Somebody Separate Michael Bay From The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles New Live Action Movie Project Before It’s Too Late!


I’m no fan of Michael Bay; his pictures just don’t do anything for me. Sure, I like it when stuff blows up, but somehow, Bay always finds a way to ruin it for me. I’ve never been a huge Transformers guy, but to say those movies are possibly the worst adaptation of any source material that’s ever been brought to the big screen… well, I think that might be an understatement.

And now, he’s got his hands on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“The turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely loveable.”


Rrr… they’re aliens? I have two questions:

How in the FUCK can they still be turtles if they’re not from earth?

Because galactic travel is not possible, I can’t prove my theory, but I always thought that turtles were indigenous to earth. OK, maybe turtles aren’t indigenous to earth after all… is that what’s going to happen when we finally make contact with an alien race? They’re all going to step out of the space craft and look like my dogs? Or Alec Baldwin? Either way… Well, If I can pick anybody, let’s go with Rashida Jones.

Why in the FUCK do they study ninjutsu?

Even if turtles aren’t indigenous to earth, I’m pretty sure I’ve got Bay this time. It’s hard for me to understand why a fighting art that developed in on specific part of Earth would be common place all over the galaxy… Or maybe the ambassador from the plant Heykidswhowerebornintheeightiesfuckyou will show up on day and present us with a trophy for developing the gold standard in fighting arts – because we obviously are better at hand to hand combat than a race that can travel faster than light.

OK, OK, I might be taking this whole thing a little too seriously, but why does Michael Bay have to break everything he touches? (The dude is like like The Three Stooges in a china shop… ugh, let’s not talk about The Three Stooges movie right now…) And while my interest in Transformers is casual, I was a hardcore Ninja Turtle fan back in the day – that show brought me countless hours of enjoyment (as well as an insane number of B movie references – go back and check out those episode titles, such as Plan 6 From Outer Space), and I have to get TMNT’s back.

Don’t screw with TMNT’s fundamental premise, Michael Bay – please. You’ve taken so much from us already, hurt us so badly so many times before… have mercy on us.


Have mercy.

Uncle Jesse style.

more Turtlegate at

About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of, and editor in chief of

Posted on March 20, 2012, in movie review and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: