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You’ve gone incognito.

youve-gone-incognito

(This image has been translated)

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:  the incognito web browser setting has only one purpose.  You know what it is; I don’t need to – well, I guess I did already spell it out for you in the above image.  Anyway, the future sure is exactly what George Lucas promised us in THX 1138.*

*Wow, what an obscure reference to about one second of film from a movie nobody saw.

Star Wars: Episode VII – The Force Awakens parody trailers are already annoying

“Ha, cause, ha, it’s like the Special Edition!”
“Yeah, that was almost twenty years ago.  Let it go.”

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Labyrinth (movie review)

Labyrinth is a 1986 live action children’s fantasy movie that’s sort of a musical, too, but mostly features awkward shots of David Bowie’s package poorly concealed by tights.

It seems to me that the combined efforts of Jim Henson, George Lucas, Jennifer Connelly and David Bowie should yield a much better product, and the movie isn’t terrible, but it could be a lot better. Wikipedia explains that “At least twenty-five treatments and scripts were drafted for Labyrinth between 1983-85, and the film’s shooting script was only ready shortly before filming began.” That’s what it feels like: important folks like Henson, Lucas and Bowie poured a bunch of ideas on the floor and made someone assemble as best they could in short amount of time.

And really, the movie’s not that bad. There’s tons of memorable characters, ideas and images. Read the rest of this entry

Raiders of the Lost Ark – Indiana Jones (movie review)

Raiders of the Lost Ark seems to be the favorite Indiana Jones movie of anyone who’s in their forties or older – if you’re in your thirties, you tend to gravitate toward The Last Crusade, but such is life. I mention this because I myself am a Last Crusade man and therefore don’t worship at the altar of the Lost Ark. That’s not to say I don’t like the movie, but I thought it was worth mentioning that this one isn’t my favorite so you’ll understand where I’m coming from.

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5 things to love/hate about Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (movie review)

I go back on forth on Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom – lots of people love it, lots of people hate it. I used to fall solidly in the latter category, but now, the more times I watch it, the more I get split on the subject. Therefore, I’m prepared to speak on both the good and the bad: here are five things to love and five things to hate about Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
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Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (movie review)

Harrison Ford and Sean Connery. In the same movie. On an adventure. What more could you ask for? Sure, Connery isn’t exactly playing James Bond in this movie, but then, Indiana Jones kinda is James Bond already, so we’re set on that front. Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade has it all.
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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the worst movie in the franchise… (movie review)

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies. A lot of bad movies. But, there are subtle levels of terrible films. In the case of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it’s certainly the worst movie in the franchise, but it’s hardly one of the worst movies ever. It’s not even the most disappointing movie ever. While it is fair to call it a bad movie, the reasons I hear are usually off base. They usually go something like this: Read the rest of this entry

5 Things I Hated About Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace

star-wars-episode-one-the-phantom-menace-3d-movie-posterStar Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace has about concluded its run in theaters during this 3D release and to me, the 3D conversion was useless, but at least it didn’t make the film unwatchable.  Seeing it again in the theater brought back both the good and bad memories of things I remember from the first time I saw it, and since I already covered the good, here are 5 things I hated about Episode I.

5. Why is Darth Maul the biggest thing on the poster?

This leads more to the point of how Episode I is organized as a story.  (Also, it’s kinda strange to make Anakin so small on the poster you can’t see his face as Episode I is the first of three movies about the rise and fall of his character.)  Villains should be interesting, not a blank slate, and when Maul finally does talk, I don’t know what he’s talking about.  “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.  At last we will have our revenge.”  Revenge for what?  I’m not digging into the Expanded Universe novels to find out, so I’ll have to let it go.  Other things Maul says include, “Yes, my master,” and… uhm…  that’s all I remember him saying.

Nice lightsaber, though.

4.  Anakin, Jar Jar, Viceroy Nute Gunray, and more Darth Maul complaints – OR, here are some other characters that annoy me.

I just don’t get why Anakin had to be a kid and if it was essential to the story George Lucas wanted to tell, why’d they hire Jake Lloyd?  Surely somebody on the Star Wars crew saw Jingle All The Way and new how bad he was…  I just don’t get how this happened.  Was Haley Joel Osmet not old enough yet, or not available?  Could they really not find any little kid who could act?

I know, I know, everybody hates Jar Jar.  He doesn’t ruin the movie for me, but I’d rather the movie spent more time developing Darth Maul (or any time) and less of this:  “Ex-squeeze me, but the mosta safest place would be Gunga City!  It’s where I grew up – tis a hidden city!”  You just said ‘it’s’ – what’s with the ’tis?’  Make up your mind!

Viceroy Nute Gunray is the stupidest character in the movie.  Why the hell is he working for Darth Sidious?  What does he stand to gain?  I guess they have some kind of deal under the table, but I don’t get it – Gunray stands to lose everything and gain… I don’t know what.

Darth Maul is the bad guy the protagonists are forced to confront while Darth Sidious is safely hidden in the background, but who the hell is Darth Maul, anyway?  I mean, I can tell he’s evil – he looks like the God Damn Devil and he always has a sneer on his face, so he’s the bad guy, I get it, but who is he?  Where does he come from?  At least I have a vague idea who Sidious/Palpatine is and who Count Dooku is, but Darth Maul is just there. Read the rest of this entry

Star Wars Saga Is Changed Again – This Time For Blu Ray

Ugh, let’s get this over with.

If you’re old enough to remember when the original Star Wars Trilogy was re-released in theaters in the 1990s, then George Lucas mucking with his movies is nothing new to you.  I try to keep in mind that the man himself once said, “Movies aren’t finished, they’re abandoned,” and I can totally understand that sort of mantra, but at some point, it’s time to let go.  From what I’ve been able to find splattered across this here thingy we call the internet, here are all of the changes to the Star Wars saga in all their pointless or horrible glory.

THE PHANTOM MENACE

  • Yoda is digital now… I’m kind of OK with this one – wasn’t a big fan of the puppet’s look in this movie.

A NEW HOPE:

  • They changed the noise Obi-Wan makes when he scares the Sand People away.
  • When R2-D2 is hiding from the Sand People and Obi-Wan takes off his hood and says, “Come here, my little friend,” R2 is hiding behind a lot more rocks than he used to be… and I have no idea how he managed to wheel himself into that position
  • Greedo still shoots first, but they changed the timing again – so it’s almost like they shoot at the same time, but Greedo is the worst shot in the galaxy and has never fired a weapon ever and has no interest in claiming the reward money from Jabba the Hut that he just said he wants so bad – otherwise, he could have shot him before he said, “Going somewhere, Solo?”  Didn’t George Lucas take any basic logic courses in college?

RETURN OF THE JEDI

  • The shot of Jabba’s Palace’s door is different for no reason I understand.
  • Wicket blinks now…  I used to spend a lot of time wondering why the the Ewoks didn’t blink.
  • More Tie fighters show up during the beginning of the battle over Endor when Lando says, “Fighters coming in!”
    • I’m actually OK with this one – in this case, the more then merrier.

And finally, the most horrifying of all:

Darth Vader Yells, “Noooooo!” before throwing the Emperor.

This is fucking garbage.  It just sounds bad…  ugh.  It’s terrible.  Nuff said.

More Movie Reviews at creativejamie.com/category/movie-reviews/

Carrie Fisher doesn’t fuck around

If you want to look bad in front of your boys, get into an argument with Carrie Fisher.  I dare you.  Read about her life – she can conquer anything.  Remember Carrie Fisher in the Blue Brothers?  Exactly.  She brings it, so get a broom – she’s going to dunk on you and break your backboard, Shaq style.

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