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Love You Like Christmas (2016) movie review

I know I watched Love You Like Christmas.  I KNOW IT!  My mom was here that day, me and my wife kept saying, “Why is this movie called Love You Like Christmas?  Also, “Love You Like Christmas” is not a thing.”  I know I saw it, I know it happened and I even found the notes I conveniently saved for myself.  But any memory of the actual movie?  POOF.  I’m going to dig up some trailers to refresh my memory on what I guess was so bland and uninteresting that I deleted it from my brain to make space for Switched for Christmas.

JAMIE watches the trailer, suppressed memories come flooding back

Oh right, Love You Like Christmas is the Doc Hollywood knockoff.

Except terrible.

The plot, the protagonist and the mechanic
This movie is a “12 Days of Christmas” sort of bad – in the sense that there are at least twelve things wrong with it.  The protagonist doesn’t have an arc because she doesn’t have to change much.  She’s a likable workaholic who seems neither unhappy or stressed by her job, so there’s nowhere to go.  And speaking of nowhere to go, I know the broken down car is just a plot device to keep her in town until the romance thread takes hold, but it is so badly constructed that you’ll begin to wonder if this guy in coveralls is an actual mechanic.  SPOILER ALERT:  the person that wrote this movie doesn’t know how cars work.

“Hello, stranger.   Will YOU be my mom?”
I know someone always has to have a dead parent in these Hallmark Christmas movies, but this kid is creeping me out – I know she has a mom sized hole in her life, but she’s obsessed.  I’m pretty sure that if Bonnie Somerville doesn’t marry Brennan Elliott, this kid is going to make herself a Bonnie Somerville mannequin (out of Bonnie Somerville) and talk to it, dress it up, hide it in the fruit cellar…

You see where I’m going with this.

“I make restaurant authentic Pakistani restaurant.”
Every time a scene is set in the dinner (which the Somerville’s character suggests switches to a Christmas theme, perhaps the most obvious suggestion in the history of time), I can’t help but think of Babhu.  It’s probably just a coincidence, but it reminds me so much of that episode of Seinfeld.

Here are a few more things I hate about this movie in rapid fire:

  1. “I’m a prescriptive man who belittles your accomplishments.”  Great character, movie.  Just. GREAT.
  2. Really, you’re playing the cell phone card?
  3. Christmas Valley doesn’t seem to be a place where they make salad dressing.  Oh wait, that’s Hidden Valley – my mistake.  Objection withdrawn.
  4. Another single dad – there are SO MANY SINGLE DADS in these movies.   Danica McKellar found one in My Christmas Dream (a movie that SPOILER ALERT: has nothing to do with dreams)
  5. Another thing these movies love is what I’ve come to call city shaming – this woman from Manhattan has never experienced a real Christmas.  Except that she works on Madison Avenue!  That’s Christmas central!  Just for good measure, they should have her work in the Saks building with a view of the tree in Rockefeller Center.
  6. And he’s losing his business.  What a shock. Someone is ALWAYS losing their business in these movies and the protagonist swoops in and saves the day.  ALWAYS.

Anyway, I don’t recommend Love You Like Christmas – it’s boring, which is the worst kind of bad a movie can be.

Holiday Engagement (movie review)

The Hallmark Channel is back at it again with Holiday Engagement. This movie has a plot that’s been recycled through the rom com genre a million times and isn’t even unique to the Christmas rom com sub genre. (Holiday in Handcuffs, anyone? The title’s even similar – and this movie isn’t nearly as insane as it’s predecessor.) Read the rest of this entry

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