Category Archives: book reviews
reviews of books
What’s a spoiler alert? Any time you see the spoiler alert image
in one of my posts, you know I’m about to give away crucial information that could ruin the fun for you in some way. Sometimes this is OK; you have no intention of seeing that movie, reading that book or comic book, listening to that album… what have you. But, I do think it’s important that I point it out before I do it.
To see a spoiler alert in action, check out my review of Rambo.
I’d like to start off by saying this sort of thing gets me upset, so be prepared for profanity. I try to keep it clean around here, but I kind of just know when I’m going to lose it. Also, my alternative title was, “Hermione and Professor McGonagall are idiots.” Let’s rock:
As a refresher, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban‘s second act occurs when Buckbeak (a half eagle, half horse) is sentenced to death and apparently killed and Harry’s godfather, Sirius Black (not a great name; J.K. Rowling has PND – that’s Proper Noun Disease) is captured by the Demontors (again, PND), who plan to suck his soul out of his body as punishment for escaping from prison. Sounds fair, right? Oh, and Peter Pettigrew (aka Wormtail – again, PND) escapes – he’s the man who is to blame for revealing Harry’s parent’s secret location to Voldemort, the self-styled Wizard Hitler of the Harry Potter world that killed Harry’s parents. This is resolved when Harry and Hermione use the timeturner necklace to travel backwards through time, save Buckbeak from the executioner, save Harry and Sirius from the Dementors and then save Sirius from his holding cell at Horgwarts Castle.
Got that? They traveled backwards through time to solve the problems.
Maybe it’s not fair to review a book I haven’t read – but I have no intention of reading it ever, so funk dat. Sometimes, you see something at Target that’s so hilarious, you have to stop what you’re doing and appreciate it – or rather, photograph it and then rip it to shreds in this space.
The full title of the book is Defining Twilight: Vocabulary Workbook for Unlocking the SAT, ACT, GED, and SSAT by Brian Leaf, M.A. It’s available at Amazon for $9.99. Title’s a bit of a mouthful, huh?
After reading a bit on what the Twilight series was about (of which I was previously blissfully ignorant), I would be shocked if the same audience that is all about the adventures of Bella and her supernatural boy toys is really concerned about what they get on the SAT, but since they’re literate, probably don’t need to take the GED, and I would guess have little use for the ACT or SSAT. To go further still, there’s an entire ‘defining’ series for all of the Twilight books to aid you in your testing endeavors. After all, who doesn’t dream of learning analogies from vampires and werewolves?
I guess this isn’t so much a review as it is a plea for sanity. Not only can the Twilight fans best known for harassing folks at their local Burger King to join Team Edward or Team Jacob not be bothered to read a real book, but the idea that they’re actually going to study for these tests is hard to believe, never mind buy a book to aid them in the study process. But then, who would? Maybe other franchise audiences would be in the market for such a tool…
I present to you my own pitches for the defining series:
Defining Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. Discover your inner wordiness as Harry helps expand our vocabulary while he watches Dumbledore descend into madness and then get murdered by Snape. (M. Night Shyamalansays raves, “What a twist!”)
Defining The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. Golem quizzes you on your vocabulary skills – if you get one wrong, he throttles you in your sleep. He also asks you riddles. Seriously; that guy loves riddles. They are precious to him.
Defining Star Wars, Episode III: Revenge of the Sith. Remember that part when Anakin murdered all the children? Here are some synonyms for kill: annihilate, assassinate, dispatch, do away with, do in, eradicate, execute, exterminate, liquidate, massacre, murder, neutralize, rub out, slaughter, slay, snuff, waste
If anybody wants to publish these, give me a call and we’ll do it up. After all, if folks can make peripheral money off Twilight study guides, anything is possible.