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Starbucks + Duane Reade + My Butthole = Jade Helm 16

starbucks-duane-reed

America is great because it’s always permissible to talk out of one’s butthole. But the thing is, the internet has turned a shout into an ear rattling ROAR that everyone can hear, even elected officials.  Yeah, Jade Helm 15 – it’s a thing. A real thing.  It’s a devious plan orchestrated buggy the White House to impose Marshall Law on American Citizens by the armed forces sworn to protect them, and just because they’re Republicans!  It’s TRUE!  So true!  The truest thing that’s ever been true!

truthiness

With all this in mind, I bring you Jade Helm 16 – Marshall Law in New York City!  The facts don’t lie! 

Jade Helm 15 is the liberal United States government’s plan to impose Marshall Law on the southern United States because these citizens of the real America are pro gun and have good Christian morales, which don’t mesh well with Comrade Obama’s socialist hippie ideology derp de derp de derpedy DOO!  The plan is for American Special Forces to use strategically placed WalMart stores that were recently closed under the guise of six months of plumbing repairs (and not at all as retribution against workers organizing to lobby the company for better pay like… Like WalMart did with some of their Canadian stores) which are all connected by underground tunnels. The military well then confiscate the people’s legally, constitutionally protected guns (derp de derp) and then stuff these God-fearing Americans into camps!

Well, Dear Leader Obama has a similar plan for New York City, because if you think that the flood of Starbucks and Duane Reade stores onto the island of Manhattan is just capitalism at work, you better THINK AGAIN, MY FRIEND!

manhattan-map-duane-reade-starbucks

Capitalism or a precursor to Marshall Law?

Starbucks has been catering to liberals FOR YEARS with their non-dairy soy milk option, lattes and cake on a stick.

starbucks-cake-pops

It doesn’t get any more liberal than this.

 

This stuff actually weakens your will and makes you vote for the Democrats.

Meanwhile, Duane Reade is up to the same tricks.  They started selling sushi in their stores last year.  SUSHI!

avocado-roll

This is what tyranny looks like.

Do I have to tell you what sort of people like sushi?  Yeah, not church going, gun owning Christians who are ready to fight Jade Helm 15, thank you very much!  ‘Merica!  And you think all of those WB Mason trucks are lumbering around because they’re delivering office products?  Please.  Puh-lease!  They’re delivering supplies for the special forces and are ready to act as transport for troop and prisoner alike.

I know what you’re thinking – New York City is liberal central and a Chairman Obama stronghold, but that’s just what he wants you to think.  You see, fundamentally, New Yorkers are Americans and since Obama hates America and wasn’t even born here, the city is a target, too.  But it’s more than that.  You know why Manhattan is a target?

Because it’s an island!

Manhattan would make the perfect place for a giant prison populated with political dissidents that will be captured in the Jade Helm 15 operation.  Once operations Jade Helm 15 and 16 are completed, the government will raise a 50 foot wall around the island and either destroy or booby trap all routes on and off.  It all adds up!  There are tunnels connecting every Starbucks, Duane Reade and Original Rays Pizza* in town!

Oh wait… I think what I’ve just described is the setup for Escape From New York.

*Don’t even get me started on Original Rays…

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on May 21, 2015, in Politics and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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