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Gambit (quick movie review)

How the hell did somebody screw up a movie starring Colin Firth, Stanley Tucci and Alan Rickman and featuring a Cohen Brothers screenplay? OK, Cameron Diaz’s atrocious southern accent isn’t helping, but it’s not the reason Gambit is terrible. Seriously, it’s in so bad it’s good/worst movies ever territory – I’m going to have to give it more thought to see if it gets anointed to such status. It’s that bad.

The pacing and story is shockingly loathsome! Colin Firth and Cameron Diaz insanely miscast! It’s a comedy/face that forgets to include actual comedy and farce! The one farcel scene is completely out of place (and suffers from some of the worst timing ever in a movie) in a by the numbers comedy that desperately wants to be an outside of the box/cutting edge caper movie!

This movie couldn’t be more awkward is Gambit from the X-Men made a cameo! These people thought they were making the farce version of Oceans Eleven, which may well be the worst idea for a movie EVER! Even people who think Colin Firth poops platinum will hate this movie.

Its. That. BAD!

Anyway, I didn’t like it and I don’t recommend that anyone else ever watches Gambit ever for the rest of human history.

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Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull is the worst movie in the franchise… (movie review)

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies. A lot of bad movies. But, there are subtle levels of terrible films. In the case of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, it’s certainly the worst movie in the franchise, but it’s hardly one of the worst movies ever. It’s not even the most disappointing movie ever. While it is fair to call it a bad movie, the reasons I hear are usually off base. They usually go something like this: Read the rest of this entry

Eragon movie review (The Worst Movies Ever)


Before we get into this, I want to make it clear that I’m only reviewing the film Eragon rather than the novel it’s based on. Maybe the novel is great… I have no idea. Today, we’re only concentrating on the film, which is the latest addition to our very own hall of shame, The Worst Movies Ever. Let’s dive in… Read the rest of this entry

Selling Jesus Door to Door

I live in a neighborhood with a lot of churches and I guess three competition is fierce for patronage in a world with dwindling church attendance.  Some guy dropped this off:

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Wow, Jesus looks great!  Looks like he just got a hair cut and his beard trimmed!  In fact, I think I know where the artist got his inspiration from…

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Yep, it seems to be Mark from The RoomHow the hell did that happen?

Speaking of hell, this is just one more post that probably confirms my final destination.

Birdemic: Shock and Terror (The Worst Movies Ever)

birdemic-shock-and-terrorI teased the Birdemic review a few days ago, so here it is, as promised.  (Or threatened.)

In an attempt to remake The Birds with a bunch of quasi environmental and political messages, we get Birdemic:  Shock and Terror, a film that’s so bad, it gets honorary placement on our The Worst Movies Ever list.  Welcome, Birdemic! Read the rest of this entry

Suburban Commando – The Worst Movies Ever

suburban-commando

"Just pull the trigger! Do it! I deserve it!"

In 1991, I was in fifth grade.  As you may recall, it’s a strange, yet wonderful time in your life.  My social environment was fairly insular; I went to a small grammar school and there were maybe 22 kids in my class.  One day, my buddy and I came up with the idea of asking some girls to go with us to the movies.  At the time, he and I would at least try to go the movies every single weekend just for the sake of going and we always had fun, no matter what movie we saw.  To my surprise, the girls said yes, and someone’s mom whisked us away to the theater.  With such a menagerie in tow, we never considered the possibility of sneaking into an R rated movie, so we saw what was available at the time we were able to arrange.

That something was Suburban Commando.

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Superman III – The Worst Movies Ever

superman-iii-computer-fight

worst-movies-everI find that when cleaning out the fridge, there are two kinds of food items that are discarded:

  1. stuff that is too old to eat
  2. shit that’s been in there so long you can’t remember where it came from – and there is new shit growing on top of it – you don’t even open the container, you just throw that shit right in the trash

Superman III is the latter.  Seriously, this movie is worse than the 1990 version of Captain America.  How in the hell did they fuck up Superman this bad?
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