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All of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies reviewed!

Well, that which I have been dreading is nearly upon us:  The Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie is just days away.  As if you haven’t already guessed, I’m setting my expectations to low (especially after I saw the toys).  Then again, I tried that with Transformers, and look how that turned out.  Anyway, in the interest in getting caught up with all things Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles from a movie standpoint, here are my scores and links to the reviews for all six TMNT movies.

I love the first one.  1990’s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is awesome and I will hear nothing else on the subject.  9 out of 10.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II:  The Secret of the Ooze  is a baffling, disappointing follow-up, but  it’s watchable.  “Go ninja, go ninja, go!”  3 out of 10.

The third one… it’s not bad, but it feels like nobody gave a shiz.  Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III is bad, but it could be much worse and they ditched the campy tone of the second, which was much appreciated.  5 out of 10.

2007’s TMNT is fine – it starts off strongly but falters.  3.5 out of 10.

I have to admit, I haven’t finished watching Turtles Forever.  For all its bold premise promises, I was shocked at how board I was while watching the flick – I’ll try to give it another chance ASAP.

That’s all for now…  boy, this new movie sure does look like shiz.  Oh well.  It’s got to be better than the Transformers movies… right?

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New Ninja Turtles action figures makes the horror hit home

We’ve all seen the trailer, we’ve all felt sad, but it wasn’t really until I saw the action figures in the store that it felt real to me: Ninja Turtles is probably going to be an awful movie. Just look at what the did to Michelangelo! Just LOOK! They’ve bastardized my beloved Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles! He’s got pants and a sweater and… bling?!? I just… I don’t see this working.

TMNT (2007 – movie review)

I should preface this review by saying I did not watch the 2000s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles series – I presume this movie stems out of that series, but I don’t actually know this for a fact, and, in 2014, obviously, there is no way to check… Anyway, let’s dive in to 2007’s TMNT! Read the rest of this entry

6 reasons Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze is lame (movie review)

After applauding the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and then saying that the third TMNT installment isn’t the worst thing ever, it’s time to finally hit rock bottom with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. Let’s count the reasons this movie doesn’t work.  Read the rest of this entry

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990 – movie review)

In my review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, I refer to this first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie as gritty, funny and interesting. I went on to praise it’s realistic tone and its blend of action, adventure, tragedy and comedy. I stand by that now and forever – this is a great movie. Read the rest of this entry

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 (movie review)

The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie was gritty, funny and interesting. It had a realistic tone that the film makers blended well with the action, adventure, tragedy and comedy. When they moved on to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze, they went for a much campier, cartoony feel where the Turtles rarely (if ever) draw their weapons. Here in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3, we get something of a mix of the two.

Read the rest of this entry

Baffling Movie Trailers: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) & God’s Not Dead

I watched the movie trailers for Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014) and God’s Not Dead and they both baffled me. Take a look!

What? I… what?

Read the rest of this entry

The 5 best kid – adult crossover cartoons that are on TV right now

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“That’s the thing I like about cartoons – I get older, they stay the same age.”
~the creepy dude from Dazed and Confused said something like that.

But it’s true! I might be old, but I still love cartoons, and there are some cartoons that are getting it done in a big bad way as I believe they are pleasing to both kids and adults. Here today, I present to you (in no particular order), the 5 best kid – adult crossover cartoons that are on TV right now.

Adventure Time

I’m just getting into this show, but it clearly has the goods. The scope and complexity of Adventure Time is kinda baffling, but I’m looking forward to getting caught up. Read the rest of this entry

TMNT Bubble Solution confused me because I’m an idiot

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See, I read this and thought, “Bubble Solution?  Why do I need a Bubble Solution?  Jesus, is this like the Ninja Turtles version of a final solution?  Like they’re going to use these bubbles to knock off the Foot Clan?”  And then, five minutes later, I thought, “Oh…  I mean… oh.  Bubbles.  Right.  Kids blow bubbles.  Gotcha.”

Avengers and TMNT action figures

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This box set of Avengers action figures made me feel old.  I said something like, “In my day, we had to collect all, each sold separately – and we liked it!”  But for Christmas in 2012, you can just plop down $45 at Target and take home the entire team and their primary adversary all in one shot!  Disgraceful! Read the rest of this entry

Is TurtleGate over or just on hold?

leonardo-tmntIf you follow the site, then you already know that I’ve been complaining about this for a while now, and I’m hoping that this revelation means the tide is starting to turn in my favor. Read the rest of this entry

Turtlegate!

So what’s new in Turtlegate?  Much.  Too much.

turtlegate

Sigh.

