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5 Things I Hated About Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace

star-wars-episode-one-the-phantom-menace-3d-movie-posterStar Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace has about concluded its run in theaters during this 3D release and to me, the 3D conversion was useless, but at least it didn’t make the film unwatchable.  Seeing it again in the theater brought back both the good and bad memories of things I remember from the first time I saw it, and since I already covered the good, here are 5 things I hated about Episode I.

5. Why is Darth Maul the biggest thing on the poster?

This leads more to the point of how Episode I is organized as a story.  (Also, it’s kinda strange to make Anakin so small on the poster you can’t see his face as Episode I is the first of three movies about the rise and fall of his character.)  Villains should be interesting, not a blank slate, and when Maul finally does talk, I don’t know what he’s talking about.  “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.  At last we will have our revenge.”  Revenge for what?  I’m not digging into the Expanded Universe novels to find out, so I’ll have to let it go.  Other things Maul says include, “Yes, my master,” and… uhm…  that’s all I remember him saying.

Nice lightsaber, though.

4.  Anakin, Jar Jar, Viceroy Nute Gunray, and more Darth Maul complaints – OR, here are some other characters that annoy me.

I just don’t get why Anakin had to be a kid and if it was essential to the story George Lucas wanted to tell, why’d they hire Jake Lloyd?  Surely somebody on the Star Wars crew saw Jingle All The Way and new how bad he was…  I just don’t get how this happened.  Was Haley Joel Osmet not old enough yet, or not available?  Could they really not find any little kid who could act?

I know, I know, everybody hates Jar Jar.  He doesn’t ruin the movie for me, but I’d rather the movie spent more time developing Darth Maul (or any time) and less of this:  “Ex-squeeze me, but the mosta safest place would be Gunga City!  It’s where I grew up – tis a hidden city!”  You just said ‘it’s’ – what’s with the ’tis?’  Make up your mind!

Viceroy Nute Gunray is the stupidest character in the movie.  Why the hell is he working for Darth Sidious?  What does he stand to gain?  I guess they have some kind of deal under the table, but I don’t get it – Gunray stands to lose everything and gain… I don’t know what.

Darth Maul is the bad guy the protagonists are forced to confront while Darth Sidious is safely hidden in the background, but who the hell is Darth Maul, anyway?  I mean, I can tell he’s evil – he looks like the God Damn Devil and he always has a sneer on his face, so he’s the bad guy, I get it, but who is he?  Where does he come from?  At least I have a vague idea who Sidious/Palpatine is and who Count Dooku is, but Darth Maul is just there.

3.  Dialogue

I could go on and on, but here’s a small sample:

CAPTAIN:  “I think you can kiss your trade franchise goodbye.”

BEED: I don’t care what universe you’re from, that’s gotta hurt.

C-3PO: I beg your pardon, but what do you mean, “naked?”

JAR JAR:  How wude!

ANAKIN:  Now this is pod racing!

PALPATINE:  “I must be frank, your majesty-”
AMADALA:  “As long as I still get to be the queen!  Hi-o!  Ba-doom-crash!”

(OK, I might have modified that last one.)

2.  Almost Everything That Happens On Coruscant

It’s cool to see a new planet in a Star Wars movie, but after an hour or so of crazy stuff happening all the time, the Coruscant scenes show up and lull you to sleep.  For some reason, all of the longer dialogue scenes are all here, right in a row.  Sure, it’s neat to see the faceless Jedi Council (Who are all those dudes?  Look, it’s Yoda!) and the Wookie and E.T. delegates at the senate, but these scenes are pretty snooze worthy.

1.  Lapses in Logic:  “Shield generator’s been hit!”

I’ve decided to just pick this one scene for an exercise in logic – or rather, here’s one example where people say things in this movie that make no sense.

See, the ship is flying away from Naboo and for some reason, even though space is three dimensional and all of the blockade ships are only occupying one area of orbit around the planet, the protagonists choose to fly right through them.

escaped-from-naboo

PILOT: “There’s the blockade! Should I at least TRY to fly around it?” OBI-WAN: “Don’t be a puss. Fly through it!”

While taking heavy fire, the ship is hit.

“Shield generator’s been hit!”

So your shield generator got hit while your shield was up?  That sounds like a pretty shitty shield to me.  I wouldn’t bother fixing it.

“If they can’t get that shield fixed, we’ll be sitting ducks!”

Huh?  OK, so they try to fix it and a bunch of droids head out onto the hull to fix the shield generator that generates the shield that doesn’t protect them.

But the shield generator was working when you got hit and the shield generator was damaged.  So it seems like the shield doesn’t do dittly dick, so how are you less vulnerable now with it working when you were getting hit while it was working?  I mean, if you’re taking direct hits when the damn thing is in perfect working order, how is some shitty patch job done by a droid while they ship is moving – ugh!  You see what I’m saying.  Anyway, R2D2 fixes the shield.

“That little droid did it!  Bypassed the main power drive!  Deflectors up at maximum!”

Great, now the useless shield works.

more Movie Reviews at creativejamie.com/category/movie-reviews/

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on March 11, 2012, in movie review and tagged , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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