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“Dad Bods” are nothing to be proud of

andy-dwyer

An Open Letter to Men,

Hi guys!  I hope you’re doing well, because as a gender… we keep f@cking up.  It’s the Twenty First Century, but sexism, sexual assault and rape are still running rampant.  Not only does the Congressional Committee on Global Women’s Issues handle five other things, but it only seems to have only one female member.  We can’t even watch a Mad Max reboot without complaining that women have ruined it.  Bros, this is not good.  Maybe if all of these other bits weren’t a thing, we could get away with the “Dad Bods” idea, but seriously, guys, the least we can do is f@cking exercise. 

This knucklehead over at the Washington Post exclaims that he’s sure women like the Dad Bods because in his early twenties, he was cut and firm, but didn’t do well with the ladies.  Now, he has a Dad Bod and he says the ladies love it because it means he’s successful.

A dad bod says I have a job, responsibilities and enough money to nod approvingly when someone says “guacamole is extra.”

See… that’s not what it is.  I’m pretty sure that the young fit version of this guy couldn’t score with chicks because he was a twenty-something that spent a lot of time in the gym.  Have you met these guys?

These dudes ran in hair gel ridden packs that were the very definition of lady repellent.

What’s happening is that adults just aren’t as picky as kids in their twenties, that’s all.  Adult women are not excited that this guy can afford guacamole any more than they are about his A cups.   (One assumes this guy is dating grown ups.  Grown ups can generally afford their own guacamole… Guys, here’s a pro tip:  DO NOT USE “I can afford guacamole” as a selling point!)  All a Dad Bod really says is “I either don’t or didn’t have the time or the discipline to work out either now or at some point in the past.”

And, shockingly enough, a lot of examples of people with Dad Bods don’t have kids.  The Washington Post guy doesn’t seem to have kids – and people keep throwing Seth Rogen out there.  That dude doesn’t have kids and people like him because he’s talented, not because of his man boobs!  (Although effectively used to comedic effect.)

Let me circle back to the Chris Pratt image that kicked off this post.  Pratt has suddenly become one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, and just to be clear, it’s not because he has a Dad Bod.

pratt-guardians-of-the-galaxy-starlord

Pratt shredded the weight (and can now wash your laundry on his midriff) to star in last summer’s runaway hit, Guardians of the Galaxy and Marvel didn’t have him take his shirt off and pose to celebrate a Dad Bod.  Sure, it helps that Pratt is super talented, but Starlord is the super star – not Andy Dwyer.

I, too, have a Dad Bod (due to poor life planning, including but not limited to a crappy diet featuring soda, beer and who the hell knows what else, ignoring injury and flat-out not exercising), despite not having kids, and slowly, the pounds are coming off, but it’s a long road.  See, my belly is a problem, it’s not sex appeal.  My fiancee can love me with or without the belly because that’s not what love is, but my belly is not a selling point.

Let’s not pretend a pile of poop is ice cream, fellas.

mic-drop

“BAM!”

 

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on May 20, 2015, in observations and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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