Monthly Archives: March 2012

Johnny Depp as Tonto in The Lone Ranger


I really do understand that making movies is a business.  I get that if you make a movie based on a known property, you’re more likely to get a big return on your investment.  I’m with you so far.  What I don’t get is why there is a bird on Johnny Depp’s head or why The Lone Ranger is called “The Lone Ranger.”

“There’s three of you – you’re not exactly ‘lone,’ are you?”

I just don’t know about this.  Who in the hell would want to see a Lone Ranger movie?  The Lone Ranger went off the air in 1957, and it’s not as though the world is screaming for this flick…  I don’t get it.  Well, at least Barry Pepper is in this movie – that guy kicks ass.

The Lone Ranger belongs on vintage lunchboxes – not in theaters.


So what’s new in Turtlegate?  Much.  Too much.



Paramount’s marketing team decided that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a mouthful, so they’ve shortened the title to simply Ninja Turtles.  I shit you not.  Michael Bay said so.  So… they changed the title of the film for marketing reasons?  And not because the nature of the revamped origin no longer makes them mutants?  No, it’s marketing – because if there’s anything a 25 year old franchise has a problem with, it’s branding.  You hear a title like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and think, “That sounds like a dumb movie I would never want to see,” but when you see Ninja Turtles, you think, “FUCKING AWESOME!  Where can I purchase tickets?”  This whole idea of alien turtles seems like change for the sake of change to me.  (or so I thought.) Unconfirmed sources tell me that they were going to re-brand Transformers as Trannies, but Paramount’s standards and practices division wouldn’t approve it for some reason.

Peter Laird, one of the co creaters of TMNT (see, we actually already have a perfectly good shorter version of the name – it’s called an acronym), dropped some comments on his blog:

A few people — who don’t seem to understand that I am no longer in control of the property — want me to stop this, somehow. Obviously, I can’t do that, even if I wanted to.

But I would actually encourage TMNT fans to swallow the “chill pill” Mr. Bay recently suggested they take, and wait and see what might come out of this seemingly ill-conceived plan. It’s possible that with enough truly creative brainpower applied to this idea, it might actually work. I’m not saying it’s probable, or even somewhat likely… but it IS possible.
However, as I have pondered this further, I have realized that in one way it IS truly a genius notion. Let me explain…
Over the years, I have made no secret of my distaste for what I consider to be the weak, facile, creatively bankrupt idea which can be summed up like this:
“If FOUR Ninja Turtles are good, then FIVE (or more) Ninja Turtles MUST be better!”

Anyway, to get back to the “TMNT are aliens” thing — the reason I say it could be a “genius” idea is that — for the first time — someone has come up with a way to have as many freakin’ Turtles as they want. I mean, if the TMNT are actually members of an alien race, there could be a whole PLANET of them!

I reject that idea that the more turtles there are, the merrier – and if your solution to having more than four is to completely revamp the origin, I think it might be time to call your creative writing teacher at the community center and ask for help.  Also, each one of the characters follows the four humors, (as pointed out by After Hours), so if you add more turtles…  uhm, then what the hell do you do?  They’ll end up being copies of the original four…  or, you know, Metalhead.  Who sucked.  Very hard.

Well, maybe Michael Bay will use this song and some of the premises outlined here – it could only help.

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Spring Trees


I’m a big fan of the spring blooms on the trees, but in my neck of the woods, it’s still 50 degrees.  (That was an unfortunate bit of rhyming.)  Yeah, I’m complaining about the weather today, but have pity on me – I seem to have the flu our allergies our something that makes a box of tissues last about a day and a half.

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Tae Kwon Do Bicycles


Just imagine the ramifications of getting hit in the head by a bicycle you who’s honor you offended.  Hardcore.

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Be Kind To Animals

Just a quick video that reminds you to be kind to animals – otherwise THEY’LL EAT YOU!  OK, probably not, but be  nice to them anyway.


I filmed this video with my Samsung Infuse 4G and edited in Adobe Premiere CS 5.5..

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Why Christians Should Be FOR The Affordable Care Act

As the Supreme Court is hearing arguments on whether or not the Affordable Care Act (also known as PPACA) is constitutional in entirety or in part this week, I thought I’d take a moment to tell you a quick story.

