Internet FAILS: Finding a gift

internet-failsEver search for something on the internet and not find it?  That’s bull donkey, right?  It’s the twenty-first century – hurry up and solve my problems, technology!  But no – today on Internet FAILS, I’ll try to find a gift for Dr. Girlfriend and have no luck.My first stop was, but all they had was a bunch of uncommon crap.

uncommongoods-com-birthday-giftsIf this is their money shot (and I lose the term loosely), then I don’t need to see any more.  They lost me at ‘the gratitude of lacking nothing’ necklace.

Pinterest said I should…  uhm… OK, I have no idea what this means.  Still not sure I understand exactly what Pinterest is or who it’s for.’s first suggestion was to check out Uncommon Gifts.  Yeah, next please. recommended a newspaper book full of things that happened on the day you were born, or, as I like to call it,”Here’s a coffee table book.  I know nothing about you at all and have no wish to learn.  Here’s something to flick through when you’re too sick to get off the couch.”  I could also call it ‘How to get intentionally dumped AND hit in the head with a heavy book,’ but let’s try not to encourage violence on what should be a day of celebration.

Yahoo recommends stereotype gifts for your special lady, like jewelry and perfume. does too – “Front-row tickets to her favorite musical. What girl doesn’t like theater?” recommends that you get the professional lady in your life a stapler that looks like someone sitting on a toilet.


Take it away, Q-Bert:


Well said.

NOTE:  other hilarious suggestions I saw included Pretty Woman (a film about a prostitute… who does prostitute stuff because her roommate’s a drug addict and lost all their money – happy birthday!), gardening gloves (“Happy Birthday, Honey!  Now get to work!”), perfume on just about every list (“Happy Birthday, Honey!  Quick, put this shit on, you smell!”), a sponge holder and an anniversary diary – presumably so your woman can keep track of how disappointing you are.

About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of, and editor in chief of

Posted on June 6, 2013, in lists, observations and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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