Blog Archives

Republicans are Master Debaters (Round 5)

bojack-horseman-do-you-get-my-joke

See what I did there?

CNN brought the thirteen (yes, there is still an unwieldy baker’s dozen) Republican Presidential Candidates to Las Vegas last night for the fifth debate in an effort to give Chris Christie an up close view at profitable casinos. Here’s what went down. Read the rest of this entry

The Republican Party’s Southern Strategy or How the GOP Spent 50 Years Paving the Way for Donald Trump

southern-strategy

The Mount Rushmore of the Southern Strategy.

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaay back when, it was the Democrats who were all White Supremacy and “Down with Lincoln!” and so on.  (President Lincoln was a Republican if you’re keeping score at home.)  After World War II, southern Democrats said, “That’s enough of that” and began supporting civil rights.  Well, except sweethearts like George Wallace (LEFT IN ABOVE PHOTO – he’s the guy that famously tried to block school segregation as seen in Forrest Gump, the only history lesson most people ever paid attention to) who went on to run for President as an independent in 1968.  And this, my friend, is when the stage began to be set for Donald Trump’s rise in the polls.  Read the rest of this entry

1 Reason the Republicans are in trouble (GOP Debate)

gop-presidential-primary-2015-fox-news-debate-god

If you watched the Fox News/Facebook GOP Presidential Debate, you heard more of the same:  the GOP believes that the Federal Government has no place in determining the public school curriculum but does want to regulate women’s reproductive health issues. That sort of thing.  Then there’s the Donald Trump/Megyn Kelly stuff… not surprising.  (Clearly, FOX had an agenda in the debate and boy did Trump take the bait!)  But none of this stuff is surprising.  Neither is the Facebook question above – but it is a big problem for the GOP.  I shall explain!  Read the rest of this entry

GOP wants Todd Akin out of Senate Race AND Constitutional Amendment Outlawing Abortion AND international skinny dipping

My bachelor’s degree might say cum laude on it (ladies*), but this doesn’t mean I’m especially intelligent.  I know this** because I don’t understand the GOP trying to yank Todd Akin out of a Senate race for saying stupid things about rape and pregnancy while simultaneously reaffirming their commitment to a Constitutional Amendment that outlaws abortion under any circumstances.  Also, skinny dipping is not a great idea if you’re a member of Congress…  well, they might have a handle on that one.
Read the rest of this entry

4 Republican Candidates For President You Can’t Trust

Every four years, a collection of stiffs will gather to run for president.  This time, the Republican options are  so awful it defies reality; it’s almost like the GOP has done this on purpose.  In no particular order, here are 4 Republican Candidates for President you can’t trust for arbitrary reasons I can’t get passed.

Herman Cain

herman-cain

Hermain Cain: "Herman Cain is running for President!"

Anyone who habitually refers to themselves in the third person is bad news.  Imagine the balls you’d have to possess to walk around saying things like, “[Your name here] enjoys a good breakfast.”  Just say that out loud.  Sounds weird, right?  Now imagine you spoke that way in front of crowds.  Crowds that you were trying to persuade to vote for you.  For President.  Also, 9-9-9 is a terrible tax plan.

Mitt Romney

mitt-romney

Mitt Romny: "Dogs are probably not going to vote for me for President."

I think I’ve already torn into Mitt Romney enough for one election cycle, but I will reiterate this, Gail Collins style:  he strapped a dog crate to the roof of his car, put his dog in the crate and drove from Boston to Canada.

Newt Gingrich

newt-gingrich

Newt Gingrich: "This is Dave. He'll tell you about why I'll make a great President."

Essentially, he’s a lobbyist – I know he says he’s not, but he is – or, at the very least, he puts lobbyists in the same room with politicians…  so he’s like some kind of corruption match maker… funk it, it’s just easier to say he’s a lobbyist.  You know how people make all those lawyer jokes, like “You know what they call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?  A good start.”  Well, you don’t know any lobbyist jokes because they’re depictions of such distasteful, unspeakably graphic evil that people don’t repeat them.

Michelle Bachmann

michelle-bachmann

Michelle Bachmann: "I've won elections before, so there is President that I'll win this one. President."

Sigh.  I could cite Michelle Bachmann quotes all day long, but for today, I’ll just point out that she confused Concord, N.H., with Concord, Mass. in reference to The Battle of Lexington and Concord when she referred to the battle taking place in New Hampshire.  Of course, this also means that she doesn’t know where Lexington is, either, but more to the point, knowing that The Battle of Lexington and Concord took place in Massachusetts is a history question any 9 year old student can probably answer.  Hell, it’s an easier question than how to spell Massachusetts (I always think there is an E before the last S), not to mention the fact that she’s such a stalwart Tea Party favorite.

Also, while many from New Hampshire fought in the American Revolution (famously, the New Hampshire Militia fought alongside the Connecticut, Massachusetts and Rhode Island Militias at the Battle of Bunker Hill – which took place in Massachusetts, by the way), as far as I can tell, no actual battles took place in New Hampshire during the American Revolution.

Because I have no idea when I’ll ever get around to talking about this

Since I’m talking about people I don’t trust, let’s take a quick second to review some photos of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Just look:

president-mahmoud-ahmadinejad

What do all of these photos have in common?  No tie.  The dude never wears a tie!  Come on, dude – you’re the president!  Put on a damn tie!  How can you run shiz if you can’t even tie a Windsor knot?

Take the CreativeJamie.com challenge:

Find a pic of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a tie, contact me and let me know and… I’ll come up with some sort of reward.

OR

Did a battle take place in New Hampshire during the American Revolution?  If so, let me know and… I’ll come up with some sort of reward.

Contact:  creativejamiecom [at] gmail [dot] com

more Lists at creativejamie.com/category/lists/

more Election 2012 at creativejamie.com/category/election-2012/

A Pledge to America or Look, mom! I wrote an essay!

Before I get into “A Pledge to America,” a document not on par in writing skills with most junior high school history texts, I’ll take a brief moment to explain my political affiliations.

Uhm, I don’t really have any.  I don’t belong to any particular party, and, at least on the local level, I have voted for Democrats, Republicans and Independents over the decade plus I’ve been of voter age.  In terms of where I stand on issues, I’ll give you what I think is the best example of my duality:  I believe abortion is wrong, but I don’t believe Roe v Wade should be appealed; I’ve made the choice (or rather, we’ve made the choice; kind of hard for a guy to make the choice on his own!), but I don’t want to make the choice for anyone else.  So, like Chris Rock:  ” I’ve got some shit I’m conservative about, I’ve got some shit I’m liberal about. Crime, I’m conservative. Prostitution, I’m liberal!”  Word.

http://pledge.gop.gov/ I guess this is the foreward (the document itself also has a foreward), but   don’t waste your time – it’s sort of a mission statement for why we wrote a mission statement.  If you’re in a rush, you can take a gander at the Pledge Pocket Card, and presumably print it out and carry it around in your pocket so you can dispense talking points (that don’t really say anything) at will.   You’ll sound like a genius when you say, “The Republicans are

 going to reign in the red tape factory in Washington DC!”  If somebody asks you specifically what red tape and how, just hand them the card and tell them you have to go to the bathroom.  Once you get in your SUV and start the engine, you’re home free!

If you’re ready to do battle, here’s the full document; I know, Adobe’s PDF reader is telling you it’s 48 pages, but don’t get nervous, its really not that many pages of actual reading.  Observe:

