Blog Archives

Finding Father Christmas movie review

I can’t find a trailer, but the whole damn movie is all over YouTube.  At least it is for now.

It turns out that the Hallmark Channel has a subcategory for Christmas movies: Christmas mystery movies. The thing is, Finding Father Christmas is completely and totally short on mystery. Shockingly, it does makeup for this with heart. Read the rest of this entry

Wish Upon a Christmas (2015) movie review

A million questions about Wish Upon A Christmas:

Is that the opening theme from Home Alone?

Holy hell, is that kid 38?

Is that a Canon camera product?

What the hell was that explosion? Did a meteor hit the earth or did Santa just crash and die?

Is that the Up In The Air screenplay?

Is that Bad Santa?

Is that Alan Thicke?

Why does no one at this factory know the words Hark The Herald Angels Sing? The humming is kind of terrifying. 

Why are they still making ornaments on December 24th?

Is that the necklace from Men in Black? Or is it a snitch? A silver snitch? I thought they were gold. (Silver Snitch sounds like a specific kind of porn.)

Does the guy running the factory not know how business works? 

Was that kid in the photo the same kid? 

Does this lady run a dinner or a daycare? 

Do you think Alan Thicke wanted to be in this movie?

The factory Christmas party is on Christmas Eve? Because these people don’t have families? 

Is the French martini joke the worst joke ever? 

Did the lady protagonist just say the moral of A Christmas Carol is “greed is good?”

Does this kid just carry the book, the magnifying glass and the sleigh part around with him?

Is this the worst version of”Jingle Bells” ever?

Wow, does this factory not have quality control? The Christmas lights at an ornament factory don’t work? Why do all the ornaments have different pictures of the same dude?

She’s humming now, too? So she joined their cult? 

Did the kid just quote A Christmas Carol? 

What the hell is happening in the photos in this guy’s house? 

Did that kid just invent a bat signal for Santa? 

Was Alan Thicke literally phoning it in? 

Oh wait, so now it’s Christmas Eve? Not yesterday? 

Is that dog someone’s dog?

Is she really canning people on Christmas Eve?

Does “the chocolate ones” mean poop?

Is the factory really called Donner? Like Donner party?

Couldn’t this guy just sell his mansion to save his business? 

So this kid is going to murder everyone and make himself suits out of their skins?

Did that lady find the snitch? Did Gryffindor just win?

Does this lady not know the difference between whistling and humming? 

Does this kid love baseball and American football?

Is Santa on Atkins?

Wait, Santa didn’t need the damn ball after all? 

Is lady protagonist getting her mom’s head in a box for Christmas? 

Why can’t this kid read?!?

Merry Kissmas movie review (2015)

Merry Kissmiss is a 2015 Ion Television debut of the Standard Christmas RomCom variety in the sense that it steals plot points from other movies and invents new, horrible ones of its own.  The difference here is that instead of stealing from a Christmas movie, they stole the opening premise from Serendipity. Let’s discuss. Read the rest of this entry

Journey Back to Christmas movie review (2016)

Journey Back to Christmas is probably the worst made-for-TV Christmas movie of 2016.

There, I said it.  Read the rest of this entry

A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale movie review

The Up Network presents a classic Christmas tale of an over privileged white girl who maxes out her Christmas card and must take a job walking a dog (to the dog park) in order to get herself the extravagant necklace that will  enable her to keep up with her friends.

A Dogwalker’s Christmas Tale is truly a movie for the people. Read the rest of this entry

Holidaze movie review

Gotta get that International Job, right? Just open that Streetsville store and it’s all yours!  “International Job!”  “Streetsville!”  “Melody!” Christmas! Wait, it’s Thanksgiving? I’m sure this movie is going be about Christmas at some point… Although at the start, it’s not even Thanksgiving yet!

Oh, it’s a Thanksgiving movie? It’s a Thanksgiving movie. Oh.  No wait, it’s both? Read the rest of this entry

Christmas 2015 aftermath

image

The presents have been opened. The food has been eaten. The dishwasher is FULL.  Such is Christmas aftermath.
Read the rest of this entry

Christmas Eve checklist


Here are the things I need to have done for Christmas Eve. Read the rest of this entry

Cruz Christmas Classics collapses my colon

image

This offends both Christians and comedy fans by politicizing a high holy day and doing so in such an unfunny manner.
Read the rest of this entry

Which wrapping paper should I use?

This was a difficult decision.

A Very Murray Christmas has heart but no hop

A-Very-Murray-Christmas

It’s not often that one comes across something like A Very Murray Christmas.  It’s not terrible, it’s not great – it’s a disappointment, but I’m not sorry I watched it…  I wouldn’t even call it an oddity of mediocrity, because it’s not necessarily mediocre.  It just kind of… is. Read the rest of this entry

West 50th St is where Christmas lives

saks-fifth-avenue-windows-2015

Walking east on West 50th Street in New York City is a veritable deluge of Christmas.  There is no avoiding it.  Read the rest of this entry

%d bloggers like this: