So what’s new in Turtlegate? Much. Too much.
Paramount’s marketing team decided that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a mouthful, so they’ve shortened the title to simply Ninja Turtles. I shit you not. Michael Bay said so. So… they changed the title of the film for marketing reasons? And not because the nature of the revamped origin no longer makes them mutants? No, it’s marketing – because if there’s anything a 25 year old franchise has a problem with, it’s branding. You hear a title like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and think, “That sounds like a dumb movie I would never want to see,” but when you see Ninja Turtles, you think, “FUCKING AWESOME! Where can I purchase tickets?” This whole idea of alien turtles seems like change for the sake of change to me. (or so I thought.) Unconfirmed sources tell me that they were going to re-brand Transformers as Trannies, but Paramount’s standards and practices division wouldn’t approve it for some reason.
Peter Laird, one of the co creaters of TMNT (see, we actually already have a perfectly good shorter version of the name – it’s called an acronym), dropped some comments on his blog:
A few people — who don’t seem to understand that I am no longer in control of the property — want me to stop this, somehow. Obviously, I can’t do that, even if I wanted to.But I would actually encourage TMNT fans to swallow the “chill pill” Mr. Bay recently suggested they take, and wait and see what might come out of this seemingly ill-conceived plan. It’s possible that with enough truly creative brainpower applied to this idea, it might actually work. I’m not saying it’s probable, or even somewhat likely… but it IS possible.However, as I have pondered this further, I have realized that in one way it IS truly a genius notion. Let me explain…Over the years, I have made no secret of my distaste for what I consider to be the weak, facile, creatively bankrupt idea which can be summed up like this:“If FOUR Ninja Turtles are good, then FIVE (or more) Ninja Turtles MUST be better!”
—Anyway, to get back to the “TMNT are aliens” thing — the reason I say it could be a “genius” idea is that — for the first time — someone has come up with a way to have as many freakin’ Turtles as they want. I mean, if the TMNT are actually members of an alien race, there could be a whole PLANET of them!
I reject that idea that the more turtles there are, the merrier – and if your solution to having more than four is to completely revamp the origin, I think it might be time to call your creative writing teacher at the community center and ask for help. Also, each one of the characters follows the four humors, (as pointed out by After Hours), so if you add more turtles… uhm, then what the hell do you do? They’ll end up being copies of the original four… or, you know, Metalhead. Who sucked. Very hard.
Well, maybe Michael Bay will use this song and some of the premises outlined here – it could only help.