The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies (movie review)

The trilogy is complete. I bet you still can’t believe they turned The Hobbit into a trilogy – me neither! But here we are, so let’s finish up with The Battle of the Five Armies.

In case you’re fuzzy on the whole Hobbit trilogy thingy, check out my review of An Unexpected Journey, the Mixers and Movie Reviews episode covering An Unexpected Journey and my review of The Desolation of Smaug.

I’m going to spoil the shiz out of this movie, so stop reading now if you haven’t seen the flick. But what I can tell you is that I wasn’t thrilled with The Battle of the Five Armies.

The death of Smaug is the beginning of the death of drama in this movie.
Like many things in this movie, I didn’t find the death of Smaug especially satisfying. I don’t know why, but it lacked gravitas for me. I can’t put my finger on it… but it just didn’t work.

Too. Much. Alfrid.
I know Alfrid is the comic relief and he’s supposed to provide levity in an otherwise “tense” story filled with violence and death, but you dressed him up in drag? Really? If Peter Jackson really wanted to blow my mind, he would have casted Tyler Perry as Meada as Alfrid.

Thorin Oakenshield’s madness is set up, yet still unsatisfying.
They started setting this up in the previous film, but for some reason, it fell flat in this one. And it took WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY to long to develop. That scene in the great hall… it’s just too long.

Mutilate those Orcs, then send them into battle!
Did you notice that the Orcs had a lot of weird mutilation throughout their bodies? like weird metal things imbedded into their skin? It was gross.

Bat setup… no pay off.
What’s the deal with the bats? They didn’t do a damn thing! At least nothing worthy of them being in the movie. Oh, I guess they gave Legolas as fast way up the mountain… For a movie that worked so hard at padding its running time, they could have done something with these bats that was interesting instead of nothing.

Legolas vs Bolg and Thorin Oakenshield vs Azog
See, the problem here is Bolg and Azog are boooooooooooooring. Like, they’re Bo-Lord-of-the-Rings. So I guess the third round between Thorin Oakenshield and Azog was sorta compelling because they had history, but Azog is so booooooooring… Not to be confused with Bolg, his even more boring son, who fights Legolas. For some reason, I really enjoyed their first round in The Desolation of Smaug, but this time, I was just impatiently waiting for Legolas to kill him.

Kili, we hardly knew ye
Fili was developed well enough, but Kili is just one of several underdeveloped dwarfs in The Hobbit trilogy. I’m fairly certain their deaths are under different circumstances in the book, but whatever. The point is, when Kili dies, your brain went, “Which one was that?”

“Go do The Fellowship of the Ring.
Since they spent all that time in An Unexpected Journey tying these movies to the Lord of the Rings trilogy, I shouldn’t be surprised by the unnecessary, “You go meet this guy, they call him Strider,” and what not stuff in this flick. It’s there, it’s unnecessary, that’s life.

Why not shift the confrontation with Sauron to the end of the film?
The most interesting scene in the film was, for me, the White Council’s confrontation with Sauron. Since Sauron is the main bad guy, I think they should have ended the film this way. I’m sure the logic is that Galadriel, Elrond and Saruman are not exactly main characters in the trilogy, but since the filmmakers are so desperate to tie these flicks to the first trilogy, I feel this was the logical climax.

Despite my complaining, I still enjoyed the film. I didn’t love it and don’t have much ambition to see it again, but it’s watchable. I’m giving The Hobbit: The Battle of the Five Armies 6.5 out of 10. Should you pay to see it on the big screen? That’s a tough one. It’s a visual spectacle, so yes – but then, the movie’s not that good, so no.

Sorry, I’ve been no help at all.

About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of, and editor in chief of

Posted on December 29, 2014, in movie review and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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