Paramount’s marketing team decided that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles was a mouthful, so they’ve shortened the title to simply Ninja Turtles.  I shit you not.  Michael Bay said so.  So… they changed the title of the film for marketing reasons?  And not because the nature of the revamped origin no longer makes them mutants?  No, it’s marketing – because if there’s anything a 25 year old franchise has a problem with, it’s branding.  You hear a title like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and think, “That sounds like a dumb movie I would never want to see,” but when you see Ninja Turtles, you think, “FUCKING AWESOME!  Where can I purchase tickets?”  This whole idea of alien turtles seems like change for the sake of change to me.  (or so I thought.) Unconfirmed sources tell me that they were going to re-brand Transformers as Trannies, but Paramount’s standards and practices division wouldn’t approve it for some reason.

Peter Laird, one of the co creaters of TMNT (see, we actually already have a perfectly good shorter version of the name – it’s called an acronym), dropped some comments on his blog:

A few people — who don’t seem to understand that I am no longer in control of the property — want me to stop this, somehow. Obviously, I can’t do that, even if I wanted to.

But I would actually encourage TMNT fans to swallow the “chill pill” Mr. Bay recently suggested they take, and wait and see what might come out of this seemingly ill-conceived plan. It’s possible that with enough truly creative brainpower applied to this idea, it might actually work. I’m not saying it’s probable, or even somewhat likely… but it IS possible.
However, as I have pondered this further, I have realized that in one way it IS truly a genius notion. Let me explain…
Over the years, I have made no secret of my distaste for what I consider to be the weak, facile, creatively bankrupt idea which can be summed up like this:
“If FOUR Ninja Turtles are good, then FIVE (or more) Ninja Turtles MUST be better!”

Anyway, to get back to the “TMNT are aliens” thing — the reason I say it could be a “genius” idea is that — for the first time — someone has come up with a way to have as many freakin’ Turtles as they want. I mean, if the TMNT are actually members of an alien race, there could be a whole PLANET of them!

I reject that idea that the more turtles there are, the merrier – and if your solution to having more than four is to completely revamp the origin, I think it might be time to call your creative writing teacher at the community center and ask for help.  Also, each one of the characters follows the four humors, (as pointed out by After Hours), so if you add more turtles…  uhm, then what the hell do you do?  They’ll end up being copies of the original four…  or, you know, Metalhead.  Who sucked.  Very hard.

Well, maybe Michael Bay will use this song and some of the premises outlined here – it could only help.

more Turtlegate at creativejamie.com/tag/turtlegate/

Michael Bay Tells Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Fans To "Chill"

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Michael Bay suggested Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fans take a chill pill.

Fans need to take a breath, and chill. They have not read the script. Our team is working closely with one of the original creators of Ninja Turtles to help expand and give a more complex back story. Relax, we are including everything that made you become fans in the first place. We are just building a richer world.

from michaelbay.com

Huh. So Michael Bay and his team are hanging out with with either Kevin Eastman or Peter Laird and somehow, words don’t mean the same thing they did the day before. See, “expand and give a more complex back story” doesn’t meant the same thing as “We’re changing the origin because TMNT canon doesn’t have any opportunities for explosions at the beginning of the story and we’re setting up a series of movies and want to tell the origin at the beginning and when you’re making an action movie, something has to explode in the first scene – like a spaceship crashing! That would be awesome. Also, if their aliens, this makes them more like Transformers, which made a ton of money at the box office despite being terrible movies. THREE. FUCKING. TIMES.” I guess that doesn’t sound as nice as “We are just building a richer world,” but it’s certainly different then “Look, I don’t want to make a movie about a bunch of little turtles who were subjected to some chemicals and grew into mutant humanoid lifeforms.”

If Bay wants to make a movie about green guys from space who kick ass and have some nostalgic value, why not just make a Battletoads movie? I guess that dude just has too much contempt for his audience.

Hence Transformers.

I’m more than a little surprised Bay issued any kind of statement – I thought he’d just ignore all of the internet’s angry prattle. Instead, he went with the “Shut the hell up, I got this,” strategy, which I don’t think was a great move on his part. Still, he’s right – as is the case with nearly every movie ever made, I have NOT read the script and have no plans to. Still, I don’t really need to read it to know that if you changed the protagonists from sewer dwelling mutant turtles to space aliens, I don’t really need to read the script to tell you you’ve gone far afield from the source material.

In the end, maybe Bay will apologize by quoting Optimus Prime’s line from the first Transformers movie: “My bad.”

more Turtlegate at creativejamie.com/tag/turtlegate/

Somebody Separate Michael Bay From The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles New Live Action Movie Project Before It’s Too Late!

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I’m no fan of Michael Bay; his pictures just don’t do anything for me. Sure, I like it when stuff blows up, but somehow, Bay always finds a way to ruin it for me. I’ve never been a huge Transformers guy, but to say those movies are possibly the worst adaptation of any source material that’s ever been brought to the big screen… well, I think that might be an understatement.

