“Hi, I’m your Facebook Friend, and it’s Awful!”
I’m fairly good at avoiding Facebook. This is an essential part of my life because I’m anti social and loving it. Sure, I’m comfortable with going to restaurants, the movies and what not, but talking to strangers? That would be CRAZY. Also, everyone out there seems to be inferior to Dr. Girlfriend, and I’m just not good with disappointment.
Still, I use Facebook (and other social media) to support the site (“Like CreativeJamie.com on Facebook! Get immediate updates for each new post, site news and more! Like CreativeJamie.com on Facebook!“) and I will look in from time to time to see what my ‘friends’ are posting in the news feed. I need to stop doing that.
There are lots of different kinds of people on Facebook. Here are a few I notice in my news feed:
The Reporter: The Reporter tells you what’s going on in their life and the world. This varies from the extremely obvious (“Crazy what’s going on in Boston!”) to what they had for lunch (and the obligatory picture) or the fact that Futurma is probably going to get cancelled again. (That is weak, by the way.)
The Complainer: Woe to those that complain on Facebook. And I specifically mean the people who put bizarre, one-sided, anti-informational things about their relationship on Facebook. Stuff like, “I’m so over this already.” Yeah, we don’t know what ‘this’ is, so you’re just wasting our time, and yours. Hey, here’s a tip on why your relationship if f-cked*: you’re communicating through Facebook!
“I’m soooooo Witty!” Ugh, these f-cking* guys. Look, we get it – most people in the world just can’t be bothered to do even the slightest bit of reading on a topic before making a stupid comment. But then, these f-cking* guys go all Facebook Rambo on them – and they don’t do it to educate, they do it to show everyone how smart they are. That’s why we have to put up with this kinda crap:
Yeah, yeah, yeah – you’re a genius. You figured out that there were domestic terrorists. Good job. You’re smart, other people are dumb. That’s great. Except… no, you’re not smart. You’re just not completely ignorant, and pointing out how smart you are is just dickish. Your facts aren’t wrong, but you just wrap them up in an asshole wrapper. Debating nonsense on Facebook is the lowest form of discourse – and besides, that’s what bars are for.
And these folks are always dropping surveys on me:
They want to get in some philosophical debate about whether or not the pledge of allegiance is an indoctrination or an essential act of patriotism, and frankly, I could give two sh-ts. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I saw poll that I could give one sh_t less about. Kids can say the Pledge of Allegiance, they can skip it, they can stand there quietly, they can sit and sleep, I COULD GIVE A F-CK LESS WHAT THEY’RE DOING – just make sure they’re learning how to write, how to do math and get them to stop sexting (so p-ssed I know what this word means), and that’ll do. I know people wish Facebook had a ‘don’t like’ option, but I’m hoping for a “I don’t give a f-ck’ link to click.
I was going to close with a 400 word Facebook post from someone in my news feed that explains how they’re so smart and good at debating and people call this person a know it all, and when did intelligence become a liability, and that sort of thing. It’s… well, it’s something, so I decided that I would spare you, dear reader.
ASIDE: As a balding dude (respect the ing!), I often take note of which of my contemporaries still has hair, and this dude does, but it occurs to me that it’s tough to tell when someone has their head that far up their own ass…
The worst part of this entire post is I realize I’ve made the mistake of reading my Facebook news feed before. How does that thing go about fooling me once, shame on you, fool me twice, stop logging into Facebook? Something like that.
*does f-cking count as not cursing? trying to curse less in the posts