12 Last Minute Christmas Gifts Available Everywhere That No One Wants

elf-voice-toyThere’s Christmas Gifts and then there’s the stuff that was clearly purchased at whatever store someone passed on their way to give you said gift.  It’s the thought that counts, but that doesn’t mean this stuff isn’t worthless junk.  

We’ll start today with Hallmark‘s Tell the Elf.   I think the idea here is you record your voice and this thing plays it back at a higher speed so you sound like what one presumes an elf would sound like.

Wrong kind of elf.

Anyway, I can’t say for sure how it works or what it’s supposed to do as I couldn’t get the damn thing to work.  Oh Hallmark, can’t you do anything right?

No – the answer is probably no.

While I’m on the subject of Hallmark, let’s move on to the Talking Mistletoe French Stereotype 2000.

talking-mistletoeSee, there’s a kiss called a French Kiss, and you kiss under the mistletoe, so – oy.  You get it.

elf-voice-change-microphoneBecause Hallmark has multiple ways to run the same idea into the ground, there’s also the Merry-okee elf voice changing microphone, but this one has music, so it’s totally different.

Just FYI, Vanilla Ice – I’m never going to let this interview go.

johnny-cash-ring-of-fire-christmas-ornamentNow I generally love these sort of Christmas ornaments – stuff that speaks to things you like, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why this Johnny Cash christmas ornament plays “Ring of Fire.”  Firstly because Cash had plenty of songs that he wrote himself and also it’s NOT A CHRISTMAS SONG.  It’s not like Johnny Cash didn’t make a Christmas album!  This kind of illogical nonsense makes me NUTS!

You know who else made a Christmas album?  Elvis.  So, explain these to me.  Please.


Eh don’t bother.  I’ll just get frustrated.  Nothing says Christmas like “Jailhouse Rock.”


I guarantee anyone who bought this wore it for 10 minutes, put it in the junk drawer and never thought about it again for the rest of their life.


I don’t care how much you love your favorite team – you probably don’t need a set of matching ornaments.  One is fine – a set seems like too much.  At least it is for me.  Also, the Jets are terrible.  Who would want this?

And now, it’s time for the all singing, all dancing crap of the world.

No, no, no – not that crap.  THIS crap.

singing dancing monkey christmassinging dancing reindeer christmas singing dancing santa christmas singing turtle christmas

FULL DISCLOSURE:  My parrot loves these things.  In fairness, he beats the crap out of them, but he does seem to LOVE beating the crap out of them.

Finally, let’s close out with some sacrilege.

peanuts nativity scene

I’m the first one to admit that you don’t want me as your moral barometer.  If you get to the point where I have to tell you that portraying Woodstock as the baby infant Jesus, you’re in trouble.  Strangely, I’ve never heard anyone complain about this.  It doesn’t bother me, but I certainly won’t be manufacturing a CreativeJamie.com nativity scene featuring the dogs as the three kings or something.

OK, that MIGHT happen, but probably not.

About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on December 23, 2014, in christmas blog posts and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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