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52 Sex Tips from Cosmo to help ladies thrill men

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I’m not a magazine reader, but sometimes, when you’re alone at the grocery store, it’s only natural to read dumb shit on magazine covers.  My favorites are the tried and true “please your man in bed” and what not sex tips for ladies – could there be a bigger oxymoron?  This particular cover, which heralds both “52 Sex Tips:  Calling all bedrooms badasses!  Wow your man with these moves inspired by Fifty Shades of Grey.” and “Turn him on from across the room,” not to mention a generous helping of cleavage (which I assume every heterosexual woman loves) is my current champion.

So what the hell is Fifty Shades of Grey?  The good folks at Wikipedia have this to say:

Fifty Shades of Grey is a 2011 erotic novel by British author E. L. James. Set largely in Seattle, it is the first installment in a trilogy that traces the deepening relationship between a college graduate, Anastasia Steele, and a young business magnate, Christian Grey. It is notable for its explicitly erotic scenes featuring elements of sexual practices involving bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism (BDSM).

Whoa.  Didn’t see that coming.  So Cosmo thinks the ladies need to introduce more bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism into the bedroom, huh?  Gotcha.  Well, rather than risk doing some crazy shit, ladies, I’m here to help you out.  I’ve got my own list of “52 Sex Tips That Will Drive Your Man Wild” and none of them will call for you to purchase any props or get pooped on or whatever the hell that stuff listed above calls for.

  1. get in the bed
  2. remove clothing
  3. feign participation
  4. “Try to look as if you’re having a good time. — No, no, no!  Look at me!  Try to act naturally.” – i.e., make noises
  5. up the sex frequency to a minimum of 4 times a month – that alone should make your man’s head explode
  6. feign participation
  7. feign participation
  8. feign participation
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  10. feign participation
  11. feign participation
  12. feign participation
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  50. feign participation
  51. feign participation
  52. feign participation

PREDICTION:  Dr. Girlfriend will tell me that this post is ‘crass.’

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on August 11, 2012, in observations and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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