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5 Reasons to hate Battlefield Earth movie review

battlefield-earth-reviews

ME:  Remember when I sorta hinted that I was going to review Battlefield Earth?

YOU:  No.  I don’t visit your site nearly as often as you think I do.  Haven’t you noticed your traffic has been static for 3 years?

ME:  …

Anyway, fifteen-ish years after I saw it the first time and hated it, I rewatched Battlefield Earth… and it’s worse than I remember. Read the rest of this entry

Dracula Untold movie review

Way back when I first saw the trailer, I thought both “Do we really need to remake everything?” and “This looks awful” simultaneously.  Now that I’ve seen the film, I’ve upgraded Dracula Untold to “eh” from “meh.”  (If you’re keeping score at home, this means I’m no longer dismissing the film and I’m now recognizing that it exists and is not the worst thing to happen to vampires since Twilight.) 
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Bram Stoker’s Dracula movie review

I love the highly stylized drama that is Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  The amazing performances and directing keep bringing me back to this movie even 20 years later.  So… yeah.  I like this movie.  Read the rest of this entry

One can never “Unwatch” Battlefield Earth

watching-battlefield-earth

“My eyes! The goggles do nothing!”

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The Maze Runner movie review

I’m no young adult genre expert, but I’d say The Maze Runner rides an interesting line between “thoroughly entertaining” and “not making any sense at all.”  It’s an interesting case – the movie works just as well as it fails.  Join me, won’t you, while I try to make sense and celebrate this flick?  Read the rest of this entry

The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring – Extended Edition (movie review)

Now that The Hobbit has wrapped up, we went home and started rewatching The Lord of the Rings and of course started with The Fellowship of the Ring (as per The Battle of Five Armies’ suggestion). Fellowship has always been my favorite (and only the Extended Edition will do), but it also makes it clear how very much The Hobbit movies pale in comparison. But that’s a discussion for another day – today, I’m talkin’ about the One Ring, yo! Read the rest of this entry

Total Recall 2012 (movie review)

Thirty percent of critics gave Total Recall (the 2012 remake) a positive review. That sounds about right.
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Aliens (movie review)

FOX wanted to get a sequel to 1979’s Alien out right away, but it didn’t happen until director/screenplay writer James Cameron got it out there in 1986. It was worth the wait! Read the rest of this entry

Samurai Cop (movie review – so bad it’s good!)

There’s the Worst Movies Ever, there’s Movies So Bad They’re Good, and then there’s Samurai Cop, which may be the action/buddy cop equivalent to drama’s The Room. I know, that’s a bold claim, but this movie has the goods to back it up. Read the rest of this entry

6 points on Escape Plan (movie reviews)

Escape Plan is exactly what it promises: Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger breaking out of prison. It’s at 49% on Rotten Tomatoes, which means about half the critics gave it a negative review while the other segment of critics were more positive on the film. I fall into the latter half, but that doesn’t mean I think Escape Plan is a masterpiece. If you like your action movies to have an 80s vibe to them, I think you’ll find this flick acceptable, but it’s not without problems. Here are 6 points on why Escape Plan is what it is, for better or worse. Read the rest of this entry

The Green Lantern and Cowboys and Aliens movie trailers

Today, I felt like dropping a little trailer jambalaya on ya.

Within a few days, I saw both The Green Lantern and Cowboys and Aliens movie trailers.  After viewing both, I decided I need to get an unbiased opinion; as a comic book reading/movie junkie, my opinion didn’t seem like a fair appraisal, so  I sat my girlfriend down and subjected her to flashing lights, people yelling and explosions.

First, we watched The Green Lantern trailer.  After it was over, I asked her what she made of it, and she was able to gist of what the Green Lantern was all about.  I asked her what she thought about the aliens and she only mentioned “the red guy he got the ring from,” so I put the trailer on again without sound so we could bask in the digital glory.  Each crazy alien member of The Green Lantern Core is crazier looking than the next, so I thought I’d take a minute and explain what the Green Lantern Corps is, which led us to a brief discussion about Green Lantern attire.  I’m not sure if people are going to buy this – I think a of people might see this trailer and think, “This looks stupid,” but nevertheless, the trailer gives you enough tools to make a decision.  It’s a more effective trailer than I thought, though – a non-comic book person could deal with this.

