4 Republican Candidates For President You Can’t Trust

Every four years, a collection of stiffs will gather to run for president.  This time, the Republican options are  so awful it defies reality; it’s almost like the GOP has done this on purpose.  In no particular order, here are 4 Republican Candidates for President you can’t trust for arbitrary reasons I can’t get passed.

Herman Cain

herman-cain

Hermain Cain: "Herman Cain is running for President!"

Anyone who habitually refers to themselves in the third person is bad news.  Imagine the balls you’d have to possess to walk around saying things like, “[Your name here] enjoys a good breakfast.”  Just say that out loud.  Sounds weird, right?  Now imagine you spoke that way in front of crowds.  Crowds that you were trying to persuade to vote for you.  For President.  Also, 9-9-9 is a terrible tax plan.

Mitt Romney

mitt-romney

Mitt Romny: "Dogs are probably not going to vote for me for President."

I think I’ve already torn into Mitt Romney enough for one election cycle, but I will reiterate this, Gail Collins style:  he strapped a dog crate to the roof of his car, put his dog in the crate and drove from Boston to Canada.

Newt Gingrich

newt-gingrich

Newt Gingrich: "This is Dave. He'll tell you about why I'll make a great President."

Essentially, he’s a lobbyist – I know he says he’s not, but he is – or, at the very least, he puts lobbyists in the same room with politicians…  so he’s like some kind of corruption match maker… funk it, it’s just easier to say he’s a lobbyist.  You know how people make all those lawyer jokes, like “You know what they call a thousand lawyers chained together at the bottom of the ocean?  A good start.”  Well, you don’t know any lobbyist jokes because they’re depictions of such distasteful, unspeakably graphic evil that people don’t repeat them.

Michelle Bachmann

michelle-bachmann

Michelle Bachmann: "I've won elections before, so there is President that I'll win this one. President."

Sigh.  I could cite Michelle Bachmann quotes all day long, but for today, I’ll just point out that she confused Concord, N.H., with Concord, Mass. in reference to The Battle of Lexington and Concord when she referred to the battle taking place in New Hampshire.  Of course, this also means that she doesn’t know where Lexington is, either, but more to the point, knowing that The Battle of Lexington and Concord took place in Massachusetts is a history question any 9 year old student can probably answer.  Hell, it’s an easier question than how to spell Massachusetts (I always think there is an E before the last S), not to mention the fact that she’s such a stalwart Tea Party favorite.

Also, while many from New Hampshire fought in the American Revolution (famously, the New Hampshire Militia fought alongside the Connecticut, Massachusetts and Rhode Island Militias at the Battle of Bunker Hill – which took place in Massachusetts, by the way), as far as I can tell, no actual battles took place in New Hampshire during the American Revolution.

Because I have no idea when I’ll ever get around to talking about this

Since I’m talking about people I don’t trust, let’s take a quick second to review some photos of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Just look:

president-mahmoud-ahmadinejad

What do all of these photos have in common?  No tie.  The dude never wears a tie!  Come on, dude – you’re the president!  Put on a damn tie!  How can you run shiz if you can’t even tie a Windsor knot?

Take the CreativeJamie.com challenge:

Find a pic of President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in a tie, contact me and let me know and… I’ll come up with some sort of reward.

OR

Did a battle take place in New Hampshire during the American Revolution?  If so, let me know and… I’ll come up with some sort of reward.

Contact:  creativejamiecom [at] gmail [dot] com

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on December 3, 2011, in election 2012, lists and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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