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Why People Thought The Rapture Was Coming

a-shore-thing-snooki

If you walked into a book store and saw this, what would you think?

In the interest of being thorough, I watched an entire episode of The Jersey Shore, and besides being a complete and total waste of my time, it was immediately obvious that none of the cast members (or whatever you call people on a reality show) were from New Jersey as per their EXTREMELY THICK NEW YORK CITY ACCENTS, but whatever.  Excuse me for expecting a show called “The Jersey Shore” to be populated by people from New Jersey, but I guess that’s presumption on my part – it merely takes place at the Jersey shore.

The fact that a cast member (never mind the one called ‘Snooki’) wrote a book (or more likely, had someone ghost write it for her) isn’t one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse, but it damn well should be.  Nevertheless, no rapture.  Maybe if The Situation hooks up with Ark Music Factory and drops a fresh jam, well… that might push us over the top.

Five Reasons The Rapture Won’t Occur On May 21, 2011

I’ve never been a big fan of end of days theories (or End of Days, for that matter), but this time, I’m sure it’s not going to happen tomorrow, on May 21, 2011. Here are five reasons I’m not worried and why God will let the earth continue to spin:

  1. God wants to see how Celebrity Apprentice ends
  2. God wants to see if the NFL is going to go on strike or not
  3. God has a passing interest in the NBA and NHL finals, but thinks they’re both one round too long
  4. God appreciates how much I want to see the Captain America movie this summer
  5. God is enjoying Conan O’Brien’s new show on TNT and can’t bare the idea of Coco going off the air again

But, if it does happen – well, there you go – I was wrong. I’m spending the day with my girlfriend anyway, and that’s what I’d do if I was a believer, so whatever – except we probably wouldn’t be going to Home Depot if we thought the rapture was coming.

“Ah-ha! The garbage cans are in the outdoor section… Is that Jesus? Oh never mind; it’s Joaquin Phoenix.”

New Years Resolution: Use Common Sense

As 2011 rapidly approaches, lets give a moment to ponder New Years Resolutions.  Sure, it”d be great to get more exercise or volunteer for a charitable cause, but I’d like to make an appeal for everyone to make better use of common sense.  Common sense is super easy to use, and it’s never to late to start using it – meaning, if you catch yourself doing something stupid, you can stop doing it, think for a second, and come up with a smarter way to do it.

Here’s a good example, brought to you by the City of New York:

Now I do feel bad for the geniuses behind this car crushing episode because you know this is going to get somebody fired – this video has been all over the place, and there will be consequences.  But as mentioned – does the city really not have tire chains for snow removal?  And wasn’t there another strategy that would have kept those other cars from getting destroyed?  I know its important to get the streets cleared for emergency vehicles as soon as possible, but let’s use our heads here for a second; don’t you, as a rational person, realize at some point you’re doing something dumb in front of a half dozen witnesses?  It’s the 21st Century – you have to assume that at least one in six people has the capability to film everything you’re doing.  There has to be a second where a thought flashes through your brain:  “Hmm, I’m not going to come out of this looking very competent.”  There’s being bad at your job, and then there’s being bad at your job while a siren is blasting, announcing to anyone within earshot that you’re working and your crushing private property because you, in fact, suck at your job.

So the next time you ride an exit lane until the end and then merge back into traffic or make a big mess in the kitchen at work, stop and think for a second: “If anyone knew I did this, would they think I was a jackass?”  If the answer is yes, then don’t do it, clean it up, and don’t crush private property.

Happy New Year!

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