Then we watched the Cowboys and Aliens trailer.  When it finished and I saw that, “What the shiz was that?” look on her face, I immediately concurred:  “I know, right?”  Apparently, we weren’t wrong:  the crowd at a midnight “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1” in Santa Monica thought it was hilarious. I think its fair to say that we were closer to confusion than laughter.  Besides the weird thing on Daniel Craig’s arm, the trailer start’s off promisingly enough, but the rest is just a big genre mash-up that defies logic, or at least doesn’t gives an audience waiting to watch Harry Potter the ability to suspend disbelief.  As the New York Times pointed out, Dreamworks and Company have a lot of marketing work to do before the movie comes out.  I can’t imagine Cowboys and Aliens is as corny as Independence Day was, but then, that title is a step in that direction.  It’s not that I didn’t understand what I was seeing, I just didn’t get it, if you will.

I’d say next summer doesn’t look very promising, but I’d be wrong – we’ve got Captain America coming out!  I know we haven’t gotten any trailer yet, but I’m expecting Marvel to do this right; they haven’t screwed up in a while (unless it’s true they’ve making another Ghost Rider movie), and how hard is it to have Cap run around and punch Nazis/Hydra agents in the face?  The trailer will tell…

Terminator Salvation

Terminator SalvationIt took me forever to get around to this movie, but after Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, can you really blame me?  Before I get into Terminator Salvation, I’ll give you some context on how I feel about the Terminator franchise.

The Terminator is regarded as a classic sci-fi movie, but the more I think about it, the more I tend to drop it into a slasher/horror movie category…  Arnold Schwarzenegger just chases people around the whole movie and kills them… yeah, he pretty much kills everybody accept Sarah ConnorTerminator 2: Judgment Day is, in my mind, the best possible version of The Terminator (minus Lina Hamilton half naked), but otherwise, it’s pretty much the same movie (but flipped on it’s head), but with more character development, better lighting, effects and overall production value.  Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines… this movie just didn’t hold my attention.  The improvements they made from T1 to T2 justified another movie, but T3 is the exact same movie as T2, just crappier with improved effects.  When I heard they were making yet another Terminator movie, I wasn’t exactly turning cartwheels… that is, until I heard Christian Bale was in it in the starring role of John Connor.  Bale has been my boy since Equilibrium (2002 – I know he’d been making movies since he was 14, but I don’t think I’ve ever seen any of the movies he made before 2002), so suddenly, things were looking up.

Ever since I saw T2 as a kid and I got a glimpse of the war between men and machines, Salvation was the movie I wanted to see – this is probably why I was so unhappy with T3… or because the movie sucks.  Much to my surprise, I really enjoyed Salvation, although apparently no one else did.  Roger Ebert said, “After scrutinizing the film, I offer you my summary of the story: Guy dies, finds himself resurrected, meets others, fights. That lasts for almost two hours.”  Not only is that almost the exact same review he gave for T3, but that’s also the most simplistic summary ever… in fact, it barely passes for a summary, because he’s leaving a ton of shiz out.  Here is an actual summary:

Salvation has a lot more to offer than the other Terminator movies; it’s not just people chasing each other, there are interesting characters there.  Unlike T2 and T3, you don’t wait the entire movie to see the Terminators fight each other.  There are characters that actually evolve in this movie… I don’t understand why everyone hated it so much.  I’ve read that people were disappointed it wasn’t rated R like the other movies, but that seems like a stupid reason to dislike a movie – to get the movie down from an R to a PG-13, they removed a guy getting stabbed with a screwdriver and a topless woman.  That’s it.  It’s not like they yanked the core out of the movie or something.  And the movie rewards your patience:  you get this scene at the end.  NICE.

If you’re a casual Terminator fan (I’ve never watched the TV show or anything like that), I think you’ll enjoy Salvation.  If you read the expanded universe fiction, I’m sure there is plenty in here to piss you off.  But people seem to hate this movie, and I’m not sure why.  It doesn’t have the previous movie’s silliness, and it has plenty of action; it’s gritty, the pace moves well and the story rounds out nicely.  People act like the first two were Shakespeare… I just don’t get it.  I don’t know what people wanted, but I liked this movie…  I might be the only one.

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