4 Crazy Stories From The First Quarter of 2015
It’s a new dawn, and a new day, and the world is feeling crazy – and not just in the “Let’s blow each other up because you worship God slightly differently than I do” sort of way. Today, I bring you the fun version of crazy… well, mostly.
David Ortiz is still annoyed about failing a 2003 PED test… which I don’t understand at all. I guess it’s in his interest to play innocent, but when there’s clear evidence that steroids and their ilk have run rampant through Major League Baseball, it’s kinda silly to shout from the mountaintop like he does every time somebody wants to check his urine. Sure, I’d be mad if somebody came to my house at 7AM and asked for a blood sample too, but I probably wouldn’t write an editorial about it.
An Ohio substitute teacher was found guilty and jailed for 90 days after showing four Spanish classes the first 40 or so minutes (I presume) of The ABC’s of Death, a horror film composed of 26 vignettes, one for each letter of the alphabet. She was specifically found guilty of disseminating harmful matter to juveniles. I haven’t seen the entire movie, but I think it’s safe to say it’s a “hard R” and yeah, I can easily agree that you can’t show that movie to children without some sort of parental consent. I think the problem for Sheila Kearns, 58, who claimed she didn’t prescreen the movie first and chose it because of its Spanish language content, but I think she found herself in the slammer because she didn’t turn it on for one class, watch five minutes and turn it off – she let it run four times. (You have to wonder how word didn’t get around the school and this didn’t get shut down before the fourth time.) She’s certainly guilty, but I’m not sure she needs to spend 90 days in jail… it’s a tough call.
Republican Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois is resigning his seat in Congress… because he’s a moron. You could argue that the House is rife with corruption and everybody does this sort of stuff, but Schock really put it in everybody’s face. He’s like that dude weaving in and out of traffic at 100 mph in a red Mazda Miata with yellow flames painted on the side (yelling, “Track day, bro!” at the top of his lungs) – the cops can’t ignore that, they gotta pull that guy over. Such is the case with Schock’s extensive travel and photos via his Instagram and his Downton Abbey themed office furnished at a reported $40,000, he is very active on Instagram, he always gets Fast Instagram likes whenever he posts a picture. That is awesome. He might as well of had a chauffeured Delorean take him to his office every day.
(Not that people in Congress show up to work every day.)
My favorite story for quarter 1 of 2015 has got to be Craig T. Nelson returning to television as Coach Hayden Fox, this time on NBC because… I dunno, somebody at NBC thinks we really want to watch this show again. I mean, seriously, Coach? We need a sequel series to f@cking Coach? It truly boggles the mind. I guess everybody likes football…
If this what we can expect from the rest of 2015, I am so pumped for the rest of this year!