Eragon movie review (The Worst Movies Ever)
Before we get into this, I want to make it clear that I’m only reviewing the film Eragon rather than the novel it’s based on. Maybe the novel is great… I have no idea. Today, we’re only concentrating on the film, which is the latest addition to our very own hall of shame, The Worst Movies Ever. Let’s dive in…
Holy hell is Eragon bad. I understand the novel was written by a teenager (but then, so was The Outsiders), and maybe the movie’s problems start with the source material, but since I can’t speak to that, we’ll concentrate on the film itself.
I can’t remember the last time I was so bored watching a movie as I was with Eragon. At least the Percy Jackson movies are kinda baffling in a way that’s fun, and they’re rooted in familiar mythology while also throwing in some likable performances, but this… Eragon… I don’t know what anybody was thinking when they made this movie.
Eragon is, in my opinion, an attempt to retell Star Wars (specifically Episode IV: A New Hope) while putting everything in a Lord of the Rings wrapper. So, besides showing us nothing new –
Fair enough, Dragonheart.
Anyway, besides the fact that the movie doesn’t really have anything new to show us, it’s BORING, so amazingly, shockingly BORING! I don’t know what it is about Eragon , but they might as well rename the flick Ambien, because it makes me want to barf…
Wait… Ambien is for insomnia… you see what this movie does to me?!?
Edward Speleers plays a young farm bay named Eragon who is this movie’s Luke Skywalker – not to mention that “Eragon” sounds a lot like “Aragorn,” one of the primary heroes from Lord of the Rings – and the film’s pre-industrial setting really reinforces the LotR thing. Anyway, this character sucks – he’s boring, predictable and I don’t believe a word of Speleers’s performance. Jeremy Irons is doing the wise old mentor Obi-Won Kenobi thing, which is effective because Jeremy Irons is always awesome, despite the fact that Irons has to constantly dispense endless exposition, which couldn’t have been fun to memorize. Speaking of dispensing exposition, John Malkovich is the movie’s chief bad guy and, for some reason, his performance just doesn’t work for me. I love Malkovich, but he is wildly miscast as an evil, dragon riding king. I know Malkovich can play a bad guy (see Con Air or In the Line of Fire), but here, it’s just not working.
This movie is so boring I can’t even go on recapping it. I’m literally falling asleep just thinking about it. Suffice to say, Star Wars stuff happens, Lord of the Rings stuff happens. Then, the movie ends and you pray to your respective God for granting your release and you move on with your life, never the same again.
Everything in Eragon looks cheap – and I mean everything. Even when people are just standing around talking, things look cheap, fake… I don’t believe anything in this movie. Not the performances (except Jeremy Irons), not the special effects, not the sets, the characters, the dialogue… it’s all garbage. And it’s not even fun on a so bad it’s good kinda way, it’s all just fuckin’ horse shit! I’m not kidding around – this movie is a big pile of ass droppings!
I’ve been trying to come up with a way to express how bad this movie is, and I think I’ve finally got it. You’ve heard of the Scary Movie series, right? There are, what, five of those? And they’re all terrible, yes? Nevertheless, they keep churning those bad boys out. Eragon is so bad that despite the fact that it profited $150 million dollars in its release, they still cancelled the next two sequels even though the end of the first film blatantly teases the next installment. That’s how bad Eragon is. Everybody was like, “Yeah, money is great and all, but let’s at least have a little self respect – a tiny bit of dignity.”
And there it is – watch Eragon at your own risk.