And now, he’s got his hands on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“The turtles are from an alien race, and they are going to be tough, edgy, funny, and completely loveable.”

-Yahoo

Rrr… they’re aliens? I have two questions:

How in the FUCK can they still be turtles if they’re not from earth?

Because galactic travel is not possible, I can’t prove my theory, but I always thought that turtles were indigenous to earth. OK, maybe turtles aren’t indigenous to earth after all… is that what’s going to happen when we finally make contact with an alien race? They’re all going to step out of the space craft and look like my dogs? Or Alec Baldwin? Either way… Well, If I can pick anybody, let’s go with Rashida Jones.

Why in the FUCK do they study ninjutsu?

Even if turtles aren’t indigenous to earth, I’m pretty sure I’ve got Bay this time. It’s hard for me to understand why a fighting art that developed in on specific part of Earth would be common place all over the galaxy… Or maybe the ambassador from the plant Heykidswhowerebornintheeightiesfuckyou will show up on day and present us with a trophy for developing the gold standard in fighting arts – because we obviously are better at hand to hand combat than a race that can travel faster than light.

OK, OK, I might be taking this whole thing a little too seriously, but why does Michael Bay have to break everything he touches? (The dude is like like The Three Stooges in a china shop… ugh, let’s not talk about The Three Stooges movie right now…) And while my interest in Transformers is casual, I was a hardcore Ninja Turtle fan back in the day – that show brought me countless hours of enjoyment (as well as an insane number of B movie references – go back and check out those episode titles, such as Plan 6 From Outer Space), and I have to get TMNT’s back.

Don’t screw with TMNT’s fundamental premise, Michael Bay – please. You’ve taken so much from us already, hurt us so badly so many times before… have mercy on us.

Please.

Have mercy.

Uncle Jesse style.

more Turtlegate at creativejamie.com/tag/turtlegate/

Attention Must Be Paid: James Rolfe: The Angry Video Game Nerd and the Bullshit Man

While James Rolfe’s career continues to bring him more opportunities the longer he persists, I still feel that he could use a shout out, and so, it’s time for Attention Must Be Paid, James Rolfe edition… or, in internet vernacular, AMBPAVGN.

While wandering around the internet, I came across a video on YouTube that delighted me:  the series was called, You Know What’s Bullshit? and the episode was called, Temperature.  This, I am sure, is one of the greatest things to ever grace the YouTube servers.

“Potatoes are assholes; they’re so unpredictable.”

Has a better sentence ever been uttered?  I think not.  Potatoes are, in fact, assholes!  (Sure, they’re not on corn‘s level, but what vegetable is?)

The Bullshit series is a work of art in itself, from part 1 to part 13.  I was stunned with the quality of the writing, camera work and most of all, the superior editing.  YouTube has so much fatty waste clogging up its mighty heart that its easy to get stuck in the muck of loathsome dreck, a sea of unedited video with awful pop music poorly mixed in the background, and the Bullshit series was a tremendous breath of fresh air; people really were putting quality video on YouTube.  Who knew?

I soon found that I had engorged on the entire “You Know What’s Bullshit?” series (I’m also a big fan of the DVD sticker and DVD collection episodes) and yearned for more.  The discovery that there was more ‘bullshit’ to be experienced beyond Temperature was a revelation in itself, but I had no idea what loomed just over the horizon.

The first episode I saw of The Angry Video Game Nerd was his review of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the Nintendo Entertainment System.  TMNT for the NES is the worst kind of video game; it gave us the opportunity to interact as our favorite genetically altered reptiles, and in the early levels, you see so much promise.  Sure, the controls aren’t great, but it’s a fun game… at first.  Then it starts to suck, and that’s where James Rolfe comes in.

It sucking fucks, it fucking sucks, it fucking blows, it’s a piece of shit…  and I don’t like it.

James Rolfe as The Angry Video Game Nerd

James Rolfe as The Angry Video Game Nerd

Agreed, sir.  Agreed.

If you were a gamer in the mid to late eighties and onward, then you know how revolutionary Nintendo was for those of us who were used to the classic Atari 2600 (or pretenders like the ColeocoVision), as was the Super Nintendo (I know this is an old debate, but Sega sucked.  The Sega Master System and Sega Genesis were inferior pieces of hardware; we can debate game libraries till the cows come home, but when games came out on both systems, Nintendo wins hands down every time… hence Sega makes games for Nintendo now?  Figure that one out!), the Nintendo 64, and so on.  (I’ll take another quick second to say that for the most part, the Playstation is a load-time-cut-scene-infused paperweight.)  That being said, Nintendo had it’s fair share of bad games, whether licensed or not, and The Angry Video Game Nerd is just the man to exorcise the video game demons that haunt our souls from both yesterday, today and tomorrow.

I feel that I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Mr. Rolfe’s other efforts, which can be found on his website at Cinemassacre.com.  His other series, such as Board James, a partly informational series on Board Games, a convention I assume is going the way of the Polar Bear (his horror movie-esque short on Mr. Bucket is not to missed) or the annual Cinemassacre.com’s Monster Madness, which brings an assortment of monster movies to the forefront every Halloween, and I think any movie fan would enjoy, even if you’re like me and don’t spend much time watching horror, slasher or monster movies.

James Rolfe has taken the comedic review to strange and hilarious new places.  Sure, it can be juvenile, profane and even downright disgusting, but that’s what makes it fun.  In fact, I particularly enjoyed a long diatribe about how bad a game was involving excrement and… well, other things, after which The Nerd said, “That was foul; I apologize.”  It’s over the top, it’s silly and it’s great.  It’s also self aware, which may be the most important reason it works so well.  The guy does a brilliant job connecting with the audience… maybe its just me, because Mr. Rolfe and I are the same age and from the same part of the country and come from a shared experience, but I think there is something for everyone in Mr. Rolfe’s catalog.  Take a look, you’re bound to find something you like.

Unless you can’t tolerate profanity and vulgarity.  Then you’re shit out of luck.

Marketing Pharmaceuticals Directly to the Consumer is a GREAT Idea

No, really – direct marketing of pharmaceuticals to the consumer is totally awesome.  It’s the best idea EVER.  I love it.  It’s really wonderful.  I love those commercials; they function as not only wonderful works of marketing, but as beautiful pieces of film.

It’s a little confusing for folks of my generation, I think – if you were a kid in the 1980s, all the commercials told you not to do drugs.  These are some of my favorites:

It’s hard to understand how awesome, popular and powerful the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were; if the message of this commercial was, “Kill your parents, it’s totally righteous!” I might have done it.  Anyway, when mutants who live in the sewer tell you to stay off drugs, you stay off drugs.

“I learned it by watching you.”  That is the greatest line in a commercial, ever!  If anyone ever tells you you’re doing something wrong, tell them you learned to do it that way by watching them.  Awesome.

Ah, the frying pan girl.  Does anyone break shiz the way she does?  I’ve always assumed she was conceived during a one night stand with one of the members of Kiss – but probably not Peter Chris.  Can you imagine?  “Oo Chris, you look like a cat, and that is exactly what turns me on!”

However, I do NOT support the ‘Above the influence’ campaign.  I get it, it’s a play on the expression, ‘under the influence,” which is hilarious, but drug abuse is not a laughing matter, whether we’re talking about ‘pot’ (do people still call it pot?) or pharmaceuticals.

Uhm, I have questions.  Does marijuana make you see and hear talking dogs, or does it make you think your dog is talking?  Either way, I’m going to have to reevaluate my stance on marijuana if true.  (Note:  modify notes on illegal drugs:  change marijuana’s definition from ‘makes you eat cookie dough’ to ‘makes you trip balls.’)

Sorry, I got distracted.  This info is old, but as of 2008, only the US and New Zealand allowed for the direct marketing of pharmaceuticals to the consumers.  Yep, New Zealand:  best know for being near Australia and the location home of the Lord of the Rings movies.  Let’s take a look at this Ambien commercial:

Wow.  The friendly man starts reading the side effects 23 seconds and wraps up at the 56 second mark.  I think I heard something about my tongue swelling up, suicide, being aggressive – maybe he threw the word fatal in there somewhere, I don’t know.  What I do know is that he’s asking me to reduce my doctor’s roll to that of a drug dealer.  Honestly, who has the cahones to walk into their doctor’s office and say, “Hey, I’ve got this sleep issue, but it’s all good because I saw this commercial on TV last night, and I just need a prescription for Ambien.  Write. It.  Up.  Doc.  Don’t waste my mother fucking time! That’s right, go all Al Pacino on his or her ass.  Because, despite not being a doctor, there isn’t any reason why you can’t self diagnose yourself.  You’re smart, right?  It’s not like you can split the atom or went through four years of medical school, but you’re still pretty smart, so diagnose all night long, as I like to say.  I’m sure your doctor will think its awesome – or hilarious, or tell you to get out and never come back.

But if you’ve got a sleep issue, I feel ya.  I’ve been there.  That rooster is a bitch, right?  Oh, you never hallucinated roosters?  Well, according to the commercial, you’re the only one:  the lady saw the rooster until she took Ambien and the guy at her job that looked drowsy (or pissed off because he hates his job, I couldn’t tell) saw the rooster.  Oh wow, I just realized Ambien come to snuff the rooster!  That’s totally bizarre!  Dude, leave the rooster alone, that guy is cool as hell.

I don’t meant o pick on the Ambien people – I just picked them at random.  Oh, and because of the rooster.  The rooster rules.   “No he ain’t gonna die – no!”

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