Fortune Cookie writers are over paid
Posted by Jamie Insalaco
How much do you think the average fortune cookie writer makes? I’m inclined to think that whatever the answer is, it’s too much. I arrived at this conclusion today when I was cleaning up my desk at the office and found a bunch of old fortunes from Chinese meals past; I was apparently saving these so I’d have something to read at the Apocalypse, as I’d presumably be stuck at the office when it struck, where I waste most of my pathetically anal life.
But back to business. Here’s a sampling of the fortunes I found:
Thanks for telling me something about myself. I guess you didn’t read your job description very closely: you’re supposed to tell me something that’s going to happen to me – hence, a ‘fortune.’
Nice come back, asshole. But at least one of my lucky numbers is 33, that’s something… what, I don’t know, but something.
Really, stumble? What happened to my magnetic personality? I thought you were going to kiss my ass, not tell me I’m a jerk. Do I fall ass-backwards into money, like Kramer?
Uhm, OK. Could you be a bit more vague, though? Am I going on vacation? Possibly to Florida? Southern California? Mexico? Pretty much anywhere it’s currently summer?!? Or is it a metaphorical sunshine? Or am I going to Mr. Wonka’s chocolate factory?
Sure, I guess that’s true. I think this is more in the vein of general wisdom rather than fortune telling… but, lucky for me, my numbers are 50, 1, 41, 20, 21 and 39. But please note, they’re not my lucky numbers. So, assume I go in a tall building and get off at the 21st floor and boom! I get shot by a disgruntled ex employee who stalks from office to office, pumping round after round of hot lead into his co workers… maybe that’s what going to happen. But don’t ask me; I’m not a cookie.
OK, let me see if I’m following you… if I’m already lucky AND I have good judgment, I’m in good shape? Then I probably didn’t need you to tell me that, huh?
Now that’s a fortune. But I ask you: if you tell me I’m going to have some new clothes and then I go out and buy some, are you right? Or did you influence me to help stimulate the economy by buying a new pair of shorts at Target? I guess I’ll never know.
Maybe this topic didn’t deserve the attention I gave it, but there we are. And I still find it strange that so many fortune cookies don’t contain actual fortunes. How hard is it to word something so it sounds like something that could happen in the future? Let’s give it a try:
- You will be bitten by a badger.
- Your favorite aunt will develop an allergy to avocado.
- You’ll be in the airport at the same time as George Clooney, but won’t see him and won’t find out about it until waaaaaaaay afterward
See? It’s easy as hell. Oh wait, I forgot:
- 21, 65, 87, 65, 78, 5
Why is it always six numbers? Sigh… there’s so much I don’t know about gambling. Maybe Manuel from Call of the Wild knows…
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About Jamie InsalacoJamie Insalaco is the author of CreativeJamie.com, BomberBanter.com and editor in chief of ComicBookClog.com
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