Deck the Halls (2006) a quick movie review
I don’t know why we keep doing this to ourselves. I guess we keep thinking that the made for TV Christmas movies stink because they’re cheap, but I guess we didn’t learn our lesson when we watched Fred Claus, because this Deck the Halls movie sucks just as much!
I suppose that, in some way, I blamed Fred Claus‘ failings on Vince Vaughn, who I despise, and I figured that Deck the Halls would be better because I like Danny DeVito and Matthew Broderick so much, but going back again to the Fred Claus review, a quality cast does not a good movie make.
The writing… my lord, this movie’s screenplay is one of the worst things to happen to me since the doctor had to check my bone marrow to make sure I didn’t have leukemia. You got this? This movie reminded me of the time some dude stuck a needle into my hip bone and took the fluid out of it. This movie is painfully, shockingly loathsome! It’s heinously anus! The very first scene is Matthew Broderick giving some old lady an eye exam and it sets the tone perfectly for the rest of the film, because the scene is awful! Like eating spaghetti off of a bus terminal floor bathroom with your bare hands awful! And it’s not just that the dialogue is bad; the premise is stupid, too – some guy (Devito) can’t see his house from space using some stupid website? What the shit is that? And why not? I know this is an old movie, but you can see just about EVERYTHING from space – well, not a mail box, but satellite imagery’s only purpose is to look at weather and the surface of the earth, so why can’t it see the surface of the earth over this guy’s god damn house?!? There’s no reason! I know there’s no reason because the movie never gives us a reason!
It’s just a fundamentally flawed movie, that’s all there is to it. The movie has no clear protagonist – it’s like What About Bob? except they’re both crazy, so the movie doesn’t work! I just don’t understand how this happened.
This is one of the most frustrating movies I’ve ever seen and I’ll stop ranting about it – you just have to see it for yourself. I’m giving the atrocity known as Deck the Halls a 3 out of 10 and not a 1 only because the performances are solid, but rest assured, this movie is ass crackers!