5 Things You Do In Your Car To Let People Know You’re A Selfish Asshole

Because why let people speculate when you can prove it?doing makeup while driving

I’ve complained about Road Rage before, but today I spent a few minutes thinking about what specifically makes me angry while I’m in the car.  In no particular order, I give you 5 Things You Do In Your Car To Let People Know You’re A Selfish Asshole.

Adjusting Your Appearance
I know, I know… you were running late.  Got to comb that hair, smear on that makeup, apply more chap stick.  We’ve got to look our best, damn it!  I’m not just casting stones at the ladies; I see plenty of men working on their pho-hawks and what not while they’re driving.  Jeez, can’t you at least wait till you get to a red light?  I’m all about enerfficiency (a word I made up for a writing class assignment in college that combines energy and efficiency – to move in a way that accomplishes that most tasks possible during said movements), but lets not kill ourselves – or others, for that matter.

Driving Aggressively
Speeding isn’t a great thing to do, but if you must speed on the highway, it’s not really that big a deal:  get in the left lane and stay there.  Sure, you pass me going to so fast my car shakes, but whatever, I can deal with that.  But you other folks who are speeding and weaving from lane to lane (I love it when they signal – you’re doing 90 MPH, does it really matter?  By the time I see your signal, we’re both already dead!) in your endless quest to get to the end zone or whatever other weird fantasy you have playing out in your mind that allows your moral compass to put us all in mortal danger.

Talking On Your Cell Phone Without A Hands Free Device
I see everybody doing it:  men, women, cops…  everybody.  Then I look and see that there are children in the car.  That’s just fucking great.  So you’re putting us all in danger, setting a great example for the kids and you’re probably talking about bullshit anyway (“The Giants SUCK!”  “She’s such a BITCH!”  “Seriously, Deadliest Catch is AWESOME!”) that it makes the risk involved that much more ridiculous.

Riding An Exit Only Lane Until Right Before the Exit And Then Merging Back Into Traffic
I don’t think there is a better way to let other drivers know that you think that you’re more important than they are than riding the exit lane until the last possible second and than swooping back into traffic.  This tends to be what causes the traffic that self important assholes are trying to avoid in the first place – or the accident they cause when they merge back onto the highway without looking.  These drivers are that important – you should be looking out for THEM!

Blocking Traffic After A Minor Fender Bender
In fact, in 9 out of 10 fender bender accidents I see, the fenders aren’t even bent!  I’m really sorry somebody put a six inch scratch in your bumper, but let it go – and that’s why they call them bumpers.  It’s not that big of a deal.  Trade insurance information and be done with it, but for the love of all that’s decent and sane, get out of the damn street while you do it!  I love when people just stay on the highway, standing in between their two cars, talking on cell phones (not to each other) just waiting for some other careless driver to ram into the back of the car and crush the other two drivers between their cars – now you’ve got a whole other set of problems.  Better hope your teens didn’t steal the rest of the Percasets out of the medicine cabinet.

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About Jamie Insalaco

Jamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com

Posted on January 2, 2011, in lists, observations and tagged . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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