A boy was born in the fall of 1980.  Throughout the first year of his life, he faced chronic, seemingly random high fevers, which would soon abate.  Doctors could find no cause.  As the baby grew into a little boy, he began to experience chronic bruising from the slightest touch.  A spinal fluid sample was taken and sent to a New York hospital for analysis and although leukemia was thought to be the what testing would reveal, the doctors were able to settle on a diagnosis of Idiopathic thrombocytopenic purpura (ITP), a bleeding disorder that is caused by the immune system destroying platelets which generally strikes young people at the beginning of adolescence.  A simple treatment of steroids were administered and the disorder went into remission.  Although highly unlikely, the disorder returned in the late 1990s, which was confirmed after a bone marrow sample was taken from the hip and examined.  Several chemo therapy treatments of a drug called WinRho were administered and the disorder again went into remission.  After he turned 19, he was without insurance until he was able to obtain it again  through an employer’s plan.  He was without insurance for over five years.

If you didn’t already figure out this was me, well – it was me.  SSI (Social Security Insurance) paid for all of my medical treatments until I turned 18, which is probably the only thing that kept me alive.  After I turned 19, I met with a social worker who explained to me that SSI just didn’t provide coverage for people in my situation.  “I can’t say that the system is designed to screw college students… but, the system is designed to screw college students.”  Luckily for me, the hospital that treated me had no problem greasing the wheels of their own system – since my disorder was associated with children and therefore treated by pediatricians, they saw no reason to refer me to a different doctor outside of their pediatric oncology clinic, and therefore, they’d just keep ordering CBCs (complete blood cell counts) and sending me a bill for $45, which I was able to scrape together.  My numbers were always good enough, so there was no reason for me to see the doctor and I was able to skate by until I could get insurance through an employer.

Over the last few days, I’ve seen people outside the Supreme Court protesting the Affordable Care Act, many because they object to the idea that the law would require religious institutions, such as Catholic hospitals, to pay for birth control.  This I do NOT understand – why would a Catholic institution employ someone who doesn’t follow Catholic law?  Oh yeah, it’s because nearly all Catholic women either do or have at some point used birth control – that’s probably why.  Anyway, you folks can FUCK OFF.  There are lots of kids who can’t get SSI because of their parent’s financial status but are not able to be covered by their parent’s insurance due to their pre existing conditions because current insurance regulations are bullshit.  This is just one example – there are so many people who slip through the cracks, and how these people can not care about these people, I don’t get – the fact that these folks call themselves Christians but seemed to miss the part of the Jesus story where he goes around healing the sick makes me want to smack you idiots upside the head!  It’s not the government’s fault that Catholics don’t follow their own rules – if they did, than this wouldn’t be an issue because no Catholics would want birth control in the first place.

So if you get a chance, try not to just be Christian, but be Christ-like.   [source]

Instead of being assholes.

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Hulk SMASH Rates On Bail Bonds


I love driving passed this.  The Hulk can smash you out of any situation – including high bail bond rates.

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Mannequin Wearing Lipstick


I don’t care where you’re from, a mannequin wearing lipstick and no other facial features is creepy as hell.

Andrew McCarthy wouldn’t hit that.

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Batman Fatigue Syndrome! [Video]


Look how fatigued! Look!

If you’re like me (and I pray that you are NOT), then you LOVE Batman but HATE Batman comic books.  How did this happen?  The answers lie here!

There’s just too many Batman comic books for me to absorb, so I just gave up – if you can handle the wave of Bat Books, then you’re a bigger person than I am…  odds are, you’re a bigger person than I am, anyway.

DISCLAIMER: claims no ownership of Batman, Batman characters, video or audio clips from Batman movies or TV shows.


This was filmed using a Canon VIXIA HF M300 and edited in Adobe Premiere CS 5.5.   I ended up with a ton of room noise when using the camera mic, so I had my boy scrub up the audio as best he could – it’s a bad recording, so there was only so much he could do.  I did the over dub narration with a shotgun condenser mic because my SM 58 is apparently broken, but it seemed to work out fine.

There’s a quick behind the scenes video here if you want to see my pathetic attempts at lighting.

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Our Idiot Brother movie review

SCORE: 3.3 out of 5


Is that dog photoshopped in?

Paul Rudd is one of those actors that can do his thing in any movie and I’ll clap. I guess that’s what people mean when they say someone is likable; I just like watching him act. So, if you don’t feel that way about Rudd and the cavalcade of costars (Elizabeth Banks, Adam Scott, Rashida Jones, Zooey Deschanel, Emily Mortimer, Steve Coogan), then you might want to steer clear of Our Idiot Brother.

It’s not to say that this movie doesn’t have any redeemable or enjoyable qualities, but frankly, the characters are idiots – perhaps with the exception of the titular character. Paul Rudd doesn’t play an idiot but instead an optimistic, honest and uncompromising character who, to drop a cliche, marches to the beat of his own drummer. Now none of these characters are children; they know exactly who Rudd’s character is and how he lives his life, so it turns out that it’s his sisters that are the idiots for giving him information that could blow up in their faces! What a twist! I just don’t understand how so many characters can make such easily avoidable mistakes or how other characters can have no motivation to back up their behavior (Paul Rudd’s ex-girlfriend) or how other character’s plot threads can be so easily forgotten and never followed up on (Steve Coogan and Hugh Dancy).

Still, the movie has plenty of jokes and excellent performances – not to mention a never ending parade of my favorite talent, beautiful women (Rashida Jones, Zooey Deschanel, Elizabeth Banks) and Emily Mortimer, who is beautiful in her own right, but even in a more serious role, I can’t help but think of her on 30 Rock. (“Careful… my bones!”)

If you’re up for a few laughs, Our Idiot Brother is worth a look. Besides, this movie has a dog! A golden retriever, no less! They could have worked the dog into the movie more, but I guess I can’t have things my way all the time.

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Michael Bay Tells Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fans To "Chill"


Michael Bay suggested Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans take a chill pill.

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.


Huh. So Michael Bay and his team are hanging out with with either Kevin Eastman or Peter Laird and somehow, words don’t mean the same thing they did the day before. See, “expand and give a more complex back story” doesn’t meant the same thing as “We’re changing the origin because TMNT canon doesn’t have any opportunities for explosions at the beginning of the story and we’re setting up a series of movies and want to tell the origin at the beginning and when you’re making an action movie, something has to explode in the first scene – like a spaceship crashing! That would be awesome. Also, if their aliens, this makes them more like Transformers, which made a ton of money at the box office despite being terrible movies. THREE. FUCKING. TIMES.” I guess that doesn’t sound as nice as “We are just building a richer world,” but it’s certainly different then “Look, I don’t want to make a movie about a bunch of little turtles who were subjected to some chemicals and grew into mutant humanoid lifeforms.”

If Bay wants to make a movie about green guys from space who kick ass and have some nostalgic value, why not just make a Battletoads movie? I guess that dude just has too much contempt for his audience.

Hence Transformers.

I’m more than a little surprised Bay issued any kind of statement – I thought he’d just ignore all of the internet’s angry prattle. Instead, he went with the “Shut the hell up, I got this,” strategy, which I don’t think was a great move on his part. Still, he’s right – as is the case with nearly every movie ever made, I have NOT read the script and have no plans to. Still, I don’t really need to read it to know that if you changed the protagonists from sewer dwelling mutant turtles to space aliens, I don’t really need to read the script to tell you you’ve gone far afield from the source material.

In the end, maybe Bay will apologize by quoting Optimus Prime’s line from the first Transformers movie: “My bad.”

more Turtlegate at

Somebody Separate Michael Bay From The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles New Live Action Movie Project Before It’s Too Late!


I’m no fan of Michael Bay; his pictures just don’t do anything for me. Sure, I like it when stuff blows up, but somehow, Bay always finds a way to ruin it for me. I’ve never been a huge Transformers guy, but to say those movies are possibly the worst adaptation of any source material that’s ever been brought to the big screen… well, I think that might be an understatement.

And now, he’s got his hands on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“The turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely loveable.”


Rrr… they’re aliens? I have two questions:

How in the FUCK can they still be turtles if they’re not from earth?

Because galactic travel is not possible, I can’t prove my theory, but I always thought that turtles were indigenous to earth. OK, maybe turtles aren’t indigenous to earth after all… is that what’s going to happen when we finally make contact with an alien race? They’re all going to step out of the space craft and look like my dogs? Or Alec Baldwin? Either way… Well, If I can pick anybody, let’s go with Rashida Jones.

Why in the FUCK do they study ninjutsu?

Even if turtles aren’t indigenous to earth, I’m pretty sure I’ve got Bay this time. It’s hard for me to understand why a fighting art that developed in on specific part of Earth would be common place all over the galaxy… Or maybe the ambassador from the plant Heykidswhowerebornintheeightiesfuckyou will show up on day and present us with a trophy for developing the gold standard in fighting arts – because we obviously are better at hand to hand combat than a race that can travel faster than light.

OK, OK, I might be taking this whole thing a little too seriously, but why does Michael Bay have to break everything he touches? (The dude is like like The Three Stooges in a china shop… ugh, let’s not talk about The Three Stooges movie right now…) And while my interest in Transformers is casual, I was a hardcore Ninja Turtle fan back in the day – that show brought me countless hours of enjoyment (as well as an insane number of B movie references – go back and check out those episode titles, such as Plan 6 From Outer Space), and I have to get TMNT’s back.

Don’t screw with TMNT’s fundamental premise, Michael Bay – please. You’ve taken so much from us already, hurt us so badly so many times before… have mercy on us.


Have mercy.

Uncle Jesse style.

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