Jupiter Ascending movie review
For a movie called Jupiter Ascending, there sure are a lot of scenes where Jupiter (played by the talented but miscast Mila Kunis) is falling. That’s a fairly decent metaphor for this movie. Here are three points on this failed attempt to start a franchise.
Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider
I thought the military wanting to use genetically altered dinosaurs in combat from Jurassic World was a dumb plot point, but somehow, Jupiter Ascending is dumber. It’s a rare film that presents a dumb idea (“I have more in common with a dog than I do with a human.”) and then immediately moves on to the next dumb idea (“My mother wrote her future self into her will.”), but this flick has that whole bullshit thing down in spades. About twenty minutes into the flick, you’ll check your pockets, only to remark, “Huh, I’m out – I’m completely out of fucks to give. What will I give now? Shits? Nope, dont’ have any of those left, either… So… I guess… turn this off, play some Mark Kart?“
Wow, you made a choice
There are a lot of underwhelming performances in this flick, but Eddie Redmayne is friggin’ ridiculous. I’m sure he’s performing as he was asked to, but he practically tried to assassinate his career in this flick. He’s so far off in tone from everyone else in the movie that it makes him look totally insane – not the character, the actor. “I CREATE LIFE!!! and i destroy it shush we’re whispering now.” It’s as though he’s in a totally different movie created by a totally different team…
Bless you, Channing Tatum
The only reason I was able to get through this movie was to see if Eddie Redmayne’s head would explode at some point and because Channing Tatum is delightful. That dude just tries, you know? And somehow, even on super science flying roller blades, he never makes a fool of himself. Here’s to the big dog with the big guns for making what should be torture somewhat passable.
What were we expecting? Well, I wasn’t expecting much and yes, the second two Matrix movies were a mess, but this is a straight up disaster. It tries to please many masters (Fantasy, Action, YA, Sci Fi audiences) and fails at EVERY SINGLE TURN. This movie made around $5 million at the box office, so I don’t think we’ll have to sit through another one of these clusterfucks. I might have to revisit this in the future to see if it’s so bad it’s good, and it’s certainly easier to watch than Battlefield Earth, so it fills in that “terrible space opera comes to earth” category for me.
If you want to see ridiculous things and hear people say dumb shiz, check out Jupiter Ascending and watch people humiliate themselves… or don’t. But if you do, stock up on booze first.