  • Page 1 is the cover
  • Page 2 is a picture of the Statue of Liberty.  Seriously.  It’s a good one, too!
  • Page 3 is an interior cover, because obviously, page 1 is an exterior cover, and one cover page will simply not do.  Not for a document of this magnitude.
  • Page 6 simply says ‘Forward.’  The party that’s going to reign in the red tape factory in Washington used an entire page for one word.  Very efficient.  Putting ‘Forward’ on the top of page 7 (and thus making page 7 page 6) would be entirely too efficient and is a perfect metaphor for this entire document.  I’ll refer to these as title pages from here on out.
  • Page 10 is a picture of Mount Rushmore.  I feel very inspired by this.  It’s also thoughtful of them, because I’ve never seen a photograph of Mount Rushmore.  If the Republicans didn’t put it in here, how else would I know what is looks like?
  • Page 11 is a picture of the interior of a butcher shop.  Taped to their counter is a picture of some grazing turkeys…  I think.  Look how the Republicans are supporting small businesses by including this photo in their pledge!  Everybody likes meat, right?  Well, not everybody.
  • Page 12 includes 3 photos: 
    • top:  somebody who I assume is a Republican Congressman at one of those town hall meetings
    • bottom left:  another guy who I assume is a Republican Congressman at one of those town hall meetings, but he’s gesturing to a pie chart (ooo fancy!)
    • bottom right:  some people at a factory or a warehouse that are too well dressed to work there.  Maybe she’s a Congresswoman and she’s listening to a small business owner?  The Republicans care!
  • Page 13 is a table of contents.  Obviously.  Where else were you expecting the table of contents to be?  On page two, after the cover?  Or maybe they could have composited it on top of the Statue of Liberty photo…  no, that would be disrespectful.  But yes, table of contents is on page 13.  That’s just brilliant.
  • Page 14:  you guessed it, more pictures! 
    • Top left:  back of some guy’s head at a lectern
    • top center:  two guys in suits on horses
    • top right:  a guy being filmed as seen on a video camera’s instant preview screen
    • center:  people sitting and standing around a table, kind of invoctes The Last Supper (I like!)
    • bottom:  people waiting to eat and listening at an event called ‘speaking out’ while one guy talks.
  • Page 15:  another title page
  • Page 17:  30% or so of this page is taken up by a graph that says the Stimulus Bill was ineffective at staving off unemployment.  A graph?  Really?   Above the graph is the one sentence you would need to make this point without using a graph, but why not do both?  Some people like to read information, other people like to see the information!  Let’s cover our bases!  Not everybody can read, after all.
  • Page 19 is a photo of a guy on a horse swinging a lasso.  Speaking of a lasso, I’d like to find the folks that approved this monstrosity and have Wonder Woman tie them up and make them tell the truth about why their pledge document sucks so hard.
  • Page 20:  more pictures; 8 in total.  I’m not describing them all, I’m too pissed.  I assume the people that worked on this also work for members of congress, so that means we pay them, too, right?  Damn it!
  • Page 21:  another effing title page
  • Page 25 is a graph illustrating what percentage we spend on federal assistance programs and states that these programs are crowding out private enterprises.  I’m having a hard time telling the difference between the colors for Department of Homeland Security (really, you guys don’t like this one anymore?  wasn’t this the Republican’s idea?) and the color for the Department of the Interior.  And there aren’t any dollar amounts on here, not even estimates.
  • Page 26:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 27:  another effing title page
  • Page 30 is half blank.  Very efficient.  This would have been a good spot for your useless pictures.
  • health care chart boehner
    Obama is also black!

    Page 31 is a chart illustrating the 160 governing bodies of the ‘new health care law.’  Enough with the charts, guys.  I can’t make heads or tales of this, but I guess that’s the point.  I’d like to hear why all of this is bad, but instead, you just gave me a big useless picture that might as well just say, “the new health care law is bad” on it.  That opinion is fine, I just need to know why it’s bad.  Telling us that there are 160 boards, bureaus and commissions is probably a good starting place for your argument, but since that’s the only piece you’re giving me, it doesn’t help much.

  • Page 33:  another effing title page.  Restore trust?  I doubt you guys could auto-restore word docs on my computer after Windows crashes.
  • Page 36 is half blank.  Very efficient.  Again, this would have been a good spot for your useless pictures.
  • Page 37:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 38:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 39:  another effing title page
  • Page 41 is 25% blank. Again, this would have been a good spot for your useless pictures.
  • Page 42:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 43:  another effing title page
  • Page 44:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 46:  MORE.  EFFING.  PICTURES.
  • Page 47:  This page encourages you to speak out.  This page is about 75% blank – you know, like the pledge itself.
  • Page 48:  back cover

SO that’s…  31 pages with little or no content in a 48 page document.  11 pages alone for covers, titles and table of contents.  13 pages with nothing but pictures. 

Take a closer look at the table of contents.  The page itself is labeled as page 11, but it’s actually the 13th page.  Yep, they expect you to print out this bastard son of an actual, coherent document and read it.  Hence, all the page numbers in the table of contents are effed if you read it via adobe PDF viewer.  According to the page numbering, there are only 45 pages, not 48.  OK, so they’re not counting the two covers and… uhm, one other random page.

After all that, I know you must be highly motivated to read this piece of crap.  I’m already exhausted and not willing to recap this flaming pile of nothing; as far as I can tell, the Republicans pledge to America is to cut taxes while reducing spending and reducing the national deficit.  Exactly what they plan to reduce spending on and by how much – well, I wasn’t able to pick that up from the document, but probably health care; they were clear they didn’t like that.  If there was a section on how you reduce debt while also reducing revenue (taxes), I must not have read that page, either.  If anybody finds the answers to these questions, let me know.  I’m also wondering who the cowboy is on page 19… I mean 17.  Whatever.  Maybe it’s W!

As for me, I’m going to vote for the Democrats this fall.  What choice do I have?  The Republicans are CRAZY.  As of this writing, there is a huge picture of Sarah Palin on the GOP website.  We all know she’s not currently holding an office, but I didn’t realize she was even a Republican anymore, or at least, not really.  Isn’t she all about tea bagging these days?  (The First Dude is a HUGE tea bagger.)

My reading comprehension skills tell me that the Republicans have a pledge, all right:  lower taxes and everything the Democrats have done or will propose is wrong.  That’s not a platform.  It’s a quagmire.

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