I Need New Sneakers


“I noticed Malloy wore sneakers… for sneaking.”

Since I don’t wear leather, suede or any of that sort of stuff, I’m looking for something in the canvas/nylon/plastic/synthetic-stuff category, and in truth, I have actually found my holy grail of sneakers.  In fact, I found them a long time ago:  The Benny Breaker by Puma, size 9.5.  Preferably black, but blue or brown will do.  You’d think that in the 21st century, you could just go to a search engine and enter “Puma Benny Breaker 9.5” and find what you want, but you’d be wrong.  You can not.  I have tried many.  Many.  MANY.  TIMES!

Even if you find what you are looking for,  it’s probably not what you really wanted.  I guess sneaker companies make different models of the same shoe, which I think should necessitate a different name, but maybe it doesn’t.  Or maybe it’s just that the internet is a jerk and isn’t clear about different models.  I dunno…  and when I search for an exact shoe by name, get a perfect match and then start reading the description, I’m always surprised when it says it’s suede.  Or leather.  Or something else I don’t want.

Or this:


I’ll be right with you. I have to go take some quaaludes.

They call this a size chart? It’s more like an insanity test!  The farther down you go on the list you go, the harder it gets to read.  I honestly can not make this chart out for more than a few seconds.  Couldn’t they list the men’s sizes and women’s sizes in individual drop down menus, even if they are the same shoe?  I guess not.  This sucks.

When I finally do find the shoe model I want made out of the material I thought it was going to be made out of in the first place, they don’t have my size.  Or it’s green.  Why would someone want green sneakers?  WHAT FUCKING YEAR DOES PUMA THINK IT IS, ANYWAY?  Sure, let me strap on my green sneakers, and while we’re at it, I’ll take a swatch watch, some snap bracelets and two tickets for some stereotypical eighties band.  One of the ridiculous ones.  Like Motley Crue or something.



This really sucks.  I usually love the internet, but sometimes, it really pisses me off.  This is one of those times.

Like on Facebook – especially if you’re a guy.  Dr. Girlfriend never says anything when guys do the ‘like’ thing.


About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of, and editor in chief of

Posted on June 13, 2012, in vegan stuff and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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