just downright bad.  They also had a hard time filming the ice sculptures… sometimes it worked, but most of the time, you can’t tell what they’re supposed to be due to lighting, focus, camera placement, etc.

I will spare you the tale of Emma’s love interest.  Damon Runyan (Star Trek Discovery) was punished for his sins, let’s say that.

Which brings me to the movie’s total lack of interest in ice sculptures.  The more important they become to the plot, the less you see of them.  It’s baffling.  Even the prize winning masterpiece at the end… I couldn’t tell you what it was.

I have no idea.  And “ice sculpture” is in the title of the movie.

No one working on Christmas Festival of Ice gave a shit and you won’t either.  It’s predictable, boring and often nonsensical.  Taylor Cole is charming, but that’s not enough to save this one.

Christmas in the Air (2017) movie review

The Hallmark Channel presents Christmas in the Air, because you’ve got a call your movie something.

A busy toy making single dad (there’s always a single parent with cute kids because someone is always dead in these movies and this time, it’s this guy’s wife) decides to hire a professional organizer (despite the fact that her business card contains virtually no information at all) to help him find a balance between work and his kids. She’ll help him succeed in business and make time for what really matters while he shows her that there’s more to life than organizing despite the fact that there is virtually no evidence that she is a cold, rigid person who never takes time for fun.

Oh, I think I just figured out that this movie is called Christmas in the Air because the future of the company is based on a Santa sled drone. (Because no one has developed drone toys yet.) And let’s totally ignore the cutting edge hologram technology that is only used to perform excerpts from The Nutcracker. Yeah… that. But don’t forget the totally impossible board game drawers that are literally magic – not to mention that it topped with a giant tablet that can only do 10 things, none of which are practical uses for a tablet.

Sure, the relationship between the brothers is underdeveloped and the romance between the two leads is forced, but there are worse Hallmark movies. It’s not completely devoid of human emotion, which is always a good thing. It never goes beyond the superficial surface, but Christmas in the Air is totally watchable on the made-for-tv Christmas movies scale.

Finding Santa (2017) movie review

Jodie Sweeten stars in Finding Santa, where she has to find [plot device] to save the [plot device] and the only one who can save us is Ben….  (Played by Eric Winter…  I did NOT make that up.) Oh, but Ben doesn’t seem to like Christmas!

 

So not only is the plot hilariously predictable, it’s also kind of insane.  I understand that when you’re getting close to Christmas, booking an experienced Santa Claus is difficult, but the idea that the only person who can fill the big fat red suit is a 35-year-old skinny writer who’s Dad runs a Santa school doesn’t make a lot of sense.

groundhog-day-piano

And then we get into this old chestnut:

simpsons-robot

Yeah, the only thing more tired than “will they or won’t they” is the ol’ Pride and Prejudice rip off.   When the lead in a Hallmark movie has instant conflict with a member of the opposite sex, you immediately know exactly how the movie is going to end.  This creates a terrible predicament for the film makers because only one question is left to answer:

Will they get to the inevitable kiss in an interesting way?

All such hope is MISBEGOTTEN.

That’s this movie’s problem – the plot is ridiculous, you know how it’s going to end, but to watch the characters fight to delay the inevitable is beyond frustrating.  That’s what makes a movie like Finding Santa so annoying – the frustration factor.  When no one has a reasonable argument to create or sustain conflict, it makes the viewing experience beyond annoying.

And that’s what Finding Santa is – a frustrating experience from beginning to end.  Jodie Sweeten and Eric Winter are charming enough, but the screenplay is soooooo lazy.  You can only have the same argument so many times before it becomes nails on a chalkboard.  If one were to take a shot every time Ben says, “I have to get back to Boston,” they’d be drunk halfway through the movie and dead by the time it was over.

So should you add Finding Santa to your DVR?  Probably not.  It’s not the masochist free for all that is A December Bride, but it’s close.

Too close.

Switched for Christmas (2017) movie review

Can you handle the power of Candace Cameron Bure?  Can you handle it when there’s twice the Bure?  Let me just tell you THAT YOU CANNOT.

full-house-dj-whoa-baby-kimmy

That’s right, DJ Tanner goes full Parent Trap/Prince and the Pauper on Christmas in Switched for Christmas.  And… it’s not terrible.

I know, right?  The premise is ridiculous.  Two adults with careers (teacher, real estate development… I guess?) who are identical twins switch places.  At work.  As in, they’re doing each other’s jobs.  Sure, the switching sister doesn’t actually teach children, but she does go to meetings with the boss…

Just so I’m being clear:  if you have an identical twin, DON’T SWITCH PLACES.  This is a terrible idea.

And yet, the movie isn’t that bad.  It has, dare I say, good pacing, decent performances, the dialogue didn’t make me throw up in my mouth (it’s not perfect), uhm… I dunno.  I’ve seen worse Christmas movies.  On the Hallmark Channel.  Starring Full House cast members.

There’s not a single surprise in this movie EXCEPT that they didn’t cheap out on the twin effect.  Most of them are simple (locked off camera with garbage mat, shot-reverse-shot with a double), but there are a few shots that really impressed me.

I WAS IMPRESSED BY SOMETHING IN A HALLMARK MOVIE.

I guess that’s the bar – when you’ve just seen Hallmark Channel’s Finding Santa, any movie that has decent pace and just a little bit of density within the plot and the characters makes all the difference.  We all know where these movies are going, it’s nice to have something that’s not completely frustrating to look at along the way.

So do I recommend Switched for Christmas?  Not especially, but it’s not particuarly torturous.  For the Hallmark Channel, that’s a fete.

With Love, Christmas (2017) movie review


“Look, I have to pick my kids up. Let’s just combine You’ve Got Mail-“

“You mean Shop Around the Corner?”

“No, I definitely mean You’ve Got Mail. Anyway, let’s just merge that with that advertising plot we use all the time and call it a day.”

And they did.

With Love, Christmas is a buy the numbers romcom with neither surprises more laughs. It’s the bland, take no chances, earn no praise, offend no viewer approach I’ve come to expect from the Hallmark Channel. “Churn ’em out, add them to the rotation, repeat.” It’s the company motto.

But, the movie does have a snow machine, not terrible CGI snow… Which is just another confirmation that the priority is to make a movie with slick production values and absolutely no emphasis on telling an interesting story. With Love, Christmas is cookie cutter Yuletide romance at its worst.

I did like their commercial idea, though. It would have been better if it tied into the plot.

A December Bride (2016) movie review

I can scarcely recall a Christmas movie I dislike as much as A December Bride. It’s not that the flick is poorly constructed but rather the nails-on-chalkboard quality that its dialogue, scenes and very plot envokes.

The movie features all the nuance of a hand grenade while transitioning from moment to moment with the precision of a corning garbage truck. Every phrase insults the very fiber of my being with its obvious nature. I loathe the word program from which this heinous piece of Hallmark Channel filler was spawned.

I am certain that each second of the 84 minute running time has some how furthered the cause of propaganda, racism and Lord Voldemort. A December Bride somehow disrupts the spacetime continuum and will most likely alter reality as we know it if enough people watch the movie.

And by all that, I mean I don’t recommend you watch A December Bride.

Broadcasting Christmas (TV Movie 2016) movie review

Former TV stars in a Hallmark Channel Christmas movie means you know exactly what you’re going to get: decent production values and a bland story.  While not necessarily fundamentally flawed, I can’t give a recommendation for Broadcasting Christmas better than “walk, don’t run.”  My reasons are as follows:

This movie is telegraphed as all hell.  You can see every plot developments coming a mile away.  Other than the initial premise (the plot point that has Melissa Joan Hart playing opposite Dean Cain as former lovers), this movie includes absolutely no surprises.  What’s worse, it doesn’t include enough tension to function as a drama nor enough comedy to work as a comedy.  Hence, this movie exists in this bland In Between (The Upside Down’s boring sibling) where nothing interesting ever happens…

Except the fruitcake story.  That was a nice touch, although it would have worked a lot better in the movie if it tied into the plot or character development in any way at all.  Meaning, it’d be a much stronger element if the fruitcake story was a metaphor for the relationship between Cain and Hart.

It’s not – it’s just a nice story they could insert in almost any Hallmark Channel Christmas movie.

Broadcasting Christmas has an antagonist problem.  As in, they all disappear just when they seem like they may get interesting (the wedding planner) or never do anything much at all (the baseball player).  You COULD argue that they give way to make more room for the central conflict between former lovers, but that includes zero tension, which is why the movie is so flat.

Come to think of it, I feel like a lot of characters disappear in this movie, like Dean Cain’s producer friend. Where’d he go?  I guess he’s still at the old job, but I thought they were friends.   Shouldn’t there be a seen where Cain goes to him with his problems and he gives sage advice?

There isn’t.

The bottom line is Broadcasting Christmas is an extra montage away (and removing the fruitcake story) from crossing the line into absurdity, which I would have welcomed – at least then it would do something.  Instead, it just kind of sits there, like when squirrels are eating a nut and then they stop for second and think, “Did I leave the gas on?”

Come Dance with Me movie review

He’s a big city banker and she’s a… big city dance instructor.  Small towns are great and big cities are stupid, but when these two dance, the sparks will fly in the Hallmark Channel’s COME DANCE WITH ME.  Wait, is he doing an English accent now?  WTF is going on?  Holy Potato Balls, is he still doing it?

So… yeah.  Come Dance With Me is a movie that exists starring Andrew McCarthy (who’s still got it, by the way) because he’s either out of money or bored and features… other actors in a technically sound yet lazily written made for TV Christmas movie because we keep watching them. Read the rest of this entry

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