Let’s laugh at the History Channel

Everybody knows that the History Channel isn’t big on showing programs of historical significance these days – that’s not news.  But I had no idea how bad it’s gotten.Here is a screen grab of http://www.history.com/schedule – that is, the primary page that The History Channel’s website uses to pimp it’s programming.

history-channel-shows

The shows they’re choosing to promote the loudest are…  well, at best, they don’t seem to be historical in nature.

Ax Men
This show seems to be about loggers – you know, dudes who cut down trees.  Seems like reality TV to me.

Pawn Stars
This delightful play on words (although, I think a TV show called Porn Stars would do more ratings… hint, hint, History Channel!) is just people working in a pawn shop?  Seriously, that’s it?

American Pickers

I think I’ve seen this one – fairly certain that this is a show where two guys go to people’s houses and pick through their shit and then sell the some what valuable junk to collectors.

American Restoration

These dudes work in a shop and restore old stuff to look like new.

Bamazon
I had to look this one up as I couldn’t even hazard a guess… OK, I did have a guess:  Emeril Lagasse opens a food cart on the banks of the Amazon River – BAM!  Sadly, that’s not what this show is about.  Anyway, here is the official summary:  “Check out Bamazon, the new History reality series about eight Alabama natives trying to strike gold in the Amazon jungle.”  Straight up reality TV here.

Cajun Pawn Stars
Presumably the same thing as Pawn Stars, but in Louisiana.  Why not do New York Pawn Stars and only hire retired Mafioso to work at the store.  Then send in fake customers who make below market offers to constantly prompt endless rounds of ‘fo-get-a-bout-it.’  Add a laugh track and you’re done.

I Love The 1880s
Another title joke – this time, VH1’s I Love the 80s feels their wrath!  Like Bamazon, I decided to check the official summary:  “Our cast of comedians will get you hooked on the illicit habits, weird addictions and sexual peccadilloes enjoyed by some of history’s biggest figures.”  At least it sounds like they’re talking about history…  sort of.

Invention USA
I bet you thought this was going to be about famous American inventions, right?  WRONG.  It chronicles two dudes going around looking for new inventions.  FYI:  new is the opposite of history, DAMN IT!

Mankind: The Story of All of Us
Sheesh, that title is akward.  Anyway, it’s just a 12 hour miniseries, not a running show – but, it does seem to be about what the title suggests.

Outback Hunters
This show is about dudes who hunt crocodiles.  Just when we were doing so well with Mankind…

Oh, and guess what’s on tonight?  American Restoration.  That’s it.  Form 7PM to midnight.  Nothing else.

So what have we learned about the History Channel?  Well, the names of shows have to say something about “America” in the title in some way because of the success of American Chopper, I guess – or be some sort of joke or play on words.  And the shows should be realty shows because I guess this format isn’t going away (because writers and actors won’t work for free) and people like it… somewhere…  somebody…  somebody is watching these shows…  I assume.

I remember when the History Channel used to show documentaries and their idea of unorthodox programming was Mail Call, which still taught us about stuff.  But this… I don’t want to watch people hunt crocodiles, sort through junk or sell junk!  Just put on a damn documentary about battle maneuvers during World War II and call it a day!  Oh, and just because it happened yesterday doesn’t make it history!  There’s thousands of years of history to choose from!  Go back to your zooming in slowly on paintings and hilarious recreation battles with voice over narration and show us some FRIGGIN HISTORY!

About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on January 3, 2013, in tv review and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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