5 Frequently Asked Questions About Christmas By Space Aliens

It’s only a matter of time before the space aliens get here, and there is a chance that they could land on earth in America during the Christmas season.  After wandering around for a few days, they will certainly have questions, which may go something like…

#5:  Holy shit, your planet is bright!  (But in a totally inconsistent way that doesn’t make any sense.)

Ah yes, Christmas lights!  It’s one of our most visual of traditions.


And yes, Christmas lights can get a little out of hand…

but its all in good fun.  Our allocation of Christmas lights is uneven because not everybody puts them up and not everybody celebrates this particular holiday.

#4:  Your women keep kissing me whenever I walk into a room.  (I like this planet!)

Ah the mistletoe got ya!  It gets everybody!

Anyway, it’s traditional to hang mistletoe over head and kiss under it for some reason.

#3:  I went in this place called a Catholic Cathedral and there was… uhm… a statue of one of your dead…  which seemed to depict his murder… And everyone was singing to it…

Oh, that’s just Jesus.  He’s the reason for the season!  I know it looks like we’re obsessed with his death, but it’s supposed to be in praise of the honor of his sacrifice…  Yeah, the crucifix is not easy to explain.  But this entire holiday is built around celebrating his birth!  (Don’t worry, we have a holiday built around his death, too!)

#2:  Your entertainment is… interesting.  I saw this thing called Home Alone

This… uhm… you know, when the guy gets hit in the face with the iron… it rather reminds me of the birth of Jesus because…  oh screw it, just watch this:

#1:  what is the deal with that counting song, why won’t people stop singing it and why do they only seem to know the “Five gold rings” part?

All of the gifts in the “12 Days of Christmas” song are supposed to represent something about the relationship between people and God.  We’ve only managed to memorize the “five gold rings” part in the last two hundred plus years because it’s the only truly unique part of the song, it’s probably the only gift in the song anyone would actually want to receive and we’re just not an especially intelligent people.

As I’ve mentioned before, here is what the gifts are supposed to represent:

True Love refers to God
Sorry, I haven’t been able to undercover what significance the partridge has
2 Turtle Doves refers to the Old and New Testaments
3 French Hens refers to Faith, Hope and Charity, the Theological Virtues
4 Calling Birds refers to the Four Gospels and/or the Four Evangelists
5 Golden Rings refers to the first Five Books of the Old Testament, the “Pentateuch”, which gives the history of man’s fall from grace.
6 Geese A-laying refers to the six days of creation
7 Swans A-swimming refers to the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit, the seven sacraments
8 Maids A-milking refers to the eight beatitudes
9 Ladies Dancing refers to the nine Fruits of the Holy Spirit
10 Lords A-leaping refers to the ten commandments
11 Pipers Piping refers to the eleven faithful apostles
12 Drummers Drumming refers to the twelve points of doctrine in the Apostle’s Creed…

Check out more Christmas Posts here!

About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on December 3, 2012, in christmas blog posts and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

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