Tim Burton Movies Kinda Suck
Over the years, I feel that I’ve been fed this narrative concerning Tim Burton, and what an amazing director he is – he’s so creative, that sort of thing. In my head, I call him “The Guy With The Stereotypical Goth Art Student Look Who Makes Almost Every Movie He Directs Look Like German Expressionism,” because that’s easier than remembering his name is ‘Tim Burton.’
Anyway, I decided I needed to pull up a list of his movies and break this shit down and figure out if he is creative, if his body of work is good or bad, what’s up with that hair and how in the hell did he end up married to Helena Bonham Carter, who I consider to be a Stone Cold Fox.
Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (1985)
I like this movie very much. Pee-wee’s Big Adventure kicks all kinds of ass, but it’s not as though Burton wrote the thing and it’s just a road movie; I don’t find it to be an especially creative film. But it’s fun!
I’m a big Beetlejuice fan and had this on VHS the moment it was available. I’ve seen this movie more times than is healthy, but what can I say? It’s Michael Keaton and Alec Baldwin! Two of my favorites coming together! “Nice fuckin’ model!” The movie has a lot of that patented Burton German Expressionism, but it works – it’s a weird movie and it has a weird look. It’s all good.
This movie changed things – it made comic book movies cool. Even if this movie isn’t especially faithful to the Batman character, Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson act the shit out of it, and Burton does a great job behind the camera – not to mention it being Danny Elfman’s best score. I also had this movie on VHS and the soundtrack on cassette (not the Prince one, the Danny Elfman one – no time for “Batdance” in my preadolescent life), and I ran them both into the ground.
Edward Scissorhands (1990)
I know just about everybody but me loves this movie, but frankly, I think it’s balls. Johnny Depp is good in it, but I find it boring as hell. I just don’t care about any of the characters – except the love interest, I fucking HATE HER! I want Edward to fucking decapitate her! I want him to make that snow he created for her run red! Fill the night air with her screams! Wear her as a suit, Buffalo Bill style!
Batman Returns (1992)
If it wasn’t for Christopher Walken, Michael Keaton, Danny DeVito and Michelle Pfeiffer, this movie would really suck. The story is totally weak, but the acting is fun. It’s got a decent amount of patented Burton German Expressionism – as much as he could wedge into an action movie.
The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
I still haven’t seen this, but it’s on my list. Looks like it’s full of patented Burton German Expressionism!
Wait, he didn’t direct this movie? Or write it? Then why in the hell is his name above the title?!?
Ed Wood (1994)
This movie rocks and all of the performances are awesome, especially Johnny Depp and Martin Landau. I highly recommend it.
Oh, and fuck you, whoever wrote this movie – I like “Indian Love Call,” even if it is kinda racist. Slim Whitman told me to tell you to go screw.
Sleepy Hollow (1999)
This movie didn’t get good reviews, but I’ve always meant to see it.
Planet of the Apes (2001)
I’m a big fan of the original, but holy shit this movie sucks. I think it’s the worst performance I’ve seen Mark Wahlberg give, but more than that, this is one of the most boring action movies I’ve ever seen with an ending that makes the audience go, “What the?” Never a good idea to confuse your audience in the last five minutes and have them walk right out of the movie with the last bit fresh in their mind – the bit that made the least sense of all.
Big Fish (2004)
I had high hopes for this one based on a very well cut trailer, but this movie is kinda boring. It’s watchable, but nothing special. The concept sounded so great, but it just never gets moving.
Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride (2005)
Still didn’t see this, but it’s on my list. It got good notices, but what sorta egotistical asshole put’s his name in the title like this? As soon as you see the title Corpse Bride you just know it’s a Tim Burton movie – I mean shit, it’s not going to be a Robert Zemekis joint.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
I don’t know how one could fuck up Charlie and the Chocolate Factory so badly, but Burton managed it. The original film, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, is a perfectly good movie and didn’t need an update, never mind a shitty one, or an added subplot about Wonka’s weird daddy issues, who is ironically a dentist. I just wasn’t feeling the new Oompa Loompas or their songs… it lacked charm and style.
Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
This got decent reviews, but I skipped it – I’d just seen the play… OK, maybe that was 8 years before this, but I decided I was good on Sweeney Todd.
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
At this point, I don’t need to see another Tim Burton/Johnny Depp “Let’s get together and be cooky!” mash-up, and the reviews were bad, so I stayed away.
Dark Shadows (2012)
Jesus Tap Dancing Christ! I JUST SAID:
I don’t need to see another Tim Burton/Johnny Depp “Let’s get together and be cooky!” mash-up!
Also, the Dark Shadows TV show was a soap opera, not a slap stick comedy! Why change the genre? Can you imagine if Star Trek The Motion Picture had changed the genre from sci-fi to comedy, with Kirk tripping over his chair or some shit?
What the fuck is this shit? I guess we’ll find out in November. Here’s the blurb:
From creative genius Tim Burton
Wait, wait, wait – stop right there. I just went through this dude’s movies and I think creative genius might be a bit of an exaggeration. Basically, the guy takes existing properties and turns them into movies. Let’s count ’em:
- Pee-wee’s Big Adventure (1985)
- Beetlejuice (1988)
- Batman (1989)
- Edward Scissorhands (1990)
- Batman Returns (1992)
- Sleepy Hollow (1999)
- Planet of the Apes (2001)
- Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)
- Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street (2007)
- Alice in Wonderland (2010)
- Dark Shadows (2012)
Here are the movies he’s made that aren’t already famous properties:
- The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
- Ed Wood (1994)
- Mars Attacks! (1996)
- Big Fish (2004)
- Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride (2005)
Creative genius, huh? OK, sorry I cut you off. Continue:
From creative genius Tim Burton comes Frankenweenie, a heartwarming tale about a boy and his dog. After unexpectedly losing his beloved dog Sparky, young Victor harnesses the power of science to bring his best friend back to life-with just a few minor adjustments. He tries to hide his home-sewn creation, but when Sparky gets out, Victor’s fellow students, teachers and the entire town all learn that getting a new “leash on life” can be monstrous. A stop-motion animated film, Frankenweenie will be filmed in black and white and rendered in 3D, which will elevate the classic style to a whole new experience. — (C) Disney
So Disney is releasing a Tim Burton movie about a boy who resurrects his dog. Yeah, by ‘losing,’ you mean the dog died. That’s just great. I can’t wait to see this movie – and by “can’t wait,” I mean I WOULD NEVER, EVER PAY TO WATCH A MOVIE THAT GUARANTEES A DOG WILL DIE IN THE FIRST ACT! What in the hell is Disney thinking?
OK, that’s all the analysis I care to give. The dude’s not especially creative, he just takes stuff that already exists and presents it to you in a way you might not expect… sometimes. That’s not the same as coming up with your own thing, which, granted, he does every once in a while, but usually he’s working with something we already understand. And he’s like “I tweaked it! Look how zany I made [that thing you already know about]!”
That’s bullshit. You suck, Tim Burton.
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