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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) – an 11 point rambling movie review

Let the rambling begin!

1.  ATTENTION:  Whoopi Goldberg is officially out of money!  Hence, she’s in 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is better than any movie in the Transformers franchise… and that’s about it.  

NOTE:  THIS MOVIE HURT MY BRAIN.  MOST.  INCOHERENT.  REVIEW.  EVER.

2.  I don’t think I could have went into a movie with lower expectations and boy were they justified.  Megan Fox plays April O’Neil and it’s as bad as it sounds.  They’ve got her doing fluff pieces but she wants to be a serious journalist… but you don’t know this character (even if you think you do), so you don’t care.  This is how the movie starts and the first 10 minutes is hell.  Everything that happens at Channel 6 or has something to do with Channel 6 is horrible.  I didn’t buy it for a second.  Will Arnett is funny because he’s Will Arnett, but it still kinda sucks.  William Fichtner’s transition from good guy to bad guy is hilariously telegraphed until they just give up and the movie practically writes “He’s the bad guy!” on the screen.

3. Let’s see, what else?  The turtles look like hell – I know, I’ve been over this before, so moving on. Splinter is sometimes out of character, but at least he’s not scary looking.

4. The movie is too serious – they should have taken a page from Guardians of the Galaxy‘s book.  I think my brain is filling in the blanks when it comes to the story – or maybe the characters.  Ugh, the unrequited love between April and Vernon is so f@cking awkward!

I’ve been generalizing – Let’s talk details:

5. Product placement, thy name is skype!
There’s a lot of product placement in this movie, but the skype stuff is the worst.  That phone conversation early in the film was clearly written to be a phone call and they couldn’t bother to change the dialogue (“How’d you get my number?” – “Do me a favor – lose my number!”) because f@ck you, audience!  One of the skypers is April’s friend…  What happened to April’s friend?  She provided comic relief and then she was gone!

6. The story is annoying, especially the flashbacks.  “We have to be connected – like Transformers!”  If you didn’t like Sam’s grandfather’s glasses, then I’m sure you’ll hate April’s dad’s lab experiment and the fact that she used to feed them pizza in their cages.

7. Michael Bay didn’t direct TMNT, but his fingerprints are all over it – the flick is so violent that I think little kids (the kindergarten crowd) might be scared, but 10 year olds might find it strange that Michelangelo wants to f@ck April.  A lot. Literally.  He’s got a huge turtle boner for her.  It is beyond weird.

8.  The forced levity in the elevator is sooooo stupid! Leo is out of character and it’s the climax of the movie – it just breaks the fragile hold the movie might have on the audience.  You do it for a second to break the tension but when you go on and on like that, you shatter the illusion beyond repair.  It is TERRIBLE.

9.  At least I can tell what’s happening, so it’s an upgrade from Transformers.  That’s the bar now – I can tell which turtle is which and there’s nothing visually confusing when they’re fighting Shredder – it’s a miracle.

10.  Ah, finally getting around to Shredder!  I enjoyed his fight with Splinter, but why is Shredder ten feet tall?  I guess he’s in a giant suit?  If you want to reimagine the Turtles as giant monsters, I guess that’s fine – you can say the mutagen did whatever it did any way you want, but Shredder is just a dude.  I guess once you make the Turtles eight feet tall, you have to make Shredder even bigger so he’s a more formidable bad guy.

11.  The ending to this movie is awful similar to The Amazing Spider-Man.  But to their credit, I found this “bomb’s gonna go off  and oh no, falling spire” thing more entertaining this time around.

The movie isn’t broken, it just kinda sucks because there’s so much awkward crap that doesn’t work together and probably wouldn’t work on its own, either.  It’s like a high F on an essay in high school – so I’m giving 2014’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles a 5 out of 10 and I’m pretty sure I’m being super generous.

Anyway, this movie made over $300 million at the box office, so I’ll see you all here next summer when we have to do this all over again!

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on April 15, 2015, in lists, movie review and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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