Walter Bond: Vegan Knucklehead
I’m a vegan, meaning I abstain from eating animal products, wearing leather, stuff like that. Turns out, I’m a big fan of animals, and as a personal choice, I’ve decided to hang out with them rather than eat them. That’s my call; again, it’s a personal choice, and I’m not interested in preaching, protesting or PETA. (PETA – I’m sure you folks do good work, but frankly, I’m not paying attention.) I respect the folks that do work to make the world safer for animals, but I’m not handling any of the in-your-face portion of the vegan world load.
But when one of your non-vegan friends sends you a link about a knucklehead like Walter Bond (Walter – I’m sure you’re just misguided. Please don’t blow me up.), it just ruins your whole day and you have to say something. I’ve been a vegetarian for long enough to know that people who aren’t look at people who are differently, and I’ve been vegan long enough to know that people who are vegetarian look at people who are vegan and say, “Whoa. That’s pretty extreme.” I’m not saying anybody who thinks that way is wrong, but I’m not in a cult, I don’t throw red paint on people wearing fur (unless they ask me to, and then I purchase only the finest fire-engine-red with a satin finish), and I certainly don’t blow shit up.
I don’t want to be lumped in with this guy because we observe the same diet. One look at his photo lets you know immediately why he’s the “Lone Wolf;” can you think of anybody you know that has a tattoo on their FACE? Mike Tyson was the first name that jumped to my mind, and I think we can all agree he’s not exactly a model citizen. (Mike Tyson – I saw your commercial for CenterStage, and you still look huge. Please don’t kick my ass. I’m sure Robin Givens just fell down some stairs…) And those are the worst eyeglass frames ever. He looks like Janine Melnitz in Ghostbusters.
I believe in Animal Rights. I believe animals deserve our respect, and in the case of animals we’ve spent hundreds (or thousands) of years domesticating, they deserve our care. If you want to have lunch at McDonalds, that’s your choice, but good luck convincing me that the Angus Snack Wrap doesn’t look like dog poo wrapped in construction paper.
All Christians don’t want to be grouped together with the crazy guy who shot a guy in church. All Muslims don’t want to be lumped in with the 9/11 terrorists. To a lesser extent, all Vegans don’t want to be lumped in with Mr. Neck Tattoo here. Blowing up stuff or killing people has never been a good way to make a point. It didn’t work for the KKK, it didn’t work for the British when they burned down the White House during the War of 1812, and it didn’t even work for Hitler, and he blew up tons of stuff and had tons of people murdered, so if you were thinking that it’s all relative to the amount of damage you do, well, I got ya there – unless your goal is to end up dead in a ditch covered in petrol and on fire during your honeymoon. So instead, let’s try talking out our differences, preferably over some beer and fries – and that’s vegan, folks.
And unless absolutely necessary, don’t tattoo your face.