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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the worst movie in the franchise… (movie review)

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies. A lot of bad movies. But, there are subtle levels of terrible films. In the case of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it’s certainly the worst movie in the franchise, but it’s hardly one of the worst movies ever. It’s not even the most disappointing movie ever. While it is fair to call it a bad movie, the reasons I hear are usually off base. They usually go something like this: Read the rest of this entry

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Eragon movie review (The Worst Movies Ever)


Before we get into this, I want to make it clear that I’m only reviewing the film Eragon rather than the novel it’s based on. Maybe the novel is great… I have no idea. Today, we’re only concentrating on the film, which is the latest addition to our very own hall of shame, The Worst Movies Ever. Let’s dive in… Read the rest of this entry

Selling Jesus Door to Door

I live in a neighborhood with a lot of churches and I guess three competition is fierce for patronage in a world with dwindling church attendance.  Some guy dropped this off:

image

Wow, Jesus looks great!  Looks like he just got a hair cut and his beard trimmed!  In fact, I think I know where the artist got his inspiration from…

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Yep, it seems to be Mark from The RoomHow the hell did that happen?

Speaking of hell, this is just one more post that probably confirms my final destination.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (The Worst Movies Ever)

birdemic-shock-and-terrorI teased the Birdemic review a few days ago, so here it is, as promised.  (Or threatened.)

In an attempt to remake The Birds with a bunch of quasi environmental and political messages, we get Birdemic:  Shock and Terror, a film that’s so bad, it gets honorary placement on our The Worst Movies Ever list.  Welcome, Birdemic! Read the rest of this entry

Suburban Commando – The Worst Movies Ever

suburban-commando

"Just pull the trigger! Do it! I deserve it!"

In 1991, I was in fifth grade.  As you may recall, it’s a strange, yet wonderful time in your life.  My social environment was fairly insular; I went to a small grammar school and there were maybe 22 kids in my class.  One day, my buddy and I came up with the idea of asking some girls to go with us to the movies.  At the time, he and I would at least try to go the movies every single weekend just for the sake of going and we always had fun, no matter what movie we saw.  To my surprise, the girls said yes, and someone’s mom whisked us away to the theater.  With such a menagerie in tow, we never considered the possibility of sneaking into an R rated movie, so we saw what was available at the time we were able to arrange.

That something was Suburban Commando.

Read the rest of this entry

Superman III – The Worst Movies Ever

superman-iii-computer-fight

worst-movies-everI find that when cleaning out the fridge, there are two kinds of food items that are discarded:

  1. stuff that is too old to eat
  2. shit that’s been in there so long you can’t remember where it came from – and there is new shit growing on top of it – you don’t even open the container, you just throw that shit right in the trash

Superman III is the latter.  Seriously, this movie is worse than the 1990 version of Captain America.  How in the hell did they fuck up Superman this bad?
Read the rest of this entry

88 Minutes – The Worst Movies Ever

worst-movies-everI had the distinct honor of seeing 88 Minutes in the theater… and by distinct honor, I mean it was one of the worst movie going experiences I’ve ever had.  Not since Jurassic Park 3, Suburban Commando or Armageddon have I been so close to leaving the theater before the film was over.  What kept me in my seat was this one woman who was just loving the flick (it’s at 5% for critics, 50% for users at Rotten Tomatoes) – she was laughing, clapping and having a good ol’ time, and I wanted to see if either of the following two things would happen to us as the movie went on:

1.  Would she come to hate it as much as I did?
2.  Would I come to love it as much as she did?

Nether happened. Read the rest of this entry

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lighting Thief – The Worst Movies Ever

worst-movies-everIn the wake of the enormous success of the Harry Potter book and movie franchise, it only stands to reason that other properties would be given similar treatment.  The Golden Compass springs to mind, which was an adaptation of the 1995 novel Northern Lights (published two years before Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone, aka Sorcerer’s Stone) and a movie I enjoyed, probably because of it’s high animal content and weird factor.  Still, imitators were likely to emerge, and Percy Jackson answered that call in spades.  However, The Lighting Thief is so terrible that I just want to hold Jackson’s head under water until he stops kicking… if only that were possible. Read the rest of this entry

Kate and Leopold movie review – The Worst Movies Ever

worst-movies-everRomantic Comedy, as a film genre, is about as dead as it gets.  Adam Sandler certainly has pounded quite a few nails into the coffin with gems such as Just Go With It and his production company’s Zookeeper, but he’s far from the worst offender – maybe just the most frequent.  Sometimes, the same romantic comedy comes out within a few months of each other, like when Just Friends and No Strings Attached combined to form about a half year of terror at the box office.  That isn’t helping any.  But sometimes, a film comes along that is so awful, it surpasses even the most terrible of it’s peers.
Read the rest of this entry

The Worst Movies Ever: The Room

the-room-movie-posterI’d vaguely heard of The Room and seen a few clips on YouTube, but it took the wise advice of trusted friends to get me to watch the entire movie and truly appreciate its great-awfulness.  So,  Andrew and Janet, this one is for you!

Just look at the poster.  What the hell is that look?  Who picked that photo?  Was that the only one they took?  And is he drunk?  Let this set the tone for something that is so bad it’s good.

spoiler alert

Charactersworst-movies-ever
The thing that makes this movie so interesting (it’s bad, but still interesting) is it’s insane characters.  Sure, their dialogue sounds like a toilet backing up onto a floor covered three inches deep in Pop Rocks, but that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to listen to… or does it? It’s one or the other, I forget which.

Johnny
Tommy Wiseau is the architect behind this insane movie and also its lead actor, and he is friggin horrible.  He’s by far the worst actor in the movie.  By.  Fucking.  FAR.  Also, he made me look at his weird ass, which I’m still a little pissed about.

Lisa
Lisa is queen of the dysfunctional characters.  Everything she says and does seems to point to bipolar disorder at best, but she’s not that well crafted, so let’s just say she’s totally crazy, a nymphomaniac and a compulsive liar.

Mark
Mark is there to advance the plot along, and that’s pretty much it.

Denny
This actor looks like David from Roseanne – I mean David from The Big Bang Theory, and the actor kinda plays the character like him, too.  It’s weird, and his only real purpose in the movie is to provide the plot device that gets the gun to The Room and to illustrate what a great guy Johnny is.

Claudette
Lisa’s mother provides sage, yet bitchy advice.  Lisa rebels against her old-fashioned brand of wisdom:  “It’s not right, Lisa. I still think you should marry Johnny! Now, you can’t live on love. You need financial security.”  Oh, and Claudette has cancer, but I’ll talk about that when I get to plot threads.

The Lone Shark
Or is he a drug dealer?  It gets all mixed up while they’re up there on the roof yelling about exactly who he is and the conflict is between him and Denny, but Denny owes him money for something and he’s not happy that he hasn’t gotten paid yet.

Michelle
The only other believable actor in the movie besides The Lone Shark is Michelle.  She spouts such wisdom as, “Your point of view is so different from mine,” but we’ll get back to the dialogue later.  Still, Robyn Paris found a way to deliver this crappy dialogue that made me think her character she could be a real person.

Peter
The shrink friend is another sage character who says things like, “People are people.”  He seems to have a conversation with Johnny just to flesh out the movie so he’s not always talking to Mark.  Yeah, essentially, Peter is here for scope.

Dialogue
Whew.  This movie sets a new standard when it comes to dialogue.  The great thing about it is how quickly discussions change course.  Here’s one of my favorite moments:

Mark: How was work today?
Johnny: Oh, pretty good. We got a new client and the bank will make a lot of money.
Mark: What client?
Johnny: I cannot tell you; it’s confidential.
Mark: Aw, come on. Why not?
Johnny: No, I can’t. Anyway, how is your sex life?

See?  From out in left field comes, “How is your sex life?”  Johnny also doesn’t use contractions for some reason… I guess that helps illustrate to us what an upstanding citizen he is.  Also, if you’re reading a screenplay and you keep seeing, ‘anyway’ pop up, that’s not a good sign – it’s about the weakest transition you’ll ever see in a movie.

Johnny: [walks into flower shop] Hi.
Flower Shop Clerk: Can I help you?
Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?
Flower Shop Clerk: Oh, hi, Johnny. I didn’t know it was you.
[grabs bouquet of roses]
Flower Shop Clerk: Here you go.
Johnny: That’s me. How much is it?
Flower Shop Clerk: It’ll be 18 dollars.
Johnny: [hands over cash] Here you go. Keep the change.
[grabs flowers and pats dog on the counter]
Johnny: Hi, doggie.
Flower Shop Clerk: You’re my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye!
Flower Shop Clerk: Buh-bye!

He’s her favorite customer – he must be a great guy!  Or he buys a lot of flowers.  And when he says hi to the dog, well, you’ve never seen anything more unnatural.  But he’s kind to animals!  It’s character development!

I could go on and on, but I’ll just leave you with this line from Mark:  “I want your body.”

Dialogue That Won’t Go Away

The following bits of dialogue rear their heads about a zillion times in this movie:

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

These two phrases appear in almost every scene of the movie; they’re helpful for abruptly shifting topics of conversation or when you want to end the scene completely.  Sometimes they combine them, like “Look, don’t worry about it.  I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

Other stuff that comes up a lot:

“future husband”

“future wife”

Lisa’s nipples

Plot Threads
My two favorite “Plot Threads To No Where” are The Breast Cancer thread and The Lone Shark thread.

Breast Cancer

Imagine your mom tells you she has breast cancer.  How do you react?  If you go with something like, “They’re curing more people all the time,” and immediately change the subject back to yourself, then you’re a Lisa.  But doesn’t cancer seem like the sort of thing that would come up again?  But it doesn’t.  Not once.

Never comes up again in the entire movie.

Lone Shark
Technically, The Lone Shark Thread is a plot device, not a plot thread, but whatever.  See, Denny is on the roof playing with a basketball (?) and this guy shows up and starts yelling about money and then brandishes a gun.  Mark and Johnny show up out of nowhere and disarm the guy and drag him off the roof.  Claudette and Lisa materialize out of thin air and start screaming and crying, but we never see The Lone Shark again.  We don’t see it, but apparently Johnny keeps the gun and puts it in a box in his room.  They say they are calling the police, but I guess they didn’t… maybe they just kicked The Lone Shark out of the building and kept his gun?  I don’t know… I just don’t know.

This Scene Accomplishes What Now?
There are a few scenes in the movie that demand an explanation, but here are the most obvious ones.

Jogging
Mark and Johnny are jogging around San Francisco.  It serves no purpose in the movie whatsoever.  Maybe it’s supposed to illustrate that they are close friends, but by the time this scene occurs, that has already been mentioned by nearly every character in the movie several times.

Tossing The Basketball Around
Mike (I think that’s his name) recaps some stuff we (the audience) already saw to Johnny, who did not see it.  They’re just standing in front of this cheap exterior doing nothing and then the other guys come out and they start throwing the ball around and then the guy I think is Mike falls on the ground for no reason and the scene ends.  You can’t really hear anything anyone is saying, but they’re not taking about anything, so it doesn’t matter.  It’s weird.

Tossing The Football Around… In Tuxedos
For some reason, all of the guys in the wedding party get together at Johnny’s and try on their tuxes like that’s a normal thing for guys to do before a wedding.  Denny persuades them to go outside and throw the football around, against Peter’s objections.  Of the guys present, only Denny and Mark have the slightest clue how to throw a football.  Since they’re throwing the ball around, the only way to end this scene is… yep, for someone to fall on the ground.  It’s Peter.  Scene ends.

Editing/Camera Work/Technical
For the most part, it’s a good-looking movie with some fine setups.  But there are a few weird things here and there.

Getting Off The Roof

Why do we need to see them exit the roof every single time a scene up there ends?  They’re on the roof – I get that they’re not going to stay up there forever  – we don’t need to see them walk across the roof, open the door, go in the door, head down the stairs and close the door every single time.  I only mention it because half the damn movie takes place on the roof and we have to endure this shot every single time a scene on the roof ends.  If the movie needs to indicate that they’re going back downstairs, can’t we just see they walking toward the door?  I can figure out what happens when the get there on my own.

The ‘Mark Shaved’ Camera Move
When Mark shows up for the weird tux party, he has shaved off his beard and they do this camera move (it’s a very soap opera zoom) like it’s supposed to mean something but it doesn’t mean anything at all – did Lisa mention she hates the beard and I missed it?  I just assumed the actor got another job and had to shave it off for that reason.

Establishing San Francisco

The establishing shots of San Francisco never end!  They start the movie, they show up after almost every scene to establish the next one and they last for way too long.  I found myself yelling at the screen, “I know where you fucking are, damn it!”

Black comedy my ass!

And Yet…
The Room is shockingly bad, but at its core, it’s a story that is easy to understand:  man loves fiance and has best friend; fiance seduces best friend; best friend betrays man by having affair with fiance, fiance leaves man, man kills himself with the gun he took off his ward’s loan shark.  Simple.  The movie sucks, there’s no question about that, but The Room weaves a weird hypnotic spell and you won’t be able to look away!

I guess it’s more fun to watch cars crash into each other than to pass them after the wreck has already happened.

More Movies So Bad They’re Good at creativejamie.com/tag/movies-so-bad-theyre